Alcatraz Versus the Knights of Crystallia

She was almost superhuman in her ability to organize—a machine of identification and order. Dirty, unkempt piles disappeared beneath her touch, transformed into neat stacks, the dust and grime cleaned from them in a single motion of her hand.

Soon Folsom got the idea to recruit some of the soldiers to help. Himalaya sat in the center of the room like a multiarmed Hindu goddess, her hands a blur. We brought her stacks of books and she organized them in the blink of an eye, leaving them grouped by subject. She had a serene smile on her face. It was the smile my grandfather had when he spoke of an exciting infiltration, or the way Sing looked when he spoke of his cherished antique weapons collection. It was the expression of someone doing work they perfectly and truly enjoyed.

I rushed forward with another stack of books. Himalaya snatched them without looking at me, then threw them into piles like a dealer dealing cards.

Impressive! I thought.

“All right, I have to say it,” Himalaya said as she worked. Soldiers clinked in their armor, rushing back and forth, delivering stacks of unorganized books to her feet, then taking away the neatly organized ones she placed behind her.

“What is wrong with you Free Kingdomers?” she demanded, ranting as if to nobody in particular. “I mean, I left the Hushlands because I disagreed with the way the Librarians were keeping information from the people.

“But why is it bad to organize? Why do you have to treat books like this? What’s wrong with having a little order? You Free Kingdomers claim to like things loose and free, but if there are never any rules, there is chaos. Organization is important.”

I set down my stack of books, then rushed back.

“Who knows what treasures you could have lost here?” she snapped, arms flying. “Mold can destroy books. Mice can chew them to bits. They need to be cared for, treasured. Somebody needs to keep track of what you have so that you can appreciate your own collection!”

Folsom stepped up beside me, his brow dripping with sweat. He watched Himalaya with adoring eyes, smiling broadly.

“Why did I have to give up who I was?” the Librarian ranted. “Why can’t I be me, but also be on your side? I don’t want to stifle information, but I do want to organize it! I don’t want to rule the world, but I do want to bring it order! I don’t want everything to be the same, but I do want to understand!”

She stopped for a moment. “I am a good Librarian!” she declared in a triumphant voice, grabbing a huge stack of unorganized books. She shook them once, like one might a pepper shaker, and somehow the books all aligned in order by subject, size, and author.

“Wow,” Folsom breathed.

“You really do love her,” I said.

Folsom blushed, looking at me. “Is it that obvious?”

It hadn’t been to me. But I smiled anyway.

“These last six months have been amazing,” he said, getting that dreamy, disgusting tone to his voice that lovesick people often use. “I started out just watching to see if she was a spy, but after I determined that she was safe … well, I wanted to keep spending time with her. So I offered to coach her on Nalhallan customs.”

“Have you told her?” I asked, soldiers bustling around me, carrying stacks of books.

“Oh, I couldn’t do that,” Folsom said. “I mean, look at her. She’s amazing! I’m just a regular guy.”

“A regular guy?” I asked. “Folsom, you’re a Smedry. You’re nobility!”

“Yeah,” he said, looking down. “But I mean, that’s just a name. I’m a boring person when you get down to it. Who thinks a critic is interesting?”

I resisted pointing out that Librarians weren’t exactly known for being the most exciting people either.

“Look,” I said. “I don’t know a lot about things like this, but it seems to me that if you love her, you should say so. I—”

At that moment, Prince Rikers walked up. “Hey, look!” he said, proffering a book. “They have one of my novels in here! Preserved for all of posterity. The music even still works. See!”

He opened the cover.

And so, of course, Folsom punched me in the face.

Chapter 16

Now, I would like to make it clear that violence is rarely the best solution to problems.

For instance, the next time you get attacked by a group of angry ninjas, one solution would be to kick the lead ninja, steal his katana, and proceed to slay the rest of the group in an awesome display of authorial fury. While this might be fulfilling—and a little bit fun—it would also be rather messy, and would earn you the ire of an entire ninja clan. They’d send assassins after you for the rest of your life. (Having to fight off a ninja in the middle of a date can be quite embarrassing.)

So instead of fighting, you could bribe the ninjas with soy sauce, and then send them to attack your siblings instead. That way you can get rid of some unwanted soy sauce. See how easy it is to avoid violence?