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And then there was the horrible habit he’d developed of pooping on the rug and then wiping his butt on that same rug. By the time I got home he must have been at it to a considerable extent, for the rug, which had once been off-white, was now off white completely. In fact it had turned completely brown. And smelly. And frankly disgusting. Not only that, but even as I watched Dooley was meticulously wiping his tush on Odelia’s wall! Right underneath the intercom, in full view of everyone, and where it wouldn’t be missed.

If I were Dooley, and faced with this sudden defecatory urge, at the very least I would pick a spot that was a little more discreet. Then again, it really wasn’t my problem.

Still, it was odd. And you know what was even odder? The fact that Harriet had been staring at me ever since I’d arrived home. In fact she was looking at me the way one stares at a bug. The kind of bug one has never seen before. Bugs so ugly they fascinate and amuse.

I didn’t want to acknowledge her, though, in light of what Milo had told me she thought of me. That I was too dumb and too ugly and too boring to spend time with. That’s probably what this was. She thought I was so ugly she couldn’t look away. Like a car crash.

And that was my life in a nutshell: an ex-friend who’d regressed to the scatological stage, and another ex-friend who reveled in my hideousness. And things would probably have stayed that way if Harriet hadn’t suddenly approached, presumably to ascertain whether I was as ugly from up close as from afar, and Brutus hadn’t come roaring onto the scene, claws extended, tail distended, back arched, and hissing like a rattlesnake!

“Take your paws off my lady!” he thundered.

“Brutus!” Harriet cried, as shocked as I was at this sudden outburst. “Stop it!”

The sound of his lady love’s voice had an immediate effect on Brutus. His claws retracted, his tail returned to its normal size, and for a moment he seemed irresolute.

“Brutus, boogie bear,” said Harriet, putting her paw on the berserk cat’s paw.

But the moment she touched him, he jerked back, as if stung.

“Don’t touch me!” he yelled.

“What’s the matter?” Harriet asked. “Are you in pain, care bear?”

Brutus opened his mouth to speak, then closed it again and stalked off.

“Brutus! Honey lamb!” Harriet called out, but Brutus was gone.

Harriet turned to me, then seemed to think better of it, and turned away.

What the huckleberry was going on? For a moment I locked eyes with Dooley, but he turned away, too, and moved off, his tail between his legs, disappearing into the backyard.

Milo then joined me, shaking his head commiseratingly.“I think Brutus has finally gone off the deep end, buddy. Did you see what happened just now?”

“Yeah, I was there, Milo,” I said, still reeling from the turn of events.

“He was going to slug you, slugger. He was going to do you harm. Good thing he didn’t, huh? Or you’d be dead meat.”

“But why? Why would he suddenly turn on me like that?”

“Isn’t it obvious? Brutus is your long-lost son, buddy.”

“What?!”

“Sure. He’s just had the results back from that test Vena ran. Turns out you fathered a son and Brutus is that son. He must have suspected this for a long, long time, which is why he came to Hampton Cove in the first place, hoping to meet the father who deserted him.”

“But… that’s impossible! I’m… neutered,” I added, my voice dropping, for I wasn’t proud of the fact.

“You think you’re neutered but you’re not, Maxie,” said Milo earnestly. “They lied to you, buddy. You’re a fully functional tomcat.”

“But… why would they lie about something like that?!”

“Because that’s what they do! Humans, I mean. They lie and they cheat and they think it’s one big hoot. We’re dumb animals to them, Max. They’re just having a bit of fun at our expense.”

“I don’t get it,” I said, shaking my head. In fact my head was hurting. “So… Brutus is my son? So who is the mother?”

Milo gave me a cheeky grin.“Do you have to ask?”

“Yes, I do.” I couldn’t remember ever having been… intimate with any cat. Another big secret I wasn’t willing to share with anyone. Except that one time behind that big cedar in the church parking lot. I was young and foolish and she was pretty and game and… Well, we sniffed each other’s butts for the better part of an hour but nothing more came of it.

Milo was watching me intently, then nodded.

“I think you know, Max, don’t you?”

I didn’t know you could get pregnant from a kiss but there it was.

“So Brutus is my son?”

“Brutus is your son. Isn’t this a blessed moment? You get to press your long-lost child to your bosom, Max!”

I didn’t know about that. Seemed to me that Brutus was a little resentful towards dear old dad. Besides, he was a lot bigger and meaner than me, so maybe this teary reunion shouldn’t proceed unsupervised. Oh, where was Oprah when I needed her? Or Jerry Springer?

Milo started to walk away, then turned back.“Oh, and before I forget. Harriet?”

“What about her?”

He shrugged.“Just thought you’d want to know. She’s your sister.”

Chapter 19