Distress

We'd been friends since university, but I hadn't met his sister until Louise was born. Gina had been visiting mother and daughter in hospital; I'd fallen for her in the elevator, before I had any idea who she was.

Seated, Angelo said cautiously, "I think she just wants to know how you are."

"I sent her ten messages in ten days. She knows exactly how I am."

"She said you stopped suddenly."

"Suddenly? Ten acts of ritual humiliation is all she gets, without a reply." I hadn't meant to sound bitter, but Angelo was already beginning to look like a peace envoy stranded on a battlefield. I laughed. "Tell her whatever she wants to hear. Tell her I'm devastated… but recovering rapidly. I don't want her to feel insulted… but I don't want her to feel guilty, either."

He smiled uncertainly, as if I'd made a tasteless joke. "She's taking it badly."

I clenched my fists and said slowly, "I know that, and so am I, but don't you think she'd feel better if you told her…" I stopped. "What did she say you should tell me if I asked if there was any chance of her coming back?"

"She said to say no."

"Of course. But… did she mean it? What did she tell you to say if I asked if she meant it?"

"Andrew—"

"Forget it."

A long, awkward silence descended. I considered asking where she was, who she was with, but I knew he wouldn't tell me. And I didn't really want to know.

I said, "I'm meant to be flying out to Stateless tomorrow."

"Yeah, I heard. Good luck."

"There is another journalist who'd be willing to take over the project. I'd only have to make one call—"

He shook his head. "There's no reason to do that. It wouldn't change anything."

The silence returned. After a while, Angelo reached into a jacket pocket and pulled out a small plastic vial of tablets. He said, "I've got some Ds."

I groaned. "You never used to take that shit."

He glanced up at me, wounded. "They're harmless. I like to switch off sometimes. What's wrong with that?"

"Nothing."

Disinhibitors were non-toxic and non-addictive. They created a mild sensation of well-being, and increased the effort required for considered thought—rather like a moderate dose of alcohol or cannabis, with few of the side effects. Their concentration in the bloodstream was self-limiting—above a certain level, the molecule catalyzed its own destruction—so taking a whole bottle was exactly the same as swallowing a single D.

Angelo offered me the vial. I took out a tablet reluctantly, and held it in my palm.

Alcohol had almost vanished from polite society by the time I was ten years old, but its use as a "social lubricant" always seemed to be lauded in retrospect as unequivocally beneficial, and only the violence and organic damage it induced were viewed as pathological. To me, though, the magic bullet which had taken its place seemed like a distillation of the real problem. Cirrhosis, brain damage, assorted cancers, and the worst traffic accidents and crimes of stupefaction had been mercifully banished… but I still wasn't prepared to concede that human beings were physically incapable of communicating or relaxing without the aid of psychoactive drugs.

Angelo swallowed a tablet and said admonishingly, "Come on, it's not going to kill you. Every known human culture has used some kind of—"

I mimed putting the thing in my mouth, but palmed it. Screw every known human culture. I felt a momentary pang of guilt at the deception, but I didn't have the energy for an argument. Besides, my dishonesty was well intentioned. I could imagine more or less what Gina had told her brother: Get him D'd, it's the only way he'll start talking. She'd sent Angelo here in the hope that I'd unburden myself, spill my guts, and be healed. It was a touching gesture—on the part of both of them—and the least I could do in return was reduce the number of lies he'd have to tell her to make her believe she'd done some good.

Angelo's eyes glazed over slightly, as the chemical shut down various pathways in his brain. It occurred to me that James Rourke should have added a third disputed H-word to his list: honesty. Freud had saddled Western culture with the bizarre notion that the least considered utterances were always, magically, the truest—that reflection added nothing, and the ego merely censored or lied. It was an idea born more of convenience than anything else: he'd identified the part of the mind easiest to circumvent—with tricks like free association—and then declared the product of all that remained to be "honest."

But now that my words were chemically sanctified, and would at last be taken seriously, I got straight to the point. "Look: tell Gina I'm going to be okay. I'm sorry I hurt her. I know I was selfish. I'm going to try to change. I still care about her… but I know it's over." I hunted for more, but there really was nothing else she needed to know.