Baumgartner generations: Janie

“Josh and Catherine are married,” I said flatly.

Her eyes widened. “Oh Janie…”

“This is a very long story, Mother, and I really don’t feel like telling it right now.” I walked away from the sympathy and concern in her eyes. “I’m going to find Josh.”

“They all went out on the lake,” she called.

I stopped. “Who?”

“Everyone but TJ and Ronnie.”

So Josh was out on the boat with Catherine. I was sure he went to punish me.

We hadn’t even sat next to each other at dinner or said, ‘Pass the salt.’

I’d intended to go apologize after I finished doing the dishes-I always did housework when I was mad, it expended my energy and made me feel better-but now he was gone. Out on the boat. With Catherine.

And it didn’t escape me, the irony that I was jealous of a woman that I, myself, had been with. That I had no room to be jealous in the first place, considering that I was still involved with Ronnie and TJ. What in the hell was wrong with me?

“I’m gonna go take a nap,” I said, heading up the stairs.

“Janie.” My mom called from the bottom and I looked back over my shoulder with a sigh. I knew she was trying to help, but there were just things you couldn’t tell your mother. “I love you,” she said finally.

“Ditto.”

I closed our bedroom door and stretched out on the bed, hugging Josh’s pillow because it smelled like him. “Oh Josh, I’m sorry,” I whispered, letting the tears I’d been holding back finally burst out. I cried into his pillow, I didn’t know how long-until that horrible, stuffed-up, sleepy, after-crying feeling came over me and I fell asleep.

I didn’t hear TJ come into our room. I didn’t know he was there until I felt him behind me in bed, spooning me, his hand moving over my hip.

“You okay?” he murmured, kissing my cheek. “I thought I heard you crying.”

“M’okay.” I sniffed, snuggling back against him, so warm and solid, taking comfort in his arms.

“You can tell me.”

I shook my head. That felt like even more of a betrayal to Josh than anything.

“Janie, we’ve been talking.”

I turned to face him, frowning.

“Maybe this isn’t such a good idea.” He swallowed, tracing my jaw line with his finger. “Maybe it’s time we stopped being Janie-and-Ronnie-and-TJ… so you two can be just-Janie-and-Josh…and we can be just-Ronnie-and-TJ.” I didn’t know if it was hearing the phrase “just-Janie” or the realization that he was actually talking about ending things, but it brought my tears, already close to the surface, welling up again.

“Is that what you guys want?” I choked, images of the times we’d spent together flashing through my head-Ronnie and I trying on dresses together in Neiman Marcus, knowing we weren’t going to buy anything, but admiring each other just the same; the time TJ stole me a whole bunch of lilacs from the tree down the block just because I said they were my favorite flower; the three of us rolling around in bed, tickling each other, trying not to laugh so loud we woke Beth.

“Maybe it’s not what we want.” He sighed, leaning over to kiss my cheek. “It might not even be the best thing…but maybe…maybe it’s the right thing.” I knew what they were doing. They were setting me free. Loving me enough to let me go. Isn’t that what Ronnie had said? Still, it hurt. It hurt so bad I couldn’t breathe.

“TJ.” I gasped out his name, cupping his face in my hands and kissing him. It was a thank-you kiss, a goodbye kiss, an I will never forget you kiss. It was our last kiss, and it would have been, I think, even if Josh hadn’t opened the door to our room and walked in to find us.

He didn’t say a word. The look on his face said more than enough.

I sat up, calling after him-he was already halfway down the hall. “Josh! Wait!”

But he was already down the stairs, out the front door. By the time I’d crawled over TJ and made it to the hallway, Ronnie was there, doubled over and clutching her belly.

“Teej!” she cried, reaching for him blindly. “The baby!”

“Fuck!” He was over to her, supporting her, before I could take my next breath.

“Janie, get Josh.”

Get Josh? That’s what I’d been going to do. Josh would fix everything. But Josh had left me. He didn’t just storm away, like he had before when we were fighting. He’d walked away, disappeared, like he’d never been there at all. And why not? I’d lied to him. I’d betrayed him.

“Hurry!” TJ yelled as Ronnie clutched him, gasping for air. “We need to get to the nearest hospital! Now!”

“Okay.” I felt like I was moving in slow-motion, reaching in my back pocket for my phone. “I’ll call 911.”

“Oh god,” Ronnie whimpered. “It’s pre-term labor. Just like with Beth.” Her eyes were wild when she looked up at her husband. “Not again. Please. Not again!”

“Goddamnit!” TJ swore, pulling her close, cradling her. “I told you we shouldn’t have come!” he snapped, proving to me once again that even people who love each other, maybe especially people who love each other, said awful, horrible things.

“No signal,” I whispered, punching at my phone, staring, incredulous, at the one bar showing in the corner.