Clandestine

Canfield eyed me coldly. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Lorna sitting rigid, fuming. "My client is a man of courage, Officer," Canfield said. "Edward Engels's life is at stake. Thad Green is an old friend of mine, as is the district attorney. Mr. Winton's affidavit will be delivered this afternoon. Mr. Winton realizes the police will have many questions for him; I will be present at the questioning. Mr. Winton is a prominent man; you will not beat any confession out of him. I came here to talk to you only because Lorna is an old friend and I respect her judgment of people. She told me you were concerned with justice, and I believed her . . ."

"I am concerned with justice, and . . ."

I couldn't finish. My resistance crumbled in a heap, and I felt my vision darken at the corner of my eyes. I picked up a heavy quartz bookend from Lorna's desk and hurled it at the glass part of her office door. The glass shattered outward and the bookend landed on the corridor floor with a loud bang. My hands were aching to hit something, so I mashed them together and closed my eyes, fighting tears and tremors. I heard Canfield say goodbye to Lorna, and heard footsteps as he ushered his client out the half-destroyed door.

"I believe Winton," Lorna said finally.

"So do I," I said.

"Freddy, Dudley Smith convinced the D.A. to let him head an investigation into a half-dozen unsolved homicides. He wants to pin them on Eddie Engels."

"Jesus, crazy Dudley. Is this guy Canfield a hotshot? He looks familiar."

"He's one of the finest, highest-paid criminal lawyers on the West Coast."

"And Winton has got money?"

"Yes, he's very wealthy. He owns two textile plants in Long Beach."

Still looking for outs, I persisted. "And Canfield is buddies with Thad Green and the D.A.?"

"Yes."

"Then Engels will go free and Dudley Smith and I will be up shit's creek without a paddle."

I looked through the gaping glass hole in the door, searching for something that would stop up the now-gaping hole in my life. "I'm sorry about the door, Lorna," was all I could think of.

Lorna pushed her swivel chair over to where I was sitting. "Are you sorry for Eddie Engels?" she asked.

"Yes," I said.

Lorna kissed me softly on the lips. "Then let justice be done. It's out of your hands now."

I pushed Lorna away from me. I didn't want to believe her. "And what about Maggie Cadwallader?" I shouted. I turned around to look at the hole in the door. Three men in suits were looking in on us.

"You okay, Lorna?" one of them asked.

Lorna nodded. They departed, looking skeptical. I could hear glass being swept up.

"What about Maggie Cadwallader?" Lorna asked. "Did you want revenge for her, or was this whole crusade just an exercise in wonder that went bad?"

Suddenly I wanted to hurt Lorna as I had never wanted to hurt anyone before. "I fucked Maggie Cadwallader on the same day I met you. I picked her up at the Silver Star bar and took her to her apartment and fucked her. That was how I got involved in this thing, how I knew where to look for evidence. I knew if I found the killer my career would skyrocket. I wanted you from the first moment I saw you. I wanted to have you, to fuck you, to make you mine. That was why I involved you in this; it was just another seduction in a whole fucking long line of them."

I didn't wait for Lorna to respond. I walked out of her office, not looking back.

I drove aimlessly, the way I had on the night I had met Maggie Cadwallader. I bought a copy of the L.A. Mirror. Engels's arraignment was on the front page. "'I Am Not A Homo!' Killer Screams." Yellow journalism at its best. The account revealed that Engels had had to be restrained and dragged out of the courtroom by three muscular bailiffs after submitting his plea of not guilty.

I threw the paper out the car window and drove east. Near San Bernardino I glimpsed from the freeway a large, well-set-up municipal golf course. I got off at the next exit, found the golf haven, parked in the deserted lot, bought two dozen balls, and rented a set of beat-up clubs from the pro shop. After paying my green fee, I ducked past the starter's cubicle and walked straight into the heart of the course.

I thought and thought—and thought. I tried not to think. I succeeded and I failed. I sailed a half-dozen well-hit 2 irons into deep nowhere and felt nothing.

Mea culpa, I said to myself. What went wrong? What really happened? What will happen next? Will the department back me up? Will I go back to patrol in Watts, humbled, singled out as a maverick destined to go nowhere? Logical fallacies. Post hoc, ergo propter hoc: after this, therefore because of this. Circumstantial evidence. A guilty man. Guilty not of murder, but of guilt. Poor queer Eddie. Gallant queer Clark Winton. Mea maxima culpa. Forgive me, father, for I have sinned. What father? Eddie Engels? Dudley Smith? Thad Green? Chief Parker? God? There is no God but the wonder. I tried to harden my heart against Lorna, and failed. Lorna, Lorna, Lorna.