Faith of the Fallen

"My life is a precious and sacred thing to me," she said. "Yours is no less to you. Don't throw yours away to be a slave to mine. I couldn't stand it."

"It's not come to that yet. I'll figure something out. But for now, I have to go with her."

"We'll follow, but stay well back." He was already shaking his head.

"But, she won't even be aware-"

"No. For all we know, she could have others with her. They could be waiting to catch you if you follow. I couldn't bear the thought of knowing that at any moment she could use magic or somehow find out you were following. If that happened, you would die for nothing."

"You mean you think she could. . hurt you to make you tell her I planned to follow."

"Let's not let our imaginations get the better of us."

"But I should be close, for when you make a move-for when you figure a way to stop her."

Richard cupped her face tenderly in his hands. He had a strange look in his eyes, a look she didn't like.

"Listen to me. I don't know what's going on, but you mustn't die just to free me."

Tears of desperation stung her eyes. She blinked them away. She fought to keep her voice from becoming a wail.

"Don't go, Richard. I don't care what it means for me, as long as you can be free. I would die happy if doing so would keep you from the enemy's cruel hands. I can't allow the Order to have you. I can't allow you to endure the slow grinding death of a slave in exchange for my life. I can't allow them to-"

She bit off the words of what she feared most; she couldn't bear the thought of him being tortured. It made her even more dizzy and sick to think of him being maimed and mutilated, of him suffering all alone and forgotten in some distant stinking dungeon with no hope of help.

But Nicci said they wouldn't. Kahlan told herself that, for her own sanity, she had to believe Nicci's word.

Kahlan realized Richard was smiling to himself, as if trying to commit to memory every detail of her face while at the same time running a thousand other things through his thoughts.

"There's no choice," he whispered. "I must do this."

She clutched his shirt in her fist. "You're doing just as Nicci wants-she knows you'll want to save me. I can't allow you to make that sacrifice!"

Richard looked up briefly, gazing out at the trees and mountains behind their house, taking it all in, like a condemned man savoring his last meal.

His gaze, more earnest, settled once more on hers.

"Don't you see? I am making no sacrifice. I am making a fair trade. The reality that you exist is my basis for joy and happiness.

"I make no sacrifice," he repeated, stressing each word. "To be a slave, even if that is what happens to me, and yet know you're alive, is my choice over being free in a world in which you don't exist. I can live with the first. I can't, with the second. The first is painful, the second unbearable."

Kahlan beat a fist against his chest. "But you will be a slave or worse and I can't bear that!"

"Kahlan, listen to me. I will always have freedom in my heart because I understand what it is. Because I do, I can work toward it. I will find a way to be free.

"I cannot find a way to bring you back to life.

"The spirits know that in the past I've been willing to forfeit my life for a just cause and if my life would truly make a difference. In the past, I have knowingly imperiled both our lives, been willing to sacrifice both our lives-but not in return for nothing. Don't you see? This would be a fool's bargain. I'll not do it."

Kahlan pulled her breaths in small gasps, trying to told back the tears as well as her rising sense of panic. "You're the Seeker. You must find a way to freedom. Of course you will. You will, 1 know." She forced a swallow past the constriction in her throat as she tried to reassure Richard, or perhaps herself. "You'll find a way. I know you will. You'll find a way and you'll come back. You did before. You will this time."

The shadows of Richard's features seemed dark and severe, cast as they were in a mask of resignation.

"Kahlan, you must be prepared to go on."

"What do you mean?"

"You must find joy in the fact that I, too, live. You must be prepared to go on with that knowledge and nothing else."

"What do you mean, nothing else?"

He had a terrible look in his eyes-some kind of sad, grim, tragic acceptance. She didn't want to look into his eyes, but, standing there with her hand against his chest, feeling the warmth of him, the life within him, she couldn't make herself look away as he spoke.

"I think it's different this time."

Kahlan pulled her hair back when the wind dragged it over her eyes.

"Different?"

"There's something very different about the feel of this. It doesn't make sense in the way things in the past have made sense. There's something deadly serious about Nicci. Something singular. She's planned this out and she's prepared to die for it. I can't lie to you to deceive you. Something tells me that, this time, I may never be able to find a way to come back."