Do You Dream of Terra-Two?

‘You really think that?’ Jesse asked.

‘You don’t?’

‘What about all this?’ He looked around at the garden. ‘How will we fix this?’

‘It will take a while but… we’ll find a way,’ Juno said, although the words rang hollow in her ears.

‘I thought I was going to die out there,’ Jesse said.

‘But you didn’t. Apparently your flying was amazing, that’s what Harry says.’

‘Yeah. I don’t know how I did it. At first I thought it was all that practising that I did on the simulator, but just now I realized what happened to me: I’m not frightened anymore. It happened when Harry pushed me into the airlock.’

‘It took Harry’s stupid prank to teach you that?’ Juno said.

‘Yes, because when I stepped out of it, all I felt was grateful for every damned thing that’s ever happened to me. I’ve seen an orbital sunrise, I’ve seen the curvature of the Earth, I’ve been close enough to touch Jupiter’s moons, I’ve lived for months in this garden in the stars… and I realized that if I only get to live one life, then I’m glad it’s been this one.’

When Juno opened her mouth the sobs came out. ‘Jesse,’ she said, ‘I’m afraid.’

He took her into his arms then and it was a good feeling, his beating heart, the smell of him.

‘You know,’ said Jesse, ‘I don’t think I’ve ever seen you cry.’

‘I try not to,’ Juno said. Her eyes were still hot with tears, falling fast. She didn’t wipe them away.

He looked gentle in the dim light. His pupils flamed amber, and his lashes cast long shadows on his cheeks. ‘What would you do?’ she asked. ‘If you could go back?’

Jesse thought for a moment. ‘Say goodbye to my sister, Morrigan. The last night I talked to her she was trying to comfort me, about the launch and… I wasn’t in a great place then… I don’t think I ever properly said goodbye to her. I just ran out of the house. I think about her all the time, still sitting cross-legged in her pyjamas, where she was when I left her almost a year ago.’

Juno had never seen Jesse’s sister but she liked to imagine she had the same sharp features, the same full lips and easy smile, only she was bald and beautiful. Juno had heard that since the launch she’d dropped out of university to run a vegan crêperie in Camden. Maybe when people asked she told them, ‘I used to have a brother, but he went to space.’

‘I don’t know if you remember,’ said Juno, ‘but after your fight with Harry, when I met you in the games room and helped you with your wounds… you said—’

‘That I loved you.’ Juno felt her stomach leap, just hearing the words again.

‘That was the first time,’ she said.

‘Yeah…’ His voice was thoughtful. ‘I guess it must have been.’

‘Why?’ she asked, and then, annoyed by how pathetic that sounded, ‘I mean, why do you love me?’

‘I can’t give you reasons. What do you want, a list?’

‘Maybe.’

‘I can’t do that, Juno. I can’t tell you if you deserve it. Just like no one can tell me if I deserved to make it here or why Ara died. Or why an accident means that the lives of the crew on Orlando were snuffed out in an instant but our hearts are still beating. Do we deserve any of it? To live? To be loved? It’s a gift, Juno. Don’t you see that? You don’t earn it or lose it.’

‘Can I tell you a secret?’ Juno asked.

‘Okay.’

‘I don’t deserve to be here either,’ she said. ‘I’ve been thinking recently about whether or not I was ever even supposed to go to Terra-Two. It’s Astrid who’s always wanted to. It’s Astrid who’s dreamt about it. I did well in the tests but she scored more highly in the interviews and the personality quizzes when we were back in Dalton. I realized, one night, that it was very possible that one of us could make it into the Beta while the other one… was left behind. So we made a pact. We cheated.’

‘What?’ said Jesse. ‘How?’

‘Well, Astrid took my personality tests, and she went to the interviews with my name badge on. I did all the academics, the engineering, computing and astrophysics. We did that for a whole year.’ Jesse exhaled as if the wind had been knocked from him.

‘I wish you’d told me that earlier,’ he said.

‘Why?’

‘Because I’ve spent almost a year here, feeling guilty. Feeling as if I have stolen my seat on this shuttle from a dead girl.’

‘I couldn’t,’ said Juno. ‘I guess I was ashamed. I think that’s why I worked so hard on the Damocles Document and on being a good member of the crew. Maybe I thought I could carve out a purpose for myself, and really earn it. Deserve it.’

‘Well,’ said Jesse, ‘I guess everyone makes mistakes.’

‘But that’s the other thing,’ said Juno. ‘It wasn’t really a mistake. I’m glad I’m here. With you.’

There was a laid-back joy that came with letting go of her secret. It had been easy. Easy like letting her feet go limp on the pedals of her bike, speeding down a hill just to feel how good it was, her heart in her throat, the wind in her ears.