Do You Dream of Terra-Two?

Jesse tried to remember the last time he’d been in the kitchen, what time of day it was. ‘I had breakfast.’

‘That was twelve hours ago.’

‘I—’

‘You have to eat.’ She touched the back of his hand with her mitten. ‘Keep up your strength. I thought I’d try one last round in the chamber. Another dose of Dexamethasone. See if we see any improvements.’ The word ‘last’ made Jesse’s throat tighten. ‘I’ll keep her company. Go.’

Jesse stood with some difficulty. He was beginning to feel the weakness in his own body, pain in his head, a listing dizziness whenever he stood. Nightmares about drowning.

‘I’ll be back in a minute.’

‘Take your time.’ It sounded more like a plea.

Jesse squinted in the half-light of the corridor. Looked at the time on his watch and realized he’d already missed dinner.

Poppy was sitting at the breakfast counter when he entered, eating from a greasy bag of microwave popcorn. ‘Guess what I found,’ she said when Jesse entered, ‘I forgot I packed these. It was Harry’s idea: most junk food, least space. Oh, were you crying?’

Jesse felt the blood rising in his cheeks. ‘No,’ he said, ‘just sleeping.’

‘How is she doing?’ Poppy asked.

‘Bad…’ He strained for a moment to catch his breath. ‘Is there something to eat?’

Poppy looked around the room and shrugged. ‘More mac broth – or else something from a tin. Nothing fresh left, obviously, since the garden died. The food in the water-based cans has frozen.’

Jesse sank down in one of the chairs, realizing that his whole body ached and that at any moment his constricted breathing might turn into sobs.

‘You can have some popcorn for dinner. What do you prefer: sweet or salty or both?’

‘I’m actually not so hungry.’ Loss of appetite – another symptom.

‘Jesse?’ He turned to find Poppy’s eyes wide and concerned. ‘You’re being super brave, you know that?’

‘I’m not the brave one,’ he said, thinking of how terrified he’d felt the previous night when Juno had woken up screaming, convinced that all the air had leaked out of the room.

‘Oh, jeez!’ Poppy swore under her breath. ‘That was a stupid thing to say. I’m so stupid sometimes.’

‘Don’t say that,’ Jesse said.

Poppy slid off the high chair behind the breakfast bar, rummaged through the cupboard and brought out a thin packet of something. ‘I’ve been thinking about that, actually.’

‘What?’

She walked over to the microwave and switched it on. ‘I was thinking about the Beta.’

‘Oh, yeah?’

‘Don’t you ever wonder about all this sometimes? Wonder why they chose us?’

‘Because you guys were the best,’ Jesse said automatically. His teeth were chattering.

‘What does that mean?’

‘You know, they tested us for years. We’re smart, physically fit. We’re of reproductive age—’

‘Yes, yes. I’m not talking about any of that. Sometimes I think it was just some kind of sick test. All those fit-checks, the psych team on the ground. Doesn’t it feel sometimes like instead of us experimenting on Terra, they’re experimenting on us?’

Like the others, Poppy had lost weight, her cheekbones now sharply defined, and there were new hollows under her eyes. Her body was heavy with layers – working boots, a scarf, silver puffa jacket – but even so, as she stood, she kept stamping her feet to keep the blood circulating in her toes. Motes of frost stuck to strands of hair at the end of her ponytail, like sugar crystals.

‘I just think,’ she continued, ‘we’re all so… There’s so much wrong with us.’

‘I don’t think so,’ Jesse said. ‘It’s not us, it’s this situation. There’s nothing normal about this situation, about watching Orlando go up in flames and then half our own ship too. Watching Solomon die and then… and Ara… and…’ He stopped, bit his lip.

Poppy ran her fingers through her long hair again. She was beginning to lose some of it; stray copper tresses caught between her fingers and pulled away from her scalp. ‘I remembered Christina Abellard.’ For a second the name drew a blank, and then Jesse recalled the tall olive-skinned girl who was on the debating team. ‘And how when they started selections for the Beta we all knew she would make it.’

‘Yeah…’ he said, the memory coming back to him. ‘Because she was amazing at everything.’

‘She came top in all the tests. Eliot was the only one who beat her in astrophysics and mech. eng., and barely. Plus she was awesome at sports too.’

‘Yeah, but there were loads of people like that. Dalton was that kind of school.’

‘I know, but—’ Poppy swore, spun around and stabbed the button on the microwave. The air was filled with the tang of burnt food and Jesse noticed the round black patch of scorched paper when she pulled the packet out, sucking on burnt fingers and hissing.

‘You see,’ she said, flinging the steaming bag of popcorn onto the counter, ‘I’m useless.’

‘Don’t say that.’ It was so cold that the steam plumed out of it in a kind of spectacular cloud.

‘How did someone like me make it into the Beta, and not Christina?’