A Deepness in the Sky

She heard a whiny voice that was somehow familiar. "Pham, I warned you this was a difficult procedure. Without her guidance, we can't be sure—" The speaker came into view. He was a small and nervous-looking fellow in a Balacrean tech's uniform. His eyes widened as he saw the blood in the air. The look he gave Anne was satisfyingly—and inexplicably—full of fear. "Al and I can do only so much. We should have waited till we get Bil back....Look, maybe it's just temporary memory loss."

The older fellow flared into anger, but he seemed afraid, too. "I wanted a deFocus, not a god-damned mindscrub!"

The little man, Trud...Trud Silipan,retreated. "Don't worry. I'm sure she'll come around. We didn't touch the memory structures, I swear." He shot another fearful glance her way. "Maybe...I don't know, maybe the deFocus worked fine and we're seeing some kind of autorepression." He came a little closer, still beyond her hands and teeth, and gave her a sickly smile. "Boss? You remember me, Trud Silipan? We've worked together for years of Watch time, and before that back on Balacrea, under Alan Nau. Don't you remember?"

Anne stared at the round face, the weak smile. Alan Nau. Tomas Nau. Oh...dear...God.She had wakened to a nightmare that had never ended. The torture pits, and then the Focus, and then a lifetime ofbeing the enemy.

Silipan's face had blurred, but his voice was suddenly cheerful. "See, Pham! She's crying. She does remember!"

Yes. Everything.

But now Pham Nuwen's voice sounded even angrier. "Get out, Trud. Just get out."

"It's easy to verify. We can—"

"Get out!"

She didn't hear Silipan after that. The world had collapsed into pain, sobbing grief that took away her breath and senses.

She felt an arm across her shoulders, and this time she knew it wasn't the touch of a torturer.Who am I? That had been the easy question. The real question,What am I?, had eluded her a few seconds more, but now the memories were flooding in, the monstrous evil she had been since that day in the mountains above Arnham.

She shuddered from Pham's arm, only to encounter the straps that held her down.

"Sorry," he muttered, and she heard the shackles fall away. And now it didn't matter. She curled up into a ball, barely aware of his comfort. He was talking to her, simple things, repeated over and over in different ways. "It's all right now, Anne. Tomas Nau is dead. He's been dead for four days. You're free. We're all free... ."

After a while, he was quiet, only the touch of his arm on her shoulders announcing his presence. Her tearing sobs wound down. There was no terror now. The worst had happened, over and over, and what was left was dead and empty.

Time passed.

She felt her body slowly relax, unbend. She forced open her tight-shut eyes, forced herself to turn and face Pham. Her facehurt with the crying, and how she wished she could be hurt a million times more. "You...damn you for bringing me back. Let me die now."

Pham looked back at her quietly, his eyes wide and attentive. Gone was the bluster she had always guessed was a fake. In its place, intelligence...awe? No, that couldn't be. He reached down beside her and laid the white andelirs back in her lap. The damn things were warm, furry. Beautiful. He seemed to consider her demand, but then he shook his head. "You can't go yet, Anne. There are more than two thousand Focused persons left here. You can free them, Anne." He gestured to the Focusing gear behind her head. "I got the feeling that Al Hom was playing roulette when he worked on you."

I can free them.The thought was the first lightness in all the years since that morning in the mountains. It must have leaked out into her expression, because a hopeful smile appeared on Pham's lips. Anne felt her eyes narrow down. She knew as much about Focus as any Balacrean. She knew all the tricks of reFocusing, of redirecting loyalty. "Pham Trinli—Pham Whoever-You-Really-Are—I've watched you for many years. Almost from the beginning, I thought you were working against Tomas. But I could also see how much you loved the idea of Focus. You lusted after that power, didn't you?"

The smile left his face. He nodded slowly. "I saw...I saw it could give me what I had spent a lifetime fighting for. And in the end, I saw the price was too high." He shrugged, and looked down, as if ashamed.

Anne stared into that face, thinking. Once upon a time, not even Tomas Nau could deceive her. When Anne was Focused, the edges of her mind had been sharp as razors, unencumbered by distraction and wishful thinking—and knowing Tomas's true intent was no more use to her than a hatchet knowing it is for murdering. Now, she wasn't sure. This man could be lying, but what he asked of her was what she yearned to do more than anything else in the world. And then, having paid back as best she could, then she could die. She returned his shrug with one of her own. "Tomas Nau lied to you about deFocus."

"He lied about many things."