Classified As Murder

“Mary Anna Milligan, I’d like to know who gave you the right to call anybody a filthy animal. Do the words edible panties ring any bells with you?”

The transformation of Mrs. Milligan was astonishing. Her face outshone her hair in redness, and I swear her beehive deflated at least an inch. Her mouth flopped open but not a sound came out.

“I’ll thank you to remember that this is my place of business, and I’d sooner have that dog and cat in here than some people I could name.” Helen Louise had the light of battle in her eye, and it would have taken a troop of Amazons at this point to make her back down.

Mary Anna Milligan was apparently not tough enough. She muttered something as she whirled away and practically ran out of the bakery. Several other customers who had evidently overheard the whole exchange laughed, and one woman clapped and called out, “That’s telling her, honey.”

Sean had dropped back into his chair, and from his expression I could tell he was as taken aback by the whole scene as I was. I checked under the table, and Diesel and Dante didn’t seem to have paid much attention to the human fracas. Diesel was cleaning a paw, and Dante was gnawing on his leash.

Helen Louise, grinning broadly, sat down across from me.

“Who the heck was that?” Sean almost sputtered the words, because he was laughing now. “You really gave her what for.”

“You certainly did.” I laughed. “Remind me never to annoy you, my friend.”

Helen Louise grinned impishly. “You’d do well to remember this.” She sipped at her coffee.

Sean leaned closer to Helen Louise and spoke in an undertone. “So what’s the story with the edible panties?”

I confess I was rather curious myself.

Helen Louise arched an eyebrow as she regarded us. “Well, it’s like this. Mary Anna Milligan is about as self-righteous a pillar of the community as you can find, always telling the rest of the world how to run their lives and be as upstanding and fine as she and her husband are.” She paused, deliberately, I’m sure, knowing how interested we were in this titillating bit of gossip.

“One of my girlfriends has a brother who likes to visit what you might call businesses with a very unusual kind of stock in Memphis. Understand what I’m talking about?” Helen Louise smiled.

Sean and I exchanged glances and quickly looked away. I was sure we both knew what Helen Louise was talking about.

She continued, “Well, my friend’s brother was in one of those stores about four months ago, looking around, and lo and behold, who should come in but Mary Anna and her fine upstanding husband, Raymond. And guess what they were looking for?” She had another sip of coffee.

“And I suppose you were just waiting for the appropriate moment to mention that little bit of knowledge to Mrs. Milligan?” I tried to keep the amusement out of my voice. Helen Louise never could resist taking the mickey out of someone like Mrs. Milligan.

“Of course.” Helen Louise’s expression was smug. “I knew sooner or later she’d annoy me enough that I’d come out with it. She’ll never show her face in here again, and that’s fine with me.” She nodded in the direction of Sean’s half-empty plate.

“What do you think?” she asked as both Sean and I resumed eating.

“Magnifique.” Sean enunciated carefully between mouthfuls of quiche.

Helen Louise beamed at him. She already knew I loved her food. She waited until I finished about half my quiche before continuing.

“It’s quiet enough for the moment, and Debbie can handle things. So talk, Charlie. What have you been up to lately? I was afraid I wasn’t going to see you today, and that would about have ruined my Saturday.”

I felt a little self-conscious with Helen Louise carrying on like this in front of Sean. She and I had known each other since high school, and she had always been a flirt. The thing was, lately I was starting to believe she meant it where I was concerned. She was a very attractive woman, and I was sometimes tempted to find out if she really was interested in me. I simply wasn’t sure I was ready to date again.

“Sean here popped up for a visit,” I said, “and I’m delighted to see him, of course. Other than that, it’s pretty much been work as usual.”

“Charlie’s talked a lot about you,” Helen Louise said to Sean. “I know how proud he is of you.”

Sean looked uncomfortable and didn’t respond.

I spoke to cover the strained pause. “I had a meeting with James Delacorte this morning. Which was a surprise, since I only know him through his visits to the library. Do you know him?”

Helen Louise shrugged. “Not much better than you, probably. He comes in here once a week, regular as clockwork, and orders the same thing. A dozen of my cinnamon rolls, two dozen croissants, and my special gâteau au chocolat.”

“Sounds like a man with a definite sweet tooth,” I commented. “But I can’t say I blame him. Your pastries and cakes are out of this world.”