Assassin's Quest

The first time it happened, the first time I sat bolt upright with a wordless cry, Burrich rolled from his bed, to put his hand on my shoulder, to ask if I was all right. I shoved him away from me so savagely he crashed into the table and nearly overset it. Fear and anger crested into an instant of fury when I would have killed him simply because he was where I could reach him. At that moment I rejected and despised myself so completely that I desired only to destroy everything that was me, or bordered on myself. I repelled savagely at the entire world, almost displacing my own consciousness. Brother, brother, brother, Nighteyes yelped desperately within me, and Burrich staggered back with an inarticulate cry. After a moment I could swallow and mutter to Burrich, "A nightmare, that was all. Sorry. I was still dreaming, just a nightmare."

"I understand," he said brusquely, and then, more thoughtfully, "I understand." He went back to his bed. But I knew what he understood was that he could not help me with this, and that was all.

The nightmares did not come every night, but often enough to leave me dreading my bed. Burrich pretended to sleep through them, but I was aware of him lying awake as I fought my night battles alone. I had no recollection of the dreams, only the wrenching terror they brought me. I had felt fear before. Often. Fear when I had fought Forged ones, fear when we had battled Red-Ship warriors, fear when I had confronted Serene. Fear that warned, that spurred, that gave one the edge to stay alive. But the night fear was an unmanning terror, a hope that death would come and end it, because I was broken and knew I would give them anything rather than face more pain.

There is no answer to a fear like that or the shame that comes after it. I tried anger, I tried hatred. Neither tears nor brandy could drown it. It permeated me like an evil smell and colored every remembrance I had, shading my perception of who I had been. No moment of joy, or passion, or courage that I could recall was ever quite what it had been, for my mind always traitorously added, "Yes, you had that, for a time, but after came this, and this is what you are now." That debilitating fear was a cowering presence inside me. I knew, with a sick certainty, that if I were pressed I would become it. I was no longer FitzChivalry. I was what was left after fear had driven him from his body.

On the second day after Burrich had run out of brandy, I told him, "I'll be fine here if you want to go into Buckkeep Town."

"We've no money to buy more supplies, and nothing left to sell off." He said it flatly, as if it were my fault. He was sitting by the fire. He folded his two hands together and clasped them between his knees. They had been shaking, just a little. "We're going to have to manage on our own now. There's game in plenty to be had. If we can't feed ourselves up here, we deserve to starve."

"Are you going to be all right?" I asked flatly.

He looked at me through narrowed eyes. "Meaning what?" he asked.

"Meaning there's no more brandy," I said as bluntly.

"And you think I can't get by without it?" His temper was rising already. It had become increasingly short since the brandy ran out.

I gave a very small shrug. "I was asking. That's all." I sat very still, not looking at him, hoping he wouldn't explode.

After a pause, he said, very quietly, "Well, I suppose that's something we'll both have to find out."

I let a long time pass. Finally I asked, "What are we going to do?"

He looked at me with annoyance. "I told you. Hunt to feed ourselves. That's something you should be able to grasp."

I looked away from him, gave a bobbing nod. "I understood. I mean … past that. Past tomorrow."

"Well. We'll hunt for our meat. We can get by for a bit that way. But sooner or later, we'll want what we can't get nor make for ourselves. Some Chade will get for us, if he can. Buckkeep is as picked over as bare bones now. I'll have to go to Buckkeep Town, for a while, and hire out if I can. But for now …"

"No," I said quietly. "I meant … we can't always hide up here, Burrich. What comes after that?"

It was his turn to be quiet awhile. "I suppose I hadn't given it much thought. At first it was just a place to take you while you recovered. Then, for a time, it seemed as if you'd never …"

"But I'm here, now." I hesitated. "Patience," I began.