Envoy Extraordinary

"I have three toys for you, Caesar. This is only the first. "

"I entertain you."

"Caesar. Have you ever seen water boiling in a pot?"

"I have."

"There is much steam evolved which escapes into the air. If the pot were closed what would happen?"

"The steam could not escape."

"The pot would burst. The force exerted by steam is titanic."

"Really!" said the Emperor with interest. "Have you ever seen a pot burst?"

Phanocles mastered himself.

"Beyond Syria there is a savage tribe. They inhabit a land full of natural oil and inflammable vapour. When they desire to cook they lead the vapour through pipes into stoves at the sides of their houses. The meat these natives eat is tough and must be cooked for a long time. They put one dish on top of another, inverted. Now the steam builds up a pressure under the pot that penetrates the meat and cooks it thoroughly and quickly."

"Will not the steam burst the pot?"

"There is the ingenuity of the device. If the pressure becomes too great it will. lift the pot and allow the steam to escape. But do you not see? The upper lid is lifted-steam could lift a weight that an elephant would baulk at."

The Emperor was sitting upright, leaning forward, his hands on the arms of his chair.

"And the flavour, Phanocles! It will be confined! The whole wonderful intention of the comestible will be preserved by magic!"

He stood up and began to pace round the loggia.

"We should taste meat for the first time--"

"But-"

"I have always been a primitive where meat is concerned. Elephant's foot and mammoth, your rarities, spices, unguents, they are unworthy and vulgar. My grandson would plead that we should explore all variables and enlarge, as it were, the frontiers of gustatory experience--"

"My ship--"

"-but that is boy's talk. To taste meat in its exquisite simplicity would be a return to those experiences of youth that time had blunted. There should be a wood fire, a healthy tiredness in the limbs, and if possible a sense of peril. Then a robust red wine--"

They faced each other, two mouths open but for different reasons.

"Phanocles, we are on the verge of an immense discovery. What do the natives call their two dishes?"

"A pressure cooker."

"How soon could you make me one? Or perhaps if we simply inverted one dish over another--"

He was tapping one finger into the palm of the other hand, looking sideways at the garden but not seeing it.

"-or fish perhaps? Fowl? I think on the whole that fish would be preferable. One must find a little white wine of sufficient modesty to disclaim any self-pretension and sink itself wholly. Trout? Turbot? And at the same time of sufficient integrity to wait devotedly in attendance--"

He turned back to Phanocles.

"There is a southern vintage from that place in Sicily if I could remember the name--"

"Caesar!"

"You must dine with me now and we will formulate a plan of action. Yes, I dine very late. I find it gives me an appetite."

"But my boat, Caesar!"

"Amphitrite?"

Poised, ready to go, the Emperor waited.

"I could give you anything, Phanocles. What do you want?"

"When the wind falls what happens to a ship?"

Indulgently, the Emperor turned to him.

"She waits for the next one. The master invokes a wind. Sacrifices and so on."

"But if he does not believe in a wind god?"

"Then I suppose he does not get a wind."

"But if the wind fails at a moment of crisis for your warships?"

"The slaves row."

"And when they tire?"

"They are beaten."

"But if they become so tired that beating is useless?"

"Then they are thrown overboard. You have the Socratic method."

Phanocles allowed his hands to drop to his side in a gesture of defeat. The Emperor smiled consolingly at him.

"You are tired and hungry. Have no fear for yourself or your sister. You have become very precious to me and your sister shall be my ward."

"I do not think of her."

The Emperor was puzzled.

"What do, you want then?"

"I have tried to say. I want to build you a warship after the pattern of Amphitrite."

"A warship is a serious undertaking. I cannot treat you as though you were a qualified shipwright when you are only an ex-librarian."

"Then give me a hull-any hull. Give me an old corn-barge if you will, and sufficient money to convert her after this fashion."

"Of course, my dear Phanocles, anything you like. I will give the necessary orders."

"And my other inventions?"

"The pressure cooker?"

"No. The next one. I call it an explosive."

"Something that claps out? How strange! What is the third invention?

"I will keep it in reserve to surprise you."

The Emperor nodded in relief.

"Do so. Make your ship and your clapper-outer. But first-the pressure cooker."