Cat In A Topaz Tango

“Allow me to introduce myself,” I say, bowing so my luxurious black vibrissae blend tips with hers. (Vibrissae are known as whiskers to the commoner sort, such as humans.) “I am working undercover in this hotel. You may have heard of the Dancing With the Celebs event.”

“Then you are masquerading as a dancer?”

“No, I am masquerading as a celebrity mascot.”

“Oh! I am a mascot too!”

“What a coincidence. What are you a mascot of, or for?”

“This whole hotel. And your mascotery is—”

I am not about to identify myself as a “purse pussy.”

“I am a private detective by profession, Midnight Inc. Investigations, assigned to one of those currently popular teen pop tarts in the dance show, one Miss Zoe Chloe Ozone, as a personal pet. Only for appearances, I assure you. I am no one’s personal pet, although there are occasions when I would make an exception for the right little doll who could wrap me around her long supple tail.”

“You look like you have quite a long supple . . . tail yourself, Mr. Midnight.”

I am about ready to belie my words and do the happy dance.

“And how did you become a hotel mascot, may I ask?” I go on. “Other than sublime good looks, of course.”

She tilts her head adorably to the side and runs her little red tongue over her vibrissae, making them tremble, and me too.

“My mistress is a public events coordinator for this hotel.”

“What a coincidence! Miss Temple Barr, my current roommate, is a freelance version of same. She is a clever and comely and petite little doll to whom I am devoted.”

“How amazing. My Miss Tuesday Weldon answers to the same description and is devoted to me. I inspired her theme for the entire hotel.”

“What a coup for catkind. You are truly a pioneer.”

“I only assist my mistress. You are the first feline PI I have heard of. You must have carved a trail too.”

“This is top secret. I assist my roommate too. We are both undercover.”

“This is my hotel, Mr. Midnight. I deserve to know what danger assaults it.”

“The usual death threats so far.”

“Yes, that is quite usual these days. Well, Mr. Midnight—”

“I do not stand on formalities. Call me Louie.”

“Very well, Louie. I am working right now and must be on my appointed rounds.”

“‘Appointed rounds’? Surely you are not delivering mail?”

Her laugh is an entrancing burst of soft purrs. “No, no. Nothing so mundane. I am to cover the floor and show myself.”

“You are not being put on parade like a showgirl!”

“I am a showgirl, Louie,” she responds, patting my cheek with velvet paw. “I appear nightly at the Sandbox Lounge in the hotel, with the house magician.”

I stiffen. (Not that way!) The evil Hyacinth, the late Shangri-La’s feline assistant, had hitched her star to the only Asian female magician in Vegas.

“My main job,” she goes on, “is to stroll around with my necklace of amber-colored jewels. I am a walking special offer. The hotel’s guests can earn free chips, a dinner, a lodgings discount or other prizes by spotting me on my rounds and unfastening a pendant jewel from my collar.”

I would like to unfasten her collar! “So your work is promotional?”

“Purely.”

“I see your mistress is clever indeed and that I must not detain you longer, no matter how much I might wish to, as your job is to be mobile.”

“You are so . . . intuitive, Louie. I do like a sensitive male. I hope our paths cross again.”

“I am sure they will. And if a feline chap were to snag one of your valuable dangles—?”

“He would return it. For, alas, only humans can redeem the pendants for rewards.”

“Oh, I think there would rewards aplenty for an enterprising feline PI.”

“Just between you and I—”

I lean inward, not about to correct the grammar wafting from that honeyed breath.

“One of the faux pendants they place on my collar each morning is not just crystal, but a precious jewel. And the reward for finding that is major.”

I think for a moment, which is a considerable challenge, under the circumstances, as you may imagine.

“‘A precious jewel.’ Perhaps a jewel as precious as your name?”

“And what would that be, Louie?”

I am about to display my precious deductive gift.

“It is a gemstone,” I say, watching the flash of an appreciative gleam in her glorious golden eyes, “often having others substituted for itself: plain citrine, even lowly smoky quartz. But the true stone is worth a thousand times the lesser stones’ value, and ranges through a divine rainbow of warm gilt colors, from faintest dawn gold to the warm, ruddy sherry of sunset, and it is called ‘precious topaz,’ as are you.

“It has been a pleasure to meet you, Miss Topaz. I trust it will not be the last occasion.”

I am rewarded by the sight of her almost invisible airy black eyebrow vibrissae lilting high in shock and pleasure at my correct prediction of her name. I bow and back away.

Midnight Louie knows when to leave them laughing, and, more important, when to leave them swooning.

Brothers, Where

Art Thou?