Bridget Jones: Mad About the Boy

10.30 a.m. Just returned, traumatized from bike ride. Completely terrifying. Kept feeling had forgotten to put seat belt on, and getting off whenever a car came. Maybe will go on canal towpath.

11.30 a.m. Just back from canal ride on bike. Went really well until someone threw an egg at me from a bridge. Or maybe it was a bird which went into sudden early labour. Will clean off egg, not do Boris Bikes any more and go to Obesity Clinic on bus. At least will be alive and clean when sitting on arse instead of dead and covered in egg.

Thursday 14 June 2012

167lb!

Keep repeatedly taking off clothes and getting on scales, then taking off watch, bracelet, etc. and staring delightedly at dial. Just makes me want to do diet more.

Wednesday 20 June 2012

1 p.m. Have just been to gym – which is good, though hideous, obviously. Also what is the law which says that when changing room is empty except for one other person, their locker will always be the one directly above yours?

Now am going to got back on Twitter and find people.

1.30 p.m.

<@DalaiLama Just as a snake sheds its skin, so we must shed our past again and again.>

You see? The Dalai Lama and I are one cyber-mind. I am shedding my fat like a snake.

Wednesday 27 June 2012

9.30 a.m. Have started my Hedda Gabbler screenplay. Is really very relevant because it is about a girl living in Norway – which I am going to translate to Queen’s Park – who decides ‘her dancing days are over’ and nobody lovely is going to actually marry her, so goes for someone boring – like grabbing the last seat when the music stops in musical chairs. Maybe I will also make her lose loads of weight and get millions of Twitter followers.

10 a.m. Maybe not. Twitter followers 0.

Thursday 28 June 2012

159lb, pounds lost 16!

OMG. Have lost 16 lbs! The strange thing is, where hundreds and hundreds of diets over the years have failed or lasted five days, this one is actually . . .

. . . working! It is something about going every week and being weighed and having my fat-to-muscle ratio measured, and knowing I can’t cheat and tell myself am on the Hay Diet when I want a baked potato and the Weightwatchers diet when I want a Mars bar. Also just found I can fit into dress I had before I was pregnant (though admittedly tent-shaped) and that has whipped me into a frenzy of optimism.

Thursday 12 July 2012

155lb, pounds lost 20, pages of screenplay written 10, Twitter followers 0.

9.15 p.m. Oh God, I’m so lonely. Right. Am going to really get going on Twitter.

9.20 p.m. Dalai Lama has 2 million followers and yet he follows no one. That is right. A god cannot follow others. Wonder if he actually tweets himself or does he get his assistant to do it?

9.30 p.m. Complete meltdown. Lady Gaga has 33 million followers! Why am I even bothering? Twitter is giant popularity contest which I am doomed to be the worst at.

9.35 p.m. Just texted Tom explaining that Lady Gaga has 33 million followers and I have zero followers.

9.40 p.m.

10 p.m. @TomKat37 has 878 followers. How did he manage that?

Friday 13 July 2012

10.15 p.m. I’ve got a follower! You see. People are starting to notice my style.

10.16 p.m. Oh. <@TomKat37 You see? You’ve got a follower. Now keep going.>

Is just Tom.

Tuesday 17 July 2012

152lb. Twitter followers 1.

Noon. Glorious and historic day. Just went shopping to H&M and asked the assistant to bring me a 16 and she looked at me as if I was mad and said, ‘You need a 14.’

I scoffed, ‘I’ll never fit into a 14,’ and she brought it, and it fitted. I am a 14!

And I have a follower! Am practically viral.

Thursday 26 July 2012

149lb, pages of screenplay 25, Twitter followers 1.

Yayy! Have broken through 150lb glass floor (though may have been through standing on one leg and slightly leaning on washbasin).

Also am on total screenwriting roll. Have decided to call my screenplay The Leaves in His Hair, which is Hedda’s most famous line in Hedda Gabbler. Even though it is only famous because nobody understands what she means.

Monday 30 July 2012

148lb, Twitter followers 50,001.

9.15 p.m. I’ve got another follower! But a weird follower. It’s a follower with 50,000 followers.

9.35 p.m. What is it? It’s just sort of hovering there like a spaceship, watching silently. Feel I ought to fire on it or something.

9.40 p.m. It’s called XTC Communications.

10 p.m. Just tweeted whole weird-follower scenario to Tom, who tweeted back.