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“Yeah, Rufus isn’t exactly the world’s greatest hero,” said Ted as he called his dog to him and Rufus now reluctantly appeared. He sniffed Vesta’s hand, then in turn sniffed Father Reilly, Wilbur and Scarlett, before sinking down onto his haunches, his tail happily wagging and giving an excited bark. The watch had been vetted and approved.

“What a waste of time,” said Vesta once they were back inside the vehicle and cruising those Hampton Cove mean streets once more. “That’s what I mean about getting ourselves some designated wheels for the watch. Then when people see us coming they’ll know it’s us and wouldn’t feel theneed to go and hide in the bushes.”

“And who’s going to pay for this designated set of wheels?” asked Scarlett.

“Not me,” said Wilbur. As a Main Street shopkeeper he was being solicited for all kinds of projects all the time, and he’d long ago learned always to say no, lest his meager profit margins were eroded even more.

“And not me, either,” said Father Reilly when all eyes turned to him. “Contrary to what you might think being a local church leader isn’t the road to riches.”

“Yeah, and my pension doesn’t stretch that far either,” said Scarlett.

“I thought you were going to ask your son for one of his squad cars?” said Wilbur.

“I asked and he said no,” said Vesta. “Says cop cars are for cops only. Silly rule.”

They were silent for a moment, as the Peugeot’s ancient engine cozily prattled on.

“Oh, I’ve got an idea!” Vesta suddenly exclaimed as she slapped the steering wheel.

“Uh-oh,” said Scarlett, earning herself a nasty glance from her friend.

“Why don’t we ask my son’s new girlfriend?”

“Charlene? And why would the Mayor buy us a new car?”

“Because we’re doing her a big favor, that’s why. We’re keeping her streets safe.”

“Local government nowadays doesn’t have any money to spare, I’m afraid,” said Father Reilly with a sad shake of the head. “I asked the Mayor for money for a new church roof and she turned me down. Said I should ask my parishioners to chip in.”

“That’s it!” Vesta cried. “We’ll start one of ‘em online collections! Gofungus!”

“I think it’s called Gofundus,” said the priest with an indulgent smile.

“Go FundMe,” Wilbur corrected him. “We did one last year for my mom’s new hip. We got enough for three hips, so my sister used the money for a new boob job instead.”

“Do you really think people are going to give money for a new car for the watch?” asked Scarlett dubiously.

“Of course! Who doesn’t like to live in a safe neighborhood? I’ll get on it tomorrow morning first thing. And if we’re not driving around in a fancy big Escalade this time next week I’ll eat my hat.”

“You don’t have a hat,” Wilbur pointed out.

“Then I’ll eat your hat! Or Father Reilly’s!”

“You can eat my hat,” said Scarlett. “I was thinking of buying myself a new one anyway.”

“Wise-ass,” said Vesta with a grin, and suddenly the mood in the car was uplifted to such a degree that for the rest of their patrol, a pleasant atmosphere reigned, and Father Reilly didn’t even bring up the delicate and intricate art of sermon-writing again.

Chapter 19

“Look, I don’t want him here, all right?”

“But, honey!”

“No, you listen to me. How do you even know he’s yours?”

A smile appeared on Marge’s husband’s face. “I just know he is. Besides, he looks exactly like me, doesn’t he? He’s my spitting image.”

“No, he doesn’t. He looks nothing like you.”

They were in their bedroom, conducting a whispered conversation, which was outrageous enough if you thought about it: there they were, in their own house, having to whisper because suddenly Tex had gotten it into his nut to invite a complete stranger into their home—a complete stranger who claimed, without evidence, that he was his son!

“I didn’t even know you dated Jaqlyn Checkers. You never told me!”

“I’ve been trying to remember. Before Dudley showed up I hadn’t thought about Jaqlyn for over thirty years. I even had to look up her picture. And as far as I can remember we never really dated. We went out a couple of times, before she dumped me for Timothy Gass, who had really nice hair back in the day. And of course he had a car.”

“But you do remember getting her pregnant,” Marge said acerbically.

“No! I didn’t think we ever got… that far.” He blushed a little as he said it. “And she definitely never said anything about being pregnant. Though I seem to remember now that she dropped out of school the last semester of high school. The story back then was that her dad had gotten a post as ambassador to Italy. I hadn’t even been aware he was a diplomat. Then again, I guess anyone can be an ambassador if they know the right people.”

“She never told you about the baby?”

Tex shook his head. On his lap were their old photo albums, which he’d taken into his son’s room so he could show him a little more about the family he’d suddenly found himself to be a member of.

“I find it very hard to believe you made this girl pregnant and you can’t even remember, Tex. You weren’t exactly the school Adonis back in the day.”