Agatha H and the Voice of the Castle

¹⁵ In a world filled with mad science, heterodyning occupies a special place. It is a peculiar vocal tick that appears to be unique to the Heterodyne family. According to its practitioners, it cancels out ambient noise, making it easier to concentrate on the task at hand. If this is true, it means that the person heterodyning is able to instantaneously analyze all incoming noise and organically generate its harmonic opposite subconsciously, without engaging the brain’s higher mental functions. As academics who have devoted their careers to trying to understand the Lady Heterodyne, we can assure you that the more you think about it, the creepier it gets.

¹⁶ When the Jägermonsters were absorbed into the Baron’s forces, one of the conditions was that they stay out of their former home, Mechanicsburg. It was thought that they retained too many memories, loyalties, and associations with the place, and if they were ever to be rehabilitated, it would be best to remove them from a place where their assorted cruelties and atrocities were enshrined on various public monuments and featured in children’s books.

¹⁷ The Jägers are remarkably close mouthed about the process that made them into Jägers, a secret of the Heterodynes that they appear ready to carry to their graves. However they talk quite freely and at great length about what it means to be a Jäger. The Jägertroth is the blood vow that one made before the Jägerification process was begun. It involves serving the Heterodyne family above all else, being willing to die for them (any number of times), and an acknowledgement that this vow is binding beyond the limits of time, space, death, and the perceived three dimensions. It is, according to all accounts, a pretty big deal.

¹⁸ At this point in history, the Empire of the Pax Transylvania controlled much of the continent of Europa. Thus, one would hardly be expected to believe that one little island nation to the west could cause any serious problems. You would be quite wrong. Due to England’s extensive trading fleet, loyal colonies, cosmopolitan citizenry, and, of course, Her Undying Majesty, Queen Albia, powerbrokers around the globe refused to call a winner in the event of a straight-up war. Diplomatic relations between the Baron and England had started out cordial enough. Indeed, the British had been instrumental in helping the nascent Empire clear out some of the more entrenched nests of Revenants, Slaver Wasps, and Pirates in Western Europa. However, as the Empire had continued to expand in power, territory, influence, and market share, relations had cooled considerably. Luckily, both Empires were governed by genuine geniuses, who knew enough to stay out of each other’s hair.

CHAPTER 3

Your Majesty, it is with great chagrin that I must again report our failure to assassinate the Heterodyne.

Considering the importance of the assignment, I followed your Majesty’s advice and sent in not one team, but two. The second was led by none other than Don Giorello of Venice, whom you may recall, having served your Majesty so admirably in the affair of the burning windmill.

According to him, the infiltration of Mechanicsburg and even of Castle Heterodyne was easy enough. It was once they were inside that things fell apart.

I have provided, for your edification, a verbatim transcription of Don Giorello’s debriefing:

The castle itself is alive. I say this now, to try to explain that which happened to myself and to my team, may God have mercy upon their souls. I understand that this might be considered a blasphemous statement, but I find that after the experiences of the last few days, I no longer care overly much for the opinions of a God who would allow such a thing to exist upon this sphere.

So. The castle, it is a constructed thing of stone and iron. A building where people live and eat and sleep. But it is also alive, and more than alive. It has intelligence. It is sentient. Furthermore, do not try to conceive of it as some ordinary beast, but rather like some enormous protean creature that is not relegated to one set configuration!