Eric

"He's more the getting-out kind," said Eric.

"Right," said Lavaeolus. He stopped beside a building and walked up and down a bit with his hands in his pockets, tapping on the flagstones with the toe of his sandal.

"Just here, I think, sergeant," he said after a while.

"Right you are, sir."

"Look at that lot, will you?" said Lavaeolus, while the sergeant and his men started to lever up the stones. "That bunch around the table. Brave lads, I'll grant you, but look at them. Too busy posing for triumphant statues and making sure the historians spell their names right. Bloody years we've been laying siege to this place. More military, they said. You know, they actually enjoy it? I mean, when all's said and done, who cares? Let's just get it over with and go home, that's what I say."

"Found it, sir," said the sergeant.

"Right." Lavaeolus didn't look round. "O-kay." He rubbed his hands together. "Let's sort this out, and then we can get an early night. Would you care to accompany me? Your pet might be useful."

"What are we going to do?" said Rincewind suspiciously.

"We're just going to meet some people."

"Is it dangerous?"

A stone smashed through the roof of a building nearby.

"No, not really," said Lavaeolus. "Compared to staying here, I mean. And if the rest to them try to storm the place, you know, in a proper military way - "

The hole led into a tunnel. The tunnel, after winding a bit, led to stairs. Lavaeolus mooched along it, occasionally kicking bits of fallen masonry as if he had a personal grudge against them.

"Er," said Rincewind, "where does this lead?"

"Oh, it's just a secret passageway into the centre of this citadel."

"You know, I thought it would be something like that," said Rincewind. "I've got an instinct for it, you know. And I expect all the really top Tsorteans will be up there, will they?"

"I hope so," said Lavaeolus, trudging up the steps.

"With lots of guards?"

"Dozens, I imagine."

"Highly trained, too?"

Lavaeolus nodded. "The best."

"And this is where we're going," said Rincewind, determined to explore the full horror of the plan as one probes the site of a rotting tooth.

"That's right."

"All six of us."

"And your box, of course."

"Oh, yes," said Rincewind, making a face in the darkness.

The sergeant tapped him gently on the shoulder and leaned forward.

"Don't you worry about the captain, sir" he said. "He's got the finest military brain on the continent."

"How do you know? Has anyone ever seen it?" said Rincewind.

"You see, sir, what it is, he likes to get it over with without anyone getting hurt, sir, especially him. That's why he dreams up things like the horse, sir. And bribing people and that. We got into civvies last night and come in and got drunk in a pub with one of the palace cleaners, see, and found out about this tunnel."

"Yes, but secret passages!" said Rincewind. "There'll be guards and everything at the other end!"

"No, sir. They use it to store the cleaning things, sir."

There was a clang in the darkness ahead of them. Lavaeolus had tripped over a mop.

"Sergeant?"

"Sir?"

"Just open the door, will you?"

Eric was tugging at Rincewind's robe.

"What?" said Rincewind testily.

"You know who Lavaeolus is, don't you?" whispered Eric.

"Well -"

"He's Lavaeolus!"

"Get away?"

"Don't you know the Classics?"

"That isn't one of these horse race we're supposed to remember, is it?"

Eric rolled his eyes. "Lavaeolus was responsible for the fall of Tsort, on account of being so cunning," he said. "And then afterwards it took him ten years to get home and he had all sorts of adventures with temptresses and sirens and sensual witches."

"Well I can see why you've been studying him. Ten years, eh? Where did he live?"

"About two hundred miles away," said Eric earnestly.

"Kept getting lost, did he?"

"And when he got home he fought his wife's suitors and everything, and his dear dog recognised him and died."

"Oh, dear."

"It was the carrying his slippers in its mouth for fifteen years that killed it off."

"Shame."

"And you know what, demon? All this hasn't happened yet. We could save him all that trouble!"

Rincewind thought about this. "We could tell him to get a better navigator, for a start," he said.

There was a creak. The soldiers had got the door open.

"Everyone fall in, or whatever the bloody stupid command is," said Lavaeolus. "The magic box to the front, please. No killing anyone unless it's really necessary. Try not to damage things. Right. Forward."

The door led into a column-lined corridor. There was the distant murmur of voices.

The troop crept towards the sound until it reached a heavy curtain. Lavaeolus took a deep breath, pushed it aside and stepped forward and launched into a prepared speech.