A Stainless Steel Rat Is Born

"But if that is all there is to crime, or rebellion against the system-where does that leave you and me?" "I thought you would never ask. These dropouts I have described, whom you have associated with in prison, comprise ninety-nine point nine percent of crime in our organized and dandified society. It is the last and vital one-tenth of one percent that we represent that is so vital to the fabric of this same society. Without us the heat death of the universe would begin. Without us the lives of all the sheep-like citizenry would be so empty that mass suicide to escape it would be the only answer. Instead of pursuing us and calling us criminals they should honor us as first among them!" There were sparks in his eyes and thunder in his voice when he spoke. I did not want to internipt his fulminatory speech, but there were questions to be asked.

"Please excuse me-but would you be so kind as to point out just why this is so?" "It is so because we give the police something to do, someone to chase, some reason for rushing about in their expensive machines. And the public-how they watch the news and listen for the latest reports on our exploits, how they talk to each other about it and relish every detail! And what is the cost of all this entertainment and social good? Nothing. The service is free, even though we risk life, limb, and liberty to provide it. What do we take from them? Nothing. Just money, paper, and metal symbols. All of it insured. If we clean out a bank, the money is returned by the insurance company who, at the ehd of the year, may reduce their annual dividend by a microscopic amount. Each shareholder will receive a millionth of a buck less. No sacrifice, no sacrifice at all. Benefactors, my boy, we are nothing less than benefactors.

"But in order for us to accomplish all this good for them we must operate outside their barriers and well outside of their rules. We must be as stealthy as rats in the wainscoting of their society. It was easier in the old days of course, and society had more rats when the rules Were looser, just as old wooden buildings have more rats than concrete buildings. But there are rats in the buildings now as well. Now that society is all ferroconcrete and stainless steel there are fewer gaps between the joints. It takes a very smart rat indeed to find these openings. Only a stainless steel rat can be at home in this environment." I broke into spontaneous applause, clapping until my hands hurt, and he nodded his head with gracious acceptance of the tribute.

"That is what we are," I enthused. "Stainless steel rats! It is a proud and lonely thing to be a stainless steel rat!" He lowered his head in acknowledgment, then spoke. "I agree. Now — my throat is dry from all this talking and I wonder if you could aid me with the complex devices about us. Is there any way you might extract a doublecherry oozer from them?" I turned to the maze of thudding and whirring machinery that covered the inner wall.

"There is indeed, and I shall be happy to show you how. Each of these machines has a testing switch. This, if you will look close, is the one on the drink dispenser. First you must turn it to on, then you can actuate the dispenser, which will deliver the drink here instead of to a customer on the other side. Each is labeled-see, this is the cherry oozer. A mere touch and... there!" With a whistling thud it dropped into place and The Bishop seized it up. As he began to drink he froze, then whispered out of the corner of his mouth.

"I just realized, there is a window here and a young lady is staring in at me!" "Fear not," I reassured him. "It is made of one-way glass. She is just admiring her face. It is the inspection port to look at the customers. " "Indeed? Ahh, yes, I can see now. They are indeed a ravenous lot. All that mastication causes a rumble in my own turn, I am forced to admit. " "No trouble at all. These are the food controls. That nearest one is for the Maebunnyburger, if you happen to like them." "Love them until my nose crinkles." "Then here." He seized up the steaming package, traditionally decorated with beady eyes and tufted tail of course, and munched away. It was a pleasure to watch him eat. But I tore myself away before I forgot and pushed coins into the slot on back of the armored coinbox.

The Bishop's eyes widened with astonishment. As soon as he swallowed he spoke.