Cat In A Topaz Tango

A full, formal wedding, yes! In Chicago and maybe again in Minneapolis. She was Glory B.’s size. Those yards of white organdy and trailing chiffon and pearls and rhinestones, a bride on a cloud with Matt glitteringly blond—what had they done to him? Oh, the spray tan, spray-in platinum highlights, then black-and-white formal dress. Matt would seethe about the artifice, but Zoe Chloe would have to beat them off with a baseball bat.

Ooh! The first threat of brutal violence at this competition and it was in Temple’s head.

“Prince Charming,” Rafi conceded, reading her besotted reaction and realizing he had just dissed her fiancé. “I guess a father-of-the-bride would put up with that if the guy could play pool.”

Temple felt ridiculously pleased, as if her father were sitting there okaying Matt.

Molina kept silent.

Did the woman have no hormones? Temple wondered, gazing happily on her beloved. The other couples weren’t tacky, either. She sighed as she absorbed the romantic costumes. And here Zoe Chloe was exiled to the lost-and-found department of teen angst: painted-on Goth tears and bedhead hair, long waif legs in funky hose under ultrashort skirts. Schoolgirl decadence.

Then she pulled herself out of the pack of overwhelmed audience and back into the persona of eagle-eyed observer. This dress rehearsal was the first time anyone had seen the contestants perform and could evaluate them. Even the judges would not arrive until the actual performances to give their thumbs-up and thumbs-down.

Temple’s innards were fluttering, hoping she hadn’t led Matt astray. Hoping he would perform as well as he looked. Hoping she got a hell of a wedding reception waltz with the groom out of this stunt.

Molina was looking more forbidding than ever, keeping a keen eye on Mariah and her giggling young cohorts and the smooth boy-band stars sitting behind the girls. The four junior couples would perform one to a show the four days before the finale.

What was different about this program was that the celebrities would take turns dancing with each other, after being coached by their propartners.

So, trailing down the treacherous stairs after Matt and Glory B., came the Cloaked Conjuror in stunning Phantom of the Opera mask and costume with a red-silk-lined cloak that preserved his anonymity even as it glamorized it. He had drawn escorting the ripe (firmly past fifty but sucked and tucked to make a TV living) Olivia Phillips as the Lady in scarlet satin and tulle.

Next came the lean and darkly handsome Olympic fencer, José Juarez, escorting the Amazonian wrestler Wandawoman, clad in off-the-shoulder jonquil satin that displayed her pumped up shoulders and arms, yet made power look feminine.

Last came celebrity chef Keith Salter, whose Three Tenor physique had somehow been jammed into a suave formal dress profile. His partner was the self-described “Hip-Hop Ho,” Motha Jonz, who had been corseted up and toned down into a jazz age queen in mocha chiffon and sequins.

Temple loved these onstage transformations. That was what made Dancing With the Stars a hit. Sure they were B- or C-level celebrities on the brink of has-beenship. It was never too late. Anyone could apply themselves to a new discipline, work hard, and come out fresh and even svelte from the chrysalis. It was Cinderella and the American dream all over again. Over and over. Make overs were ratings kings.

Why anyone would want to taint such a glorious American showbiz tradition with sabotage and death threats was puzzling.

What with Awful Crawford botching his intros, backstage costume problems, and ladies’ high heels catching in trailing, floor-length skirts, it took the entire two hours for each couple and the first junior contestant to get their full moment in the sun of the spotlights.

Matt’s waltz was smooth and sweeping. He was a dream prom date. Mariah’s compadres were giggling and whistling and clapping up a storm for him.

Temple relaxed, well pleased.

The Cloaked Conjuror already had a dramatic stage presence, and if he was heavy on his feet, he had an operatic majesty that made a stately frame for Olivia’s seasoned charms.

José Juarez executed a number of swoon-inducing masculine flourishes that made light of the task of steering the statuesque Wandawoman smoothly around the floor.

Weakest was the Keith Slater–Motha Jonz combo. Both were portly, and neither cooking nor hip-hop seemed professions that lent themselves to the froth of performing an elegant waltz. Both seemed embarrassed by everything: dance, costume, music, each other.

No one would be booted off until the end of the week, but judges would score everyone each night. Viewers would call in their votes daily, each call contributing twenty dollars to the cancer fund. In a reverse of the usual order, the judges’ scores would remain secret while the viewers would dominate the scoreboard. The kicker was that the judges could overturn a ranking.