Dark Benediction

She shook her head, pulled her arm free, hurried away. He watched her go and went sick inside. Their frigid meeting earlier in the day had been the decisive moment, when in a surge of bitterness he’d determined to go through with it and even excuse himself for doing it. Maybe bitterness had fogged his eyesight, he thought. Her reaction to bumping into him that way hadn’t been snobbery; it had been horror. An old ghost in dirty coveralls_. and motley, whose face she’d probably fought to forget, had sprung up to confront her in a place that was too full of memories anyhow. No wonder she seemed cold. Probably he symbolized some of her own self-accusations, for he knew he had affected others that way. The successful ones, the ones who had profited by autodrama—they often saw him with mop and bucket, and if they remembered Ryan Thornier, turned quickly away. And at each turning away, he had felt a small glow of satisfaction as he imagined them thinking: Thornier wouldn’t compromise—and hating him, because they had compromised and lost something thereby. But being hated by Mela was different somehow. He didn’t want it.

Someone nudged his ribs. “Your cue, Thorny!” hissed a tense voice. “You’re on!”

He came awake with a grunt. Feria was shoving him frantically toward his entrance. He made a quick grab for his presence of mind, straightened into character, and strode on.

He muffed the scene badly. He knew that he muffed it even before he made his exit and saw their faces. He had missed two cues and needed prompting several times from Rick in the booth. His acting was wooden—he felt it.

“You’re doing fine, Thorny, just fine!” Jade told him, because there was nothing else she dared tell him during a performance. Shock an actor’s ego during rehearsal, and he had time to recover; shock it during a performance, and he might go sour for the night. He knew, though, without being told, the worry that seethed behind her mechanical little smile. “But just calm down a little, eh?” she advised. “It’s going fine.”

She left him to seethe in solitude. He leaned against the wall and glowered at his feet and flagellated himself. You failure, you miserable crumb, you janitor-at-heart, you stage-struck charwoman—

He had to straighten out. If he ruined this one, there’d never be another chance. But he kept thinking of Mela, and how he had wanted to hurt her, and how now that she was being hurt he wanted to stop.

“Your cue, Thorny—wake up!”

And he was on again, stumbling over lines, being terrified of the sea of dim faces where a fourth wall should be.

She was waiting for him after his second exit. He came off pale and shaking, perspiration soaking his collar. He leaned back and lit a cigarette and looked at her bleakly. She couldn’t talk. She took his arm in both hands and kneaded it while she rested her forehead against his shoulder. He gazed down at her in dismay. She’d stopped feeling hurt; she couldn’t feel hurt when she watched him make a fool of himself out there. She might have been vengefully delighted by it, and he almost wished that she were. Instead, she was pitying him. He was numb, sick to the core. He couldn’t go on with it.

“Mela, I’d better tell you; I can’t tell Jade what I—”

“Don’t talk, Thorny. Just do your best.” She peered up at him. “Please do your best?”

It startled him. Why should she feel that way?

“Wouldn’t you really rather see me flop?” he asked.

She shook her head quickly, then paused and nodded it. “Part of me would, Thorny. A vengeful part. I’ve got to believe in the automatic stage. I… I do believe in it. But I don’t want you to flop, not really.” She put her hands over her eyes briefly. “You don’t know what it’s like seeing you out there… in the middle of all that… that—” She shook herself slightly. “It’s a mockery, Thorny, you don’t belong out there, but—as long as you’re there, don’t muff it. Do your best?”

“Yeah, sure.”

“It’s a precarious thing. The effect, I mean. If the audience starts realizing you’re not a doll—” She shook her head slowly.

“What if they do?”

“They’ll laugh. They’ll laugh you right off the stage.”

He was prepared for anything but that. It confirmed the nagging hunch he’d had during the run-through.

“Thorny, that’s all I’m really concerned about. I don’t care whether you play it well or play it lousy, as long as they don’t find out what you are. I don’t want them to laugh at you; you’ve been hurt enough.”

“They wouldn’t laugh if I gave a good performance.”

“But they would! Not in the same way, but they would. Don’t you see?”

His mouth fell open. He shook his head. It wasn’t true. “Human actors have done it before,” he protested. “In the sticks, on small stages with undersized Maestros.”

“Have you ever seen such a play?”

He shook his head.