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22. PURRFECT ADVICE

Chapter 1

I found Harriet and Brutus on the couch, looking intently at something on Odelia’s tablet computer. At first I simply figured they were watching cat videos again. Only last week Harriet had come up with the bright idea to start her own YouTube channel and post cat videos on a weekly basis. Brutus hadn’t been convinced, and neither had I or Dooley, but that has never stopped Harriet before.

“What are you watching?” I asked as I jumped up on the couch to join them.

“Shush,” said Harriet. “This is it,” she said. “The woman is a marvel. Just what I needed to know.”

“Who is a marvel?” asked Dooley.

“Gabi, of course,” said Harriet, as if Dooley and I were mind readers. “I asked her a question that’s been bothering me for weeks, and she just nailed it. Nailed it!”

I directed a questioning look at Brutus, who merely shrugged, either indicating he had no idea who this mysterious Gabi was either, or he didn’t share his girlfriend’s excitement about the woman’s marvelous and obviously varied qualities.

“Who’s Gabi?” asked Dooley.

“Only the most amazing human being that ever lived,” Harriet gushed as she tapped the tablet with her paw, an adoring expression on her furry face.

“Oh, you mean Odelia,” said Dooley. “I didn’t know she’d changed her name.”

“Not Odelia, dummy,” said Harriet with a laugh. “Though she’s pretty amazing, too.”

I was mystified, and so, I could tell, was Dooley, but before my friend could ask another question, Harriet finally decided to tell all.

“Gabi is theGazette’s new advice columnist,” she explained. “People ask questions and she answers them,” she added when Dooley opened his mouth to ask ‘What is an advice columnist?’ “For instance, this one was posted just this morning.” She read from the screen. “Dear Gabi. My husband seems to have lost interest in me lately. We’ve been married twenty-eight years and he hasn’t touched me in months. What should I do? Signed, Desperate Debbie. Debbie isn’t her real name,” Harriet added for good measure.

“And what did Gabi advise this Desperate Debbie?” I asked, intrigued.

“Dear Desperate Debbie. After twenty-eight years it’s not unusual to lose that romantic spark. To find it again you need to spice up your love life. Make things exciting again in the bedroom. When was the last time you bought yourself some new lingerie? Or tried a different position? Be bold and let me know what happened!”

“What different position?” asked Dooley. “What does Gabi mean, Max?”

“Um…” I said.

“She’s probably talking about the position of the, um, bed,” said Brutus.

“Oh, you mean rearrange the furniture?” said Dooley. “Yes, I can see how that would be exciting. Though it doesn’t explain the lingerie,” he added with a frown.

I decided to level with my friend. After all, Dooley was old enough to understand certain things now about the world of man.“The thing is, Dooley,” I said, “that when a man and a woman love each other, they express that affection by engaging in certain… activities. It’s called lovemaking, you see?”

“Does this involve kissing?” asked Dooley.

“Yes, it does involve kissing,” I said, much relieved. Once upon a time the task of explaining about the birds and the bees had been assigned to me, and I’m afraid I hadn’t done a very good job. “Lots and lots of kissing. In fact people kiss so much that sometimes this results in babies being born.”

“Oh, I know all about that,” said Dooley lightly. “I watch the Discovery Channel every night and there’s lots of talk about babies. Did you know, for instance, that the common housefly can have up to nine hundred babies in its lifetime?”

“That’s a lot of babies,” I said.

“Though flies don’t usually need lingerie,” he said, his frown returning. “Unless I missed something. Gran switches channels when there’s too many commercial breaks.”

“Well, humans do like lingerie,” I said. “You see, the human male and the human female, when they make love… um…” I cast about for an explanation that wouldn’t require me to get too graphic, and luckily Brutus decided to come to my assistance.

“Static electricity,” he blurted out.

Dooley directed a questioning look at the cat, who blinked.

“Oh, Brutus, sweetie,” said Harriet with a laugh.

“No, I’m serious,” Brutus persevered. “During all of this… lovemaking, static electricity is created by… rubbing… certain body parts against… other body parts. And it’s this static electricity that results in babies. And since lingerie is often made of satin, it increases static electricity and therefore, um, the baby-making, um, requirements.”

I stared at him, and shook my head. Of all the lame explanations, this one took the cake. But Dooley happily gobbled it up.“That is so interesting, Brutus. No one ever told me that babies are created like that. It makes perfect sense. Absolutely.”

“Of course it does,” said Harriet, trying to stifle another guffaw.

“Anyway, that explains the, um, lingerie Gabi mentioned,” said Brutus.

“Sound advice,” I said, nodding as I kept a straight face. “From Gabi, I mean.”