Eyes Wide Open

Kathy flew out that next day, after I finally told her about Charlie and Gabby and everything that had happened. She kept Max safe with her parents, under the watch of a private security agent. When she stepped in the room I was in bed, still a little woozy from all the sedatives.

“Oh, Jay, ” she uttered sadly, looking at my puffed-up face, all black and blue and swollen. She came up to the bed with tears in her eyes and brushed her hand softly against my face.

“The side hurts more.” I tried to smile.

“Don’t,” she said. “Don’t say a word. I know.” She sat down on the side of the bed.

“I’d take you through it all, but my jaw’s been wired shut.”

She didn’t answer. She didn’t even smile. I just saw the tears well lovingly and the sorrow on her face and I reached out my hand to hers and wrapped her fingers in mine.

“I’m sorry,” I said.

She took a breath and nodded. “I’m sorry too.”

“For what?”

“Because I judged them.” She meant Charlie and Gabby. “And because I guess I judged you too. I wasn’t there for you, honey, and it almost cost you your life.”

I squeezed her. I tried to say in my look that it didn’t matter. That I was just glad she was there. “I thought they were different, Kath… But they weren’t. They were the same. They loved Evan just as we love Max and Sophie. And it killed them, the same as it would kill us if we lost one of them.”

“I know.” She reached into her purse and took out a small frame. “I didn’t know what to bring, so I just brought this.”

In it was a picture of the four of us, on the deck of our place in Amagansett, the kids sitting on the railing of the deck, Maxie’s cap turned backward, Sophie in a Coldplay T-shirt, the sun on their faces.

“I would have brought the Bob Seger CD, but I figured it wasn’t exactly a lucky charm…”

I laughed. “ Don’t, ” I said, pointing to my jaw. There were a lot of things that rushed into my heart at that moment, but only one made it to my lips.

“Yes, it was.”

Kathy rested her head against my stomach and I stroked her hair.

Damn lucky.

T hursday, they let me leave. I wanted to hop on a plane as fast as I could-be back in my own house, my own world, with the kids.

But there was one last thing I had to do.

I had Charlie’s and Gabby’s remains cremated at the same mortuary where we had visited Evan only a few days before.

Charlie and I had always been different. Different roots sprung from the same tree. I had had love and support, and I guess I wasn’t bipolar, and things just worked out for me.

Charlie had been contentious from the start, and life didn’t treat him well.

Yet in the end we were the same. And it had been Charlie who saved me. I meant what I said to that cop: I hadn’t just lost my brother; I’d also lost my friend.

I knew exactly what the two of them would have wanted. Seeing their hands joined at the end told me so even more.

It was only a matter of where.

That was my decision.

The morning of our flight home, we drove back out to Morro Bay.

“It’s huge!” Kathy said as we got within sight, driving down to Embarcadero. I saw her eyes widen behind her sunglasses. “And it’s beautiful.”

“I know. There’s a legend that when God created the valley here this was where he stopped to sit. Apparently, there used to be pelicans all around here. And peregrines. The shallow bay was kind of a feeding ground for them. But something’s driven them away.”

“What?” Kathy asked.

I shook my head. “I don’t know.”

We drove down the inlet and parked near the same spot I had parked with Charlie and Gabby. From the backseat, I took out the three cardboard boxes we had brought. Each contained a few ounces of gray, silty ash.

I pointed. “This way.”

We walked out into the shadow of the gigantic mound, past the handful of tourists and fishermen who were gathered there. Past the chain-link fence. Kathy looked at me, unsure. “You sure this is okay?”

I nodded. “Yes.”

We made our way onto the tiny, gray cove of beach and the large, jagged rocks. I looked for the narrow path that went up the slope. The sun was shining. The surf was up and occasionally a wave crashed over the outer rocks, sending spray into the breeze.

“You need some help?” Kathy asked, navigating her way across the rocks.

“No, I’m okay.” I knew my gait was a bit unsteady. But I also knew where I wanted to go. I looked up and saw the promontory halfway up the cliff and pointed. “Here it is…”

We looked at the jigsaw of boulders at the bottom of the rock.

This was where they had found him.

We stood, staring up at the enormous wall, waves spraying spectacularly.

I thought of Charlie and Gabby climbing over the same rocks just a few days ago, and a burning sensation rose up at the back of my eyes.

“It feels like a good place, Jay. It really does.” Kathy smiled, seeing my eyes well up. “I think they’d be happy here…”

“Okay.”

We took out a container the mortuary had provided us and opened each of the cardboard boxes containing Charlie, Gabby, and Evan’s remains. We poured a slow stream at first, then steadier, letting the flow of ashes all merge into one.