Carpe Jugulum

Light from the entrance fell on a hunched figure, sitting among pools of water. Closer to, it looked like a statue, and perhaps not quite as human as the eye at first suggested. Water glistened on it; drops formed on the end of the long hooked nose and fell into a pool with the occasional plink.

'I come up here with a young wizard once, when I was a girl,' said Nanny. 'He liked nothing so much as bashing at rocks with his little hammer... well, almost nothing,' she added, with a smile towards the past and then a happy sigh. 'He said the witch was just a lot of of stuff from the rocks, left there by the water drippin'. But my granny said it was a witch that sat up here to think about some big spell, and she turned to stone. Person'ly, I keep an open mind.'

'It's a long way to bring someone,' said Agnes.

'Oh, there was a lot of us kids at home and it was rainin' a lot and you need a lot of privacy for really good geology,' said Nanny vaguely. 'I think his hammer's still around here somewhere. He quite forgot about it after a while. Mind how you tread, the rocks is very slippery. How's young Esme doing, Magrat?'

'Oh, gurgling away. I'll have to feed her soon.'

'We've got to look after her,' said Nanny.

'Well, yes. Of course.'

Nanny clapped her hands together and pulled them apart gently. The glow between them wasn't the showy light that wizards made, but a grainy graveyard glimmer. It was just enough to ensure that no one fell down a hole.

'Probably some dwarfs in a place like this,' said Magrat, as they picked their way along a tunnel.

'Shouldn't think so. They don't like places that don't stay the same. No one comes up here now but animals and Granny when she wants to be alone with her thoughts.'

'And you when you were banging rocks,' said Magrat.

'Hah! But it was different then. There was flowers on the moor and the bridge was just stepping stones. That's 'cos I was in love.'

'You mean it really does change because of the way you feel?' said Agnes.

'You spotted it. It's amazing how high and rocky the bridge can be if you're in a bad mood, I know that.'

'I wonder how high it was for Granny, then?'

'Probably clouds could go underneath, girl.'

Nanny stopped where the path forked, and then pointed.

'I reckon she's gone this way. Hold on-'

She thrust out an arm. Stone groaned, and a slab of roof thudded down, throwing up spray and pebbles.

'So we'll just have to climb over this bit, then,' Nanny went on, in the same matter-of-fact tone of voice.

'Something's trying to push us out,' said Agnes.

'But it won't,' said Nanny. 'And I don't think it'll harm us.'

'That was a big slab!' said Agnes.

'Yeah. But it missed us, didn't it?'

There was an underground river further on, sheer white water blurred with speed. It poured around and almost over a dam of driftwood, topped by an inviting long log.

'Look, this isn't safe for the baby!' said Agnes. 'Do you both see that? You're her mother, Magrat!'

'Yes, I know, I was there,' said Magrat, with infuriating calm. 'But this doesn't feel,unsafe. Granny's here somewhere.'

'That's right,' said Nanny. 'Really close now, I think.'

'Yes, but she can't control rivers and rocks-' Agnes began.

'Here? Dunno. Very... responsive place, this.'

They inched their way across the log, passing the baby from one to the other.

Agnes leaned against the stone wall. 'How much further?'

'Well, technic'ly a few inches,' said Nanny. 'That's helpful to know, isn't it?'

'Is it just me,' said Magrat, 'or is it getting warmer?'

'Now that,' said Agnes, pointing ahead, 'I don't believe.'

At the end of a slope a crevasse had opened in the rock. Red light spilled out. As they stared at it, a ball of flame rolled up and burst across the ceiling.

'Oh deary deary me,' said Nanny, who had taken a turn to carry the baby. 'An' it's not even as if there's any volcanoes anywhere near here. What can she be thinking?' She headed purposefully towards the fire.

'Careful!' Agnes shouted. 'Perdita says it's real!'

'What's that got to do with the price of fish?' said Nanny, and stepped into the fire.

The flames snapped out.

The other two stood in the chilly, damp gloom.

Magrat shuddered. 'Nanny, you are carrying the baby.'

'The harm you come to here is what you brings with you,' said Nanny. 'And it's Granny's thoughts that are shaping this place. But she wouldn't raise a hand to a child. Couldn't do it. Hasn't got it in her.'

'This place is reacting to what she's thinking?' said Agnes.

'I reckon so,' said Nanny, setting off again.

'I'd hate to be inside her head!'

'You nearly are,' said Nanny. 'Come on. We've passed the fire. I don't think there'll be anything else.'

They found her in a cavern. It had sand on the floor, smooth and unmarked by anything except one set of footprints. Her hat had been placed neatly beside her. Her head rested on a rolled-up sack. She held a card in stiff hands.

It read:

GOE AWAY

'That's not very helpful,' said Magrat, and sat down with the baby across her lap. 'After all this, too.'

'Can't We wake her up?' said Agnes.