Today I am said to live; tomorrow, here in this room, will lie a senseless shape of clay that all too long was I. If anyone lift the cloth from the face of that unpleasant thing it will be in gratification of a mere morbid curiosity. Some, doubtless, will go further and inquire, “Who was he?” In this writing I supply the only answer that I am able to make – Caspar Grattan. Surely, that should be enough. The name has served my small need for more than twenty years of a life of unknown length. True, I gave it to myself, but lacking another I had the right. In this world one must have a name; it prevents confusion, even when it does not establish identity. Some, though, are known by numbers, which also seem inadequate distinctions.
One day, for illustration, I was passing along a street of a city, far from here, when I met two men in uniform, one of whom, half pausing and looking curiously into my face, said to his companion, “That man looks like 767.” Something in the number seemed familiar and horrible. Moved by an uncontrollable impulse, I sprang into a side street and ran until I fell exhausted in a country lane.
I have never forgotten that number
(я так никогда и не забыл этот номер), and always it comes to memory attended by gibbering obscenity (и всегда он вспоминается: «приходит в память» в сопровождении бессмысленной ругани; to gibber – говорить быстро, невнятно, бессвязно; obscenity – непристойность; похабщина; непристойная брань, сквернословие), peals of joyless laughter (взрывов хохота, в котором нет радости: «безрадостного смеха»), the clang of iron doors (лязга железных дверей). So I say a name, even if self-bestowed, is better than a number (поэтому я говорю, что имя, даже если выбираешь его сам, лучше, чем номер; to bestow – давать, даровать, жаловать). In the register of the potter’s field I shall soon have both (скоро в кладбищенской книге я обрету и то, и другое; register – журнал /записей, регистрации/; учетная книга; potter – гончар; горшечник; field – поле; potter’s field – кладбище для бедняков и бродяг[14]). What wealth (какое богатство)!