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“Enough,” said the sharp-eared dog with a smile. “And if it’s any consolation: my human would never conduct an affair with your human.”

“Why not?” asked Harriet, narrowing her eyes at the big dog. “Isn’t my human good enough for your human?”

“Oh, she’s definitely good enough. But Randy isn’t into women, that much I can tell you.”

We all stared at the dog.“What are you talking about?” I asked. “If he’s not into women, what is he into? Apple trees?”

Lil Ran displayed a slight smile.“He’s into men, of course. What did you think?”

“Into men!” said Dooley. “But… I don’t understand.” He turned to me. “What is he talking about, Max? What does he mean?!”

Oh, boy. As if trying to explain about the birds and the bees wasn’t complicated enough, Lil Ran had just added an extra layer of complication.

Chapter 22

“Look, some human men like women, and other human men like men. And the same goes for human women,” I said.

Dooley stared at me.“I don’t understand.”

“Um…”

Harriet decided to take over.“See here, Dooley. Brutus and I are a couple, right?”

“Uh-huh. You love each other.”

“That, we do,” she said with a smile. “Now suppose for a moment that Brutus doesn’t love me, but loves you, for instance, or Max. See what I mean?”

Dooley frowned.“But… Brutus does love me, and he does love Max.”

“Yeah, as a friend. But not as a, um, as a partner, see?”

“No, I don’t see.”

“Look here, Dooley,” said Lil Ran. “You know where babies come from, don’t you?”

“Oh, sure. Max explained all that to me. A bird loves another bird and then she lays an egg, and then an ostrich drops by and delivers a baby boy bird or baby girl bird. And the same goes for bees, though it’s still not completely clear to me how an ostrich would carry a baby bee.” He paused.“Pollen is involved, though. Pollen and, um, flowers.”

Lil Ran gave me a pointed look.“The birds and the bees, Max? Really?”

I shrugged.“Dooley is still young, Lil Ran. So we like to explain things to him at a level he can understand.”

“Fine,” said Lil Ran, then turned to Dooley. “So a male bee and another male bee—they like each other, see? They like each other a lot!”

“Oh, sure,” said Dooley, nodding. “Like me and Max. We like each other a lot, don’t we, Max?”

“Yes, Dooley. We like each other heaps.”

“So the male bee… um… carries the pollen to the… um…”

“Flower,” Dooley said helpfully. “Because flowers like pollen.”

“Oh, forget about it,” said Lil Ran with a gesture of his paw. “You’re on your own here, pal. All I wanted to say is that Randy and Marge having an affair? It’s not possible.”

“But… Chase saw them,” said Harriet. “In Randy’s bed last night, hugging—naked! And Marge was crying!”

“Crying,” I said, nodding.

“Why was Marge crying, Max?” asked Dooley. “Did Randy hurt her?”

“Um…” I’d heard about women crying after they’d done the ‘deed’ and some men, too, but I wasn’t going to tell Dooley about that—no way! It just cinched it for me, though. In spite of what Lil Ran thought his human did or didn’t like, it was obvious that the tiny fitness giant and Marge were having an affair. And an extremely torrid one at that!

“Poor Tex,” Harriet reiterated, having come to the same conclusion. “He’ll be crushed.”

“But I’m telling you guys,” Lil Ran insisted. “No way is Randy having an affair with Marge, unless…” He frowned before himself for a moment. “Unless this whole ‘I’m about to die in three days’ business has fundamentally changed him somehow.”

“Changed him how?” I asked, interested.

“I don’t know. Made him want to… experiment. One last fling before he leaves this mortal coil. In which case… your human, Harriet, is in a singularly unique position. She will be the last person to have shared Randy’s bed.”

“Look, I’m sure Odelia and Chase will catch whoever is behind this whole poisoning thing,” I said. “And they’ll make sure Randy gets his antidote and survives this ordeal.”

“Which means Marge and Randy well get married,” Dooley intoned sadly, “and Harriet will move in with you, Lil Ran.”

Lil Ran’s eyes went wide. “Move in with me!”

“Yes, Lil Ran,” said Harriet sweetly. “We’ll be brother and sister. How about that?”

“But… we have to stop this!” said Lil Ran, who apparently wasn’t a big fan of Harriet. “We have to put a stop to this affair right now!”

“But how? How do you stop two people falling in love? It can’t be done.”

We all gave this some thought, then Dooley said,“Remember how I thought Gran was about to get married to Wilbur, and I’d have to move out and go and live with Kingman? So what did Wilbur do to make Gran change her mind?”

“Wilbur was being his usual obnoxious self,” I said. “And Gran didn’t like it.”

“So maybe we have to convince Marge that Randy is just as obnoxious as Wilbur?”

“Randy isn’t obnoxious,” said Lil Ran, immediately going to bat for his master. “In fact he’s the sweetest guy in the world.”