Come to Me Quietly

I gathered up his notes and tucked them back into their keepsake box. Then I put the box next to my sketch pads because, like them, they’d become my treasure. And I finally fell into the fitful rest that I had called sleep since he left.

The next morning, I headed to the café at six for the breakfast shift. It’d been hard getting out of bed, the weakness I’d felt last night only following me into today. It was crazy because I would think it would get easier, but it only grew harder every day.

I have to be strong, I reminded myself as I wrapped my apron snuggly around my waist, tying the long straps off in the front. I set to work. It was Saturday, and the place was packed, the hours seemingly longer than my shift was supposed to last. I felt frazzled, completely frayed at the edges as I rushed around the restaurant floor, struggling to keep up with the demand while my body was bending with the strain. Flashes of blond kept infiltrating my mind, flickers of his face, my skin tingling with the vestiges of his touch.

I dropped my head as I refilled a cup of coffee in the kitchen. How could I go on like this? His absence cut me so deeply that it physically hurt. This sorrow rattled me all the way to my bones.

Clara eased up behind me, squeezing my shoulder as she contemplated me with blatant worry. “How are you doing, sweetie?”

The first time she saw me after Jared had left, she’d clued in immediately. She said there was no mistaking heartbreak like the one I wore like a visible badge. There was no hiding it. Funny how she’d warned me that she’d been there before and she didn’t want to see me go through the same. But the same was exactly where I ended up.

I bit at my bottom lip, my eyebrows drawing together as I forced myself to nod. “It’s been a rough day, but I think I’m okay.”

I wasn’t. Not at all. But I had to believe one day I would be.

“You know you can just ask if you need something. Someone to talk to or whatever you need.”

Meaningfully, I smiled at her. “Yeah, I do. Thank you, Clara.”

“Hey, us girls have to stick together, right?”

The rest of my Saturday shift dragged. I couldn’t wait for the day to be over.

Finally, after three, Karina told me I could cut out.

I plodded out to my car and slumped into the driver’s seat. I just sat there, staring at the blank wall of the restaurant my car faced, my sight blurry with the tears that I was constantly fighting, as if they’d just become a permanent part of me. I felt so worn, so frail, like I would crack from the smallest blow. Above all of that, I felt alone. I knew it’d never been Jared’s intention, but this huge piece of me felt abandoned. It throbbed and ached, begging to be filled.

Wiping my eyes, I started my car and pulled out onto the street. Instead of heading toward home, I turned toward my parents’ house because I couldn’t stand the thought of being by myself in the desolate apartment, wasn’t ready to fully give myself over to the memories of Jared inhabiting that place.

I parked in their driveway and climbed from the car. The neighborhood was quiet and the air was warm, although the scorching summer had finally passed. Swallowing deeply, I pushed myself forward, wondering if stepping through my parents’ door would be the final blow, because I didn’t know how to go on like this anymore.

I was splintering.

Breaking.

Now it was just a matter of holding the pieces together.

I knocked once and pushed the door open. “Mom?” I called as I poked my head inside.

“Aly?” She wasn’t surprised this time. She sounded almost relieved.

I edged in just as Mom rounded the corner, coming to meet me. She took one look at my face and hers fell. “Oh, Aly.” She quickened as she approached, never hesitating to pull me into her arms. “Come here, sweetheart.”

Her warmth rushed over me, and I buried my face in her neck, could do nothing but let myself go. My pain bubbled up and escaped as these racking sobs, loud and uncontainable. Part of me had an uncontrollable instinct to hide this from her, because I’d hidden him for so long, but I couldn’t hold it in any longer.

“Shh… ,” she murmured, running her hand through my hair as she slowly rocked me. “Shh.”

Her comfort only made me cry harder. “Mom.” In her name was the torment I felt, a plea for her to somehow tell me that this would all be okay. And she knew none of it, had no idea what I was really going through. But I needed her.

“Why don’t we go in the family room and sit down and talk?” she offered.

I nodded and she shifted her hold to my waist, supporting me as she led us to the couch. She lowered us to sitting, refusing to let me go. She tucked me close and I curled into her side. She held on to me like she’d done when I was a little girl. For a long while she rocked me and let me weep into her shirt as she emitted these soft whispers of encouragement, promising me it would be okay. I just didn’t know how it could ever be. I was so scared. So scared of doing this alone.

“Is this about Gabe?” she finally asked.