efe24af1849d5822a0fb0e585c983840

“Tex Poole is your brother-in-law, is he not?”

“Yeah, he is. So what?”

“So he hacked my company’s computer system last night, and installed what is commonly termed ransomware on the entire system, and now he’s asking for one million dollars in bitcoin or else he’ll keep my company hostage!”

Uncle Alec and Chase shared a look of concern, then the Chief turned back to the red-faced man. He had one of those square heads you don’t see very often, and his neck wouldn’t have looked out of place on an old turtle, but otherwise he wasn’t as old as all that. I would have pegged him in his early fifties or late forties. He also had a large belly, one that stuck out from the vest of his dark blue suit.

“Who are you?” asked Chase.

“My name is Fred Kramer, and I run Kramer Kitchen Kreation,” said the man.

“Fred Kramer as in the Kitchen King?”

“One and the same. And as I just explained to you, I want to press charges against Tex Poole. I want you to make him release my system. I can’t do anything right now. Payroll, inventory, my list of customers, orders, invoicing, everything is blocked. I can’t do a damn thing! And if he really thinks I’m going to pay him a million bucks he’s nuts!”

“Okay, all right,” said Chase, holding up his hands. “And how do you know that Tex Poole is the one behind all this?”

“Because I’ve had my IT guy working on this since five o’clock this morning when we discovered the breakin, and he says the IP address connected with the attack is Tex Poole’s. And since I just happen to know a couple of people in this town, and I asked around, they all said he’s your brother-in-law!”

Uncle Alec nodded.“Look, Tex Poole is a doctor, all right? And he knows just about as much about computers as I do, which is to say zilch. So it’s impossible that he would be involved in something like this… ransomware attack you’ve got going on.”

“I’m just telling you what my IT guy told me: the IP address connected with the attack is registered to Tex Poole. And that’s all I need to know to file charges against the man, and to demand that you arrest him and force him to release my computer systems. And if you don’t want to take himdown because he’s family, I’m going to the Mayor and I’m going to demand that she takes action. And if the Mayor won’t do anything, because she’s your girlfriend—oh, yes, I know about that, too—I’m going to the FBI!”

“Okay, let’s just calm down for a moment,” said Uncle Alec, “and think this thing through. Look, I know for a fact that Tex has got nothing to do with this, because, as I just said, the man is a computer illiterate.”

“Says you!” Mr. Kramer shook his head. “The gall of the man. And to think he was in my shop yesterday, picking out a new kitchen, along with his wife and his mother.”

“His mother?” asked the Chief, looking up.

Mr. Kramer nodded.“Yeah, some white-haired little old lady in a blue tracksuit. She was the one calling the shots.” Just then, his phone chimed, and he picked it out of his pocket. “Steve, yeah, shoot!” He listened for a moment, then frowned and said, “You did? But that’s great! Yeah, I’ll be there in ten minutes.” He disconnected, still frowning, and said, “Looks like my IT guy has managed to break through the malware or whatever they planted on my computers. And now he’s saying the attack did not come from Tex Poole.”

“Look, Tex Poole doesn’t know diddly about computers, all right?” said Uncle Alec, not for the first time, “So I can tell you with absolute certainty that whatever happened, the man wasn’t involved.”

The Kitchen King thumped the desk with his fist.“I’m still pressing charges!”

“I thought your IT guy said that Tex didn’t do it?” said Chase.

Fred Kramer frowned again.“Yeah, I don’t get that.” And as swiftly as he’d entered the office, he walked out again, then turned and said, “I’m still pressing charges!” and after that parting shot, he was gone.

Dooley and I jumped down from the windowsill to see what happened next, and where this irate furniture king was going, and as we followed his progress from the building, we saw that he got into a nice black Tesla and took off at a dizzying speed. And just as he drove out of the parking lot outside the precinct, a little red Peugeot came zooming in, also driving very fast, and occupying a much larger swath of road than was necessarily awarded it, based on the road markings.

The upshot, of course, was that the little red Peugeot, coincidentally chauffeured by Grandma Muffin, sliced a nice long strip of black paint off Fred Kramer’s Tesla.

Chapter 16

“You scratched my car!” said the guy. He looked like a turtle, Vesta thought, with his square bald head and his weird neck. He also looked angry. “You’re going to pay for this!”

“Hey, aren’t you that Kitchen King?” asked Scarlett. “Fred Kramer? I love your commercials, Mr. Kramer.” She started to sing, “I’m on a mission—to give everyone a swell new kitchen—you won’t miss a thing—when you buy a kitchen from the king.”