Bridget Jones: Mad About the Boy

When we got home to the room, the windows were wide open, and the room was filled with the scent of blossom and the gentle sound of the river. Unfortunately, though, the Bambi was so huge that all I could do was put on my slip and lie face downwards on the bed, feeling as though there was a massive dent beneath me in the mattress containing the Bambi. Then suddenly a dog started barking, really loudly, right outside the window. It just wouldn’t stop. Then the Bambi eased itself slightly and embarrassingly by letting out an enormous fart.

‘Jonesey!’ said Roxster. ‘Was that a fart?’

‘Maybe just a teensy-weensy little pfuff of Bambi,’ I said sheepishly.

‘Little pfuff? It was more like a plane taking off. It’s even silenced the dog!’

It had. But then the bloody dog started barking again. It was like being on a housing estate on the outskirts of Leeds.

‘I’ll give you something to take your mind off it, baby,’ said Roxster.

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

10 p.m. Back in London now. Blissful. Got home at six feeling like a new woman. Children seemed to have had a really good time and I was delighted to see them again, and was so full of joie de vivre and bonhomie that even a Sunday evening, with the panic of forgotten homework, passed in a golden joy of 50s-style hearth and home. Better, Easier Parenting? Just get laid a lot.

Ooh, text.

Roxster:

Hmm. Suspected a trick. Still wary from the whole confusion/panic attack thing.

Me: <*Farts* Not catching me out being lovey-dovey.>

Roxster: <*Sobs*>

Me: <*Evil cackle* I didn’t heart the weekend at all, honestly.>

Roxster:

Me:

Roxster:

Me:

Roxster:

Me:

Roxster:

Me:

Roxster:

Me:

Roxster:

Me:

IS IT SNOW OR IS IT BLOSSOM?

Tuesday 11 June 2013

133lb, days since any communication from Roxster 2, amount of day spent worrying about lack of communication from Roxster 95%, mass emails re Sports Day chopped vegetables 76, spam emails 104, combined minutes late for school pickups 9, number of sides on a pentagon (unknown).

2 p.m. Very weird weather – is freezing cold and little white things swirling about. Cannot be snow, surely – is June. Maybe is blossom? But so much of it.

2.05 p.m. Roxster has not called or texted since Sunday night.

2.10 p.m. It is snow. But not nice snow like in the winter. Is strange snow. Presumably world about to end through global warming. Think will go to Starbucks.

Though really ought to find somewhere other than Starbucks that does ham-and-cheese paninis in protest at whole tax-avoidance thing, though maybe irrelevant as world about to end anyway.

2.30 p.m. Mmm. Feel much jollier about everything, now am in world full of people and coffee and ham-and-cheese paninis all huddling together cosy from the cold. The weird unnatural snow has stopped and everything seems normal again. Honestly! Getting in such a stew about everything. Think will text Roxster. I mean, I haven’t texted him since Sunday night either, have I?

Roxster:

Me: <*Types* Roxster’s beefy shoulders glistened in the dappling sunlight like, like . . . beefy shoulders.>

Roxster:

Me: <*Calmly continues typing* An enormous fart emerged from his bum, which quivered in the blossom-scented air. . .>

Roxster has not replied. Ooh, text.

Was Jude.

Texted back: which wasn’t the sort of expression I usually use, but never mind.

2.55 p.m. Still Roxster has not replied. Hate this. Am so confused. And have to pick kids up in half an hour and be all cheerful. OK, have a few minutes to deal with Sports Day emails.

Sender:

Nicolette Martinez

Subject:

Sports Day Picnic

Sent from my Sony Ericsson Xperia Mini Pro

We need picnic items for boys/parents for our class. I’ve filled in the parents who have already volunteered. Juices: Dagmar

Sliced carrots, radishes and peppers (red and yellow): ?

Sandwiches: Atsuko Fujimoto

Crisps: Devora

Water: ???

Fruits: ??

Melon balls and strawberries: ?

Cookies (no nuts please!): Valencia

Black bin liners: Scheherazade

Let us know what you plan to bring.

Thank you.

Please let’s all bring picnic blankets if we have them.

Thanks, Nicolette

Sender:

Vladlina Koutznestov

Subject:

Re: Sports Day Picnic

I’ll bring fruits – probably some berries and cut-up melons.

Sender:

Anzhelika Sans Souci

Subject:

Re: Sports Day Picnic

I’ll bring sliced carrots, and radishes. Could someone else do red and yellow peppers?

Anzhelika

PS Should someone bring paper cups?

Farzia, Bikram’s mum, just forwarded me an email she’d – in a moment of utter madness – sent to Nicolette.

Sender:

Farzia Seth

Subject:

Re: Sports Day Picnic