Английский шутя. Английские и американские анекдоты для начального чтения

God says, "So you would like them (чтобы они вам нравились)."

"OK," the guy says. "But how come you made them so beautiful? (но как "случилось", что ты сделал их такими красивыми)"

"So you would LOVE them (чтобы вы их (по)любили)," God replies (отвечает).

The man ponders a moment (задумался на секунду; to ponder — обдумывать) and then asks, "But why did you make them such airheads? (такими легкомысленными: "воздушноголовыми")"

God says, "So they would love you! (чтобы они (по)любили вас)"

A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet God and asks God if he can ask him a few questions.

"Sure," God says, "Go right ahead".

"OK," the man says. "Why did you make women so pretty?"

God says, "So you would like them."

"OK," the guy says. "But how come you made them so beautiful?"

"So you would LOVE them," God replies.

The man ponders a moment and then asks, "But why did you make them such airheads?"

God says, "So they would love you!"

Go right ahead.

A New York Divorce Lawyer (нью-йоркский адвокат по бракоразводным процессам; divorce [d'v(r)s]) died and arrived at the Pearly Gates (умер и попал к жемчужным воротам = к вратам рая). Saint Peter asks him (Святой Петр спрашивает его), "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven? (что ты сделал, чтобы удостоиться входа в рай)" The Lawyer thought a moment (подумал секунду), then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street (неделю назад я дал четвертак (25 пенсов) бездомному человеку на улице)." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out (проверить это) in the record (в записи, архиве; record ['rek(r)d]), and after a moment (через секунду) Gabriel affirmed that this was true (подтвердил, что это правда).

Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine (ну, это здорово, прекрасно), but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven (но этого на самом деле не вполне достаточно, чтобы взять тебя в рай; quite — вполне, довольно)."

The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! (подождите, подождите, вот еще) Three years ago (три года назад) I also (также) gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded (кивнул) to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back (кивнул в ответ), affirming this, too, had been verified (подтверждая, что это также проверено; to verify ['verfa]).

Saint Peter then whispered (шепнул) to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow? (что ты предлагаешь нам сделать с этим парнем)"

Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance (косой взгляд), then said to Saint Peter,

"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell! (давай отдадим ему обратно его 50 центов и скажем ему отправляться к черту: «в ад»)"

A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter asks him, "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"

The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street."

Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."

The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"

Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,

"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."

Go to Hell!

Three men died in a car accident (три человека погибли в автомобильной аварии) and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates (и встретили самого Иисуса у жемчужных ворот).