All This Life

She handed them over and Hank sprinted out, peeled out, and Sara was alone in the kitchen. She is alone now, fixating on the twigs of fingernails on the table. The rusty little clippers next to them. The fingernails in a pile, like dried-out snakes.

Sara experienced what might be considered remorse. Because it wasn’t only Felix down there. Rodney was in the front yard. The last thing she wanted was for him to get hurt.

They’d been so close before his accident. He was her first kiss, her first love. It wasn’t fairy tale romantic or anything, that first time they felt each other’s lips behind 7-Eleven, next to a dumpster. They’d bought Slurpees and were playing pinball and Rodney’s lips were purple from his grape Slurpee, which he refused to drink with a straw, a detail that Sara found wildly strange and endearing. Everyone drank Slurpees with straws, but not Rodney, putting his lips on the cup and taking small sips like it was coffee.

It looked to Sara like purple lipstick. She remembers thinking that: Rodney’s wearing lipstick.

He was so into the game that he made contorted faces, puckering his purple lips as he manned the machine, about to get multi-ball when for the first time ever Sara got turned on — or at least the first time she could remember. She needed to kiss him. She had a craving for a kiss that had to happen right that second, no matter the setting or their sugared breath or how unreal the temperature was outside, pushing 110˚.

“Come here,” she said, dragging him from the machine.

“Wait, I’ve almost got—”

“Do you want to kiss me?”

His hands immediately fell from the machine, leaving it beeping and chirping and gloating as the silver ball drained down the middle, and Rodney’s purple lips trailed Sara outside the 7-Eleven, into the side alley, with its smell of humid old hot dogs. They stood right by a dumpster teeming with processed foods and right on top was a cardboard cutout of a Nascar driver holding a glistening bottle of beer with a caption that said, “The one and only.”

None of these details derailed Sara’s titanium impulse. She would have this kiss and it would be amazing. She could sense it.

She could also, though, sense that Rodney was nervous, eyes darting all around, fidgeting from foot to foot. He pointed at the cardboard driver and said, “Did you know racecar is a palindrome?”

“What’s a palindrome?”

“Something that’s spelled the same way backward.”

Sara tried spelling racecar the other way in her head, but didn’t care enough to get past the first C, and she said to Rodney, “Kiss me.”

And he did. He put his purple lips on hers. His mouth was cold. She could not only smell grape but chocolate, left over from a donut they split. The kiss lasted about twenty seconds. Then they pulled back and stared at each other.

“Wow,” he said.

“Again,” she said.

They didn’t leave the alley for fifteen more minutes. That Nascar driver watched the whole show.

Which now that Sara thinks about it is a merciless foreshadowing. Because every perv in the world is kicking back with a cold one and watching her sex tape. Every creep on the planet knows that Sara is the one and only girl in the video.

She pulls out her phone and sends Nat this text: Why?

She tries to block out images of Hank pummeling Rodney.

It’s possible that her brother wouldn’t harm him. Hank knows their history. Knows how close they once were.

But when his temper cranks up, Hank isn’t thinking about anything rational.

The feeling in her hands is back. The feeling that she has hands. That she’s aware of having hands. With the sex tape and the suspension and Nat being a total asshole and Felix being mean, Sara’s hands get the vibrating cell phone feeling again; however, it’s worse this time. They feel heavy, like twenty pounds each.

Nat’s not going to answer her text. It’s over. This is his way of breaking up. That’s who she should sic Hank on, her attack dog and protector. At least, Hank has her back. He’ll always defend her. Without her brother looking out, Sara would have no one knocking the monsters away. She’s lucky to have him, even when he frustrates her so much, even when it’s hours of thwunk and rip.

She should make Nat explain it to her, decrypt the teasing why of it. Hank can hold him down and Sara can interrogate. Make her understand precisely why he treated her this way.

There’s no reason not to clip her own fingernails, sitting at the kitchen table. She picks the clippers and only does the pinkie and then she feels a swelling in her hand, like it’s about to burst.

Deep breaths, Sara. Don’t flip out. Don’t lose it. He’s fine. Hank won’t hurt him. He’s only getting even with Felix.