Baumgartner generations: Janie

“You guys are so bad.” I sighed, glancing down at my phone. I had it in my hand, in my lap, waiting for a call or text from Josh. It was Saturday afternoon, and I was sure we’d see each other tonight, especially since Gretchen was now staying at TJ and Ronnie’s in the guest bedroom until she could find an apartment. I flipped through, noticing two texts from Lil. WHERE ARE U? and WTF?? Ugh. I’d been so involved the past few weeks, I hadn’t even called her back.

The phone rang in my hand and I jumped. “I have to take this.” Ronnie looked at me, eyebrows raised. “Go ahead.”

“I’ll be right back.” I stood, rushing toward the back of the deli, not wanting them to hear my conversation with Josh. Too obvious, I realized, but oh well, it was too late.

“Hello?” I said breathlessly, slipping into the women’s bathroom. Empty. Thank god.

"I told Catherine."

My breath caught in my throat. Of course I knew what he’d told her-that he was seeing me. Granted, we hadn’t been together face-to-face since the night he drove me home from Tamarind, but we’d been talking practically non-stop. We’d even talked about Catherine and their relationship and how he’d had the feeling, ever since he’d agreed to the seeing-other-people-thing, that it was more a one-way street in Catherine’s eyes. Her street. Not his.

I swallowed hard. "…And?"

"She wants a divorce."

"Josh…" I breathed, leaning back against the wall. I felt like if I didn’t have something to lean on, I was going to fall over. "Don't kid around."

"I'm not." So matter-of-fact, but I could hear it in his voice. His heart was broken.

I sank to the floor, unmindful of where I was, whispering, "I can't believe it."

"I can."

"But-” I protested. “But she was the one who wanted an open marriage!"

"I know,” he agreed with a sigh. “But apparently she was only fine with that if I wasn't seeing someone else."

I stared at the phone. "Is that what she said?"

"She said a lot of things." His voice grew clipped and short.

"I'm sorry,” I apologized. "I didn't mean to pry."

He took a deep breath. "She said mostly that she loves women."

"Well…so do I,” I replied, thinking of Ronnie. And Ronnie and Gretchen. They’d been lovers once, too.

"No…I mean… really loves women,” he said. “Like, exclusively."

"Then…why did she marry you?" I pondered, shaking my head.

"Yeah, that was my question."

"Did you get an answer?” I glanced up as someone walked in. It was clearly a New York tourist-the I “heart” New York t-shirt was a dead giveaway-and she did a double take at me sitting on the floor, but I didn’t care.

"She said she married me because she loved me.” He sighed. “Still loves me, I guess.”

"And you love her.”

"I did,” he admitted sadly. “I do."

"How long have you been married again?"

"Four years."

Not chump change. "And how long have you had an open marriage?"

"Two."

I blinked at the phone. I knew I’d heard the numbers before, but they still stunned me. "She's been sleeping with other women for two years…"

"Yep."

"And you never once…"

"Nope."

"Are you a masochist?"

Josh laughed. "I think I'm just…very stubborn. Like someone I know often says, ‘I want what I want.’"

“Yeah. I know what you mean.” I smiled, wishing I could reach through the phone and hug him. "So now what?"

"I don't know, Janie."

I closed my eyes, leaning my head back against the tiles. "Josh, I…I really…like you."

"I like you too." He gave a low laugh. "Yeah, that's an understatement."

I glanced over as the tourist came out of the stall and started to wash her hands.

"But I’ll be honest…I don't want to be the cause of your marriage falling apart."

"No." I heard the protest in his voice. "Janie, don't even think that."

"But if it weren't for me-"

"Janie, stop." There was steel in his voice now."Catherine made her decision, and she used you as an excuse to make it. That's all. It doesn't have anything to do with you personally. Not really."

"I just…” I sighed as the tourist woman walked past me to the door. “I'm so sorry."

"It'll be okay,” Josh assured me softly. “Trust me. I know it will.” I shook my head, swallowing past a lump in my throat. "I don't know what to say."

"How about saying yes.”

"Yes?” I asked quizzically. “To what?"

“To me.” This time his voice was near a whisper.

And so was mine. "Oh Josh…"

He cleared his throat. "I made reservations at the Plaza."

"Yikes!” I rested my forehead on my hand. “I think it's a little soon. Don’t you? I mean…it feels like… like having sex at a funeral."

"That's morbidly hot.” He laughed.

"Josh!"

"Well, I did it for two reasons,” he explained. “I admit, it gives us a place to go besides the car…but it also gives me a place to stay."

"She's kicking you out?" I exclaimed.

"No…” he corrected me. “I told her I was leaving."

I blinked, feeling tears stinging my eyes. "Is this really what you want?"

" You are what I want."

My heart stopped. "Oh Josh…"

"All you have to do is say yes."

"I don't know…” I breathed. This was all so very complicated-and getting worse by the minute. “I mean…"