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“In fact I think of the four of us I’m probably the gayest. But that would never stop me from marrying Marge—if I were a human or if Marge were a cat.”

“I…” Didn’t know what to say to that. “So you’re… gay, Dooley?”

“Oh, sure. You’re gay, too, Max, but not as gay as me. Harriet is not gay at all and Brutus is too serious to be gay. Though if he loosened up he’d probably be gay, too.”

I smiled.“I think you’re confused about the meaning of the word gay.” And I was about to explain to my friend that he might indeed be gay—except when he thought the sky was about to cave in and fall on his head—but he wasn’t… gay, when three dogs suddenly blocked our passage. They were, reading from left to right: Fifi, Rufus and Lil Ran.

“Oh, hiya fellas,” said Dooley. “Max and I were just discussing which one of us is the gayest, him or me. I think I’m more gay. What do you think?”

“Um…” said Fifi, eyeing my friend a little strangely.

“Max, we’ve been waiting for you for ages, buddy,” said Rufus, “and then we decided we couldn’t wait any more, so here we are. Now please tell us how to proceed in catching the people trying to kill Lil Ran’s human.”

“Yeah, your humans haven’t gotten any closer to the killers, so I’ve decided to take matters into my own paws and find them myself,” said Lil Ran. He gave me a sad smile. “It’s the least I can do for him.”

“Well, as a matter of fact we were just on our way to find Brutus,” I said. “So maybe you can join us and I can try to think of a way to help Randy, Lil Ran. How about that?”

“That sounds great, Max,” said Lil Ran. “Thanks.”

“Where is Brutus?” asked Fifi.

“I’m pretty sure he managed to get himself into trouble trying to free a colony of turtles from a pet store run by two crooks,” I said.

“And while we’re on the subject,” said Dooley, “maybe you can tell us how to stop Marge’s wedding to your human, Lil Ran. Now that you’ve had time to think about it, maybe you’ve come up with a couple of ideas? We were thinking of throwing his dirty laundry on the floor and leave the toilet seat up, but Max isn’t convinced that will be enough. So what do you think?”

And as Dooley explained his ideas on how to stop this wedding, we’d arrived on the street where Pete’s Pet Paradise was located. And even as we drew nearer, I saw Marge and Randy cross the street and moments later disappear inside the store.

Chapter 39

“Jerry! What’s going on? Why the gun?”

“I’m sorry, Marge,” said Jerry. “But I’m afraid you’ve seen too much.”

“Too much?” asked Marge. “What are you talking about?” Then her eyes darted to the five tanks filled with turtles and understanding dawned. “Oh, Jerry. You haven’t gone down the path of crime again, have you? I thought you and Johnny had found religion?”

“Oh, please,” said Jerry, appropriately raising his eyes heavenward. “They kicked us out after our first month.”

“We hadn’t managed to convert enough people,” said Johnny sadly. “They have a system of monthly targets, and we hadn’t managed to reach our targets for the month.”

“How many people did you convert?”

“None. Which wasn’t enough.”

“But… what’s with the turtles? Are you going to turn them into turtle soup or what?”

“Not exactly,” said Jerry, and cut a short glance to Randy, who still hadn’t said a word.

“Randy, say something,” said Marge. “Don’t just stand there. Speak up. Make them see the error of their ways.”

“I’m sorry, Marge,” said the famous fitness coach. “But I’m afraid I can’t do that.”

“What?” She turned to the man. “What are you talking about?”

“Johnny and Jerry… well, they work for me, you see.” He sighed. “Jerry, put down that gun, will you? You’re making me nervous.”

“I don’t understand,” said Marge.

“Look, it’s like this—I’m broke, all right?”

“Yeah, I think we established that over dinner.”

“Did you have dinner with the boss, Marge?” asked Johnny, shooting her a radiant smile. “Gee, that’s sweet. So did you and Tex split up?”

“No, we didn’t split up,” said Marge. “And don’t squeeze my cat like that. He doesn’t like it when you hold him too tight.”

“Sure thing, Marge,” said Johnny, and let go of Brutus, who immediately skedaddled.

“You really shouldn’t talk to Marge, boss,” said Jerry. “Her daughter is a detective, and her brother is a cop, and so is her daughter’s fianc?.”

“Shut up, Jerry,” said Randy.

“Yes, boss,” said Jerry meekly.

“So is there money in turtles?” asked Marge, still mystified.

“Lots and lots of money,” said Randy. “These aren’t your regular turtles, Marge. These are exotic turtles that we managed to smuggle into the country from India. See, there are laws against importing exotic animals, and when you can circumvent those laws, the sky is pretty much the limit, as there are always people who will want to pay outrageous sums for those animals. This is just the first step in a bigger plan to supply the connoisseur of the rare and the exotic with all the species they need.”

“But… turtles, Randy? Really?”

“I’m telling you, Marge—these five tanks contain a fortune. Millions!”