Daddy Long Stroke

For some reason, thinkin’ back on that shit, now, is funny as hell to me. Moms spoiled the hell outta me, mostly to keep my mouth shut. But, Pops pulled the same shit when he took me off wit’ him while he went to get his top spun. E’ery Saturday, he broke his neck to get to the barbershop, and when we were done gettin’ our cuts, Pops would make a pit stop over to some chick’s spot to get his dick wet. And he’d leave me sittin’ out in the livin’ room watchin’ TV or some shit while he did his thing. Then he’d buy me the latest video game for my Nintendo Entertainment system, like the Super Mario Brothers 2 joint that had just come out. Yo, that was my shit back in the day, word up. Mario and Luigi were my niggas. Thinkin’ back the shit has me crackin’ the fuck up.

But on the real, growin’ up and bein’ the only child ’n shit, I stayed laced wit’ all the hot shit—Atari 2600, Sega Genesis, Game Boy, you name it…I had it. And my good fortune was always at the expense of Moms’ and Pops’ lyin’ ’n cheatin’. And I bet they were both fucked up wit’ guilt ’n shit, too.

I remember sumthin’ Pops once said to me when I was like eleven: “They’re all a bunch of conniving, scheming-ass bitches. So, make sure you ram your dick in their asses first, before one of ’em tries to ram you in yours. Men aren’t meant to be chained at the hip to one woman. Men need variety. It’s in our nature to fuck. Bitches! They ain’t good for nothin’ ’cept suckin’ dick and fuckin’, any damn way. So make sure you get as much pussy as you can. You hear me, boy?”

Mouth open, eyes wide in shock, I nodded. “Yes.”

The whole time he was talkin’ to me he was slurrin’ his words ’n shit ’cause his ass was lit the fuck up. I watched him unscrew the cap offa his bottle of E & J whiskey as he kept babblin’ on ’bout bitches and how fucked up they were. He downed his drink, poured himself another round, then put his glass up to his lips and tossed his head back, gulpin’ down the dark elixir. Then he poured another. He stared at his glass, then at me; his large hand clutchin’ his drink as if his life depended on it. And in some way, I guess it did.

As soon as we heard jinglin’ of keys at the backdoor that lead into the kitchen, we both waited and watched as the door opened. On some real shit, Moms was a real looker back then—shapely, smooth cocoa-brown-skinned, big doe-like eyes, and deep dimples. And Pops was a real jealous-type cat; probably ’cause his ass was out doin’ him. The minute she stepped through the door, Pops started his shit. I held my breath.

“Where the hell you been?”

She set her pocketbook on the counter, then removed her coat. “Out,” she calmly replied, not looking at him. She glanced over at me. “Alex, go to your room.”

“No, you sit right there,” Pops warned, pointin’ at me. I stayed put, didn’t blink a muthafuckin’ eye. Moms shot me this evil-ass look, but I wasn’t beat to have my ass beat by Pops. I lowered my eyes. “He needs to see firsthand what a bitch is.”

She blinked, blinked again. Her nose flared, but she kept her composure. On some real shit, I don’t know how she was able to keep it together after bein’ referred to as a bitch in front of me, but she did. “Well, since I’m such a bitch,” she said, walkin’ over to where we were sittin’. “Then this is from the bitch across town you’ve got sucking your gotdamn dick”—she slapped his face— “And this is from the bitch around the corner you’ve been fucking…” She slapped him again.

Pops jumped up from the table, almost losing his balance while grabbing her arm. “Woman, you’re fuckin’ crazy. Ain’t nobody cheatin’ on you. Now, where the fuck you been?”

She yanked her arm from his grip, pushin’ him backward. He tumbled over the chair, fallin’ to the floor. “You’re full of shit!” Moms snapped, snatchin’ his drink from off the table and tossin’ it in his face. “And this is from me. The bitch you keep lying to and fucking over.” She looked over at me, before stormin’ outta the room, and said, “Learn to keep your dick in your pants, or you’re going to end up being just like your cheating, lying-ass father.”

The ironic thing is her ass was doin’ the same thing. So, go figure. And this is probably why a nigga like me ain’t beat for fallin’ for a broad. Muthafuckin’ bitches cheat just as much as niggas. They just slick ’nough to not get caught. I take another deep pull of my blunt, then blow out a cloud of confused smoke, before puttin’ the shit out. I glance back up at the house, shakin’ my head. It’s not ’til I peep the light flick on in Moms’ bedroom, that it hits me. “Oh, shit,” I snap. “These two are fuckin’.”