Evensong

But only some, Anwar silently prayed, and nothing which gives any clues about me.

“I’ve seen injustice and suffering and it should make me compassionate, but it doesn’t. It makes me furious. My first instinct isn’t to comfort the victims but to strike at the perpetrators. I’m an Archbishop, but compassion doesn’t come easily to me. Hatred comes easier.

“Which brings me to our enemies. You know what I call them. Batoth’Daa: the Back to the Dark Ages Alliance. I hated all of them, leaders and followers; followers because they’re weak and stupid, leaders because they make use of weakness and stupidity. But my companion’s remark made me look again at the followers.

“So to everyone who’s ever been duped or brainwashed or bullied into these ghastly fundamentalist cults, we’ll offer something new: an Outreach Foundation. It’ll be like everything else we do, businesslike and properly funded. And it’ll offer something better. Dignity. Self-esteem. Purpose. Not superstition and guilt and blind obedience–they can get those from any of our competitors.

“But if they don’t take it, then they’ll have what I still offer their leaders: my hatred.”

There was a murmur around the Cathedral. She’d said it with relish.

“Yes, you heard me. Hatred. We can’t love everyone. We can’t make heaven on earth. We can’t make everything perfect, but we can make some things better.”

She sounds so much like Rafiq, Anwar thought. Why haven’t they ever got into bed, either politically or literally?

“And we must make them better, because we may be all there is. We exploit space, but we’ve stopped exploring it. Is it because we think that nothing’s out there? We’ve turned inwards. Maybe there really is nothing except us. And God.”

This is new. They’ve never heard her say things like this. Where’s she going?

“Maybe we really are alone as a species. Often enough we’re alone as individuals. Think about our relationships: the line where an individual ends and a couple begins. A secret can mark that line. If one half has a secret they can’t share, maybe they should never become a couple. Maybe it would be better if they both stayed alone.”

There was a puzzled murmur from the congregation, and she didn’t elaborate. But for Anwar, it struck a chord. A cold and sickening one. He knew exactly what she meant. He’d said it to her himself, when she almost offered him something real and he rejected it. Not only rejected it, but laughed it into nonexistence. What have I done?

And later, when she gave him that book, he’d sensed she was again moving in and he’d felt a copper tang of fear. He felt it now, but a different fear: the fear that he was wrong. What have I done?

“Stayed alone,” she repeated softly, as if talking to herself. “Individual identity. It should be the last line, the one never crossed. The place where the soul lives. But I’ve seen it invaded…”

Even Anwar didn’t understand that reference. Maybe he wasn’t the only one here to whom she was addressing cryptic remarks.

She shook her head violently, as if to clear it.

“Our society is capable of great things. Technology hasn’t cured all our problems, but it has solved the food and fuel shortages that people feared fifty years ago would bury us. And yet, there’s always the thread of selfishness and selfobsession. While we work to solve the remaining problems, like the water rights that are why the UN is coming here, we see everywhere, on every screen, advertisements showing people putting things in their mouths.”

Again, a surprised murmur. Again, she didn’t elaborate. And again, Anwar was the only person in the Cathedral who knew what she meant.

Anwar, when he was Rashad, was fascinated by advertisements. His classmates talked about their favourite programmes, but he preferred the advertisements. An unconscious commentary on society. Have you ever thought, he asked repeatedly, how many of them show people putting things in their mouths? Burgers, chocolate, pies, lividly-coloured drinks? People putting things in their mouths: a logo for our society. His classmates chewed their burgers and stared at him, open-mouthed and uncomprehending.

Just like tonight’s congregation. They probably think she’s veering all over the place, but there’s no mistake. She’s been waiting to say this as long as I’ve thought it.