Equal Rites

“Who did that?”

“Sorry, Archchancellor, force of habit.”

“Smoke all you like, that man.”

“Thank you, Archchancellor.”

“I think I can see the outline of the door now,” said another voice.

“Granny?”

“Yes, I can definitely see—”

“Esk?”

“I’m here, Granny.”

“Can I smoke too, sir?”

“Is the boy with you?”

“Yes.”

“Ook.”

“I’m here.”

“What’s happening?”

“Everyone stop talking!”

Ordinary light, slow and easy on the eye, sidled back into the library.

Esk sat up, dislodging the staff. It rolled under the table. She felt something slip over her eyes, and reached up for it.

“Just a moment,” said Granny, darting forward. She gripped the girl’s shoulders and peered into her eyes.

“Welcome back,” she said, and kissed her.

Esk reached up and patted something hard on her head. She lifted it down to examine it.

It was a pointed hat, slightly smaller than Granny’s, but bright blue with a couple of silver stars painted on it.

“A wizard hat?” she said.

Cutangle stepped forward.

“Ah, yes,” he said, and cleared his throat: “You see, we thought—it seemed—anyway, when we considered it—”

“You’re a wizard,” said Granny, simply. “The Archchancellor changed the lore. Quite a simple ceremony, really.”

“There’s the staff somewhere about here,” said Cutangle. “I saw it fall down—oh.”

He stood up with the staff in his hand, and showed it to Granny.

“I thought it had carvings on,” he said. “This looks just like a stick.” And that was a fact. The staff looked as menacing and potent as a piece of kindling.

Esk turned the hat around in her hands, in the manner of one who, opening the proverbial brightly wrapped package, finds bath salts.

“It’s very nice,” she said uncertainly.

“Is that all you can say?” said Granny.

“It’s pointed, too.” Somehow being a wizard didn’t feel any different from not being a wizard.

Simon leaned over.

“Remember,” he said, “you’ve got to have been a wizard. Then you can start looking on the other side. Like you said.”

Their eyes met, and they grinned.

Granny stared at Cutangle. He shrugged.

“Search me,” he said. “What’s happened to your stutter, boy?”

“Seems to have gone, sir,” said Simon brightly. “Must have left it behind, somewhere.”

* * *

The river was still brown and swollen but at least it resembled a river again.

It was unnaturally hot for late autumn, and across the whole of the lower part of Ankh-Morpork the steam rose from thousands of carpets and blankets put out to dry. The streets were filled with silt, which on the whole was an improvement—Ankh-Morpork’s impressive civic collection of dead dogs had been washed out to sea.

The steam also rose from the flagstones of the Archchancellor’s personal verandah, and from the teapot on the table.

Granny lay back in an ancient cane chair and let the unseasonal warmth creep around her ankles. She idly watched a team of city ants, who had lived under the flagstones of the University for so long that the high levels of background magic had permanently altered their genes, anthandling a damp sugar lump down from the bowl on to a tiny trolley. Another group was erecting a matchstick gantry at the edge of the table.

Granny may or may not have been interested to learn that one of the ants was Drum Billet, who had finally decided to give Life another chance.

“They say,” she said, “that if you can find an ant on Hogswatch Day it will be very mild for the rest of the winter.”

“Who says that?” said Cutangle.

“Generally people who are wrong,” said Granny. “I makes a note in my Almanack, see. I checks. Most things most people believe are wrong.”

“Like ‘red sky at night, the city’s alight’,”^{21} said Cutangle. “And you can’t teach an old dog new tricks.”

“I don’t think that’s what old dogs are for,” said Granny. The sugar lump had reached the gantry now, and a couple of ants were attaching it to a microscopic block and tackle.

“I can’t understand half the things Simon says,” said Cutangle, “although some of the students get very excited about it.”

“I understand what Esk says all right, I just don’t believe it,” said Granny. “Except the bit about wizards needing a heart.”

“She said that witches need a head, too,” said Cutangle. “Would you like a scone? A bit damp, I’m afraid.”

“She told me that if magic gives people what they want, then not using magic can give them what they need,” said Granny, her hand hovering over the plate.

“So Simon tells me. I don’t understand it myself, magic’s for using, not storing up. Go on, spoil yourself.”

“Magic beyond magic,” snorted Granny. She took the scone and spread jam on it. After a pause she spread cream on it too.

The sugar lump crashed to the flagstones and was immediately surrounded by another team of ants, ready to harness it to a long line of red ants enslaved from the kitchen garden.

Cutangle shifted uneasily in his seat, which creaked.

“Esmerelda,” he began, “I’ve been meaning to ask—”

“No,” said Granny.