Familiar Spirit

“He said he didn’t want to think about it, he didn’t want to remember it, and anyway, he couldn’t describe it to me so I’d really understand,” Beverly said. “I didn’t want to nag him about it, but I want to know.”

Sarah nodded but said nothing. They walked out to the parking lot. “Peter told me that Jade tried to kill him,” Beverly said. “That even though it was all in his mind it was very real and seemed physical.”

“Yeah.”

Beverly looked at her as they got into the car. “You don’t want to talk about it either,” she said. “You know and Peter knows, but I don’t. I can’t. You won’t tell me.”

Sarah winced at the accusation, alert to a trace of jealousy in Beverly’s voice. “It’s hard to talk about,” she said. “Partly because it sounds crazy, partly because words don’t communicate what it was really like, and partly . . . because talking about it stirs up memories I’d rather forget. Pete may be able to discuss it with you after he’s rested more—after he’s feeling more himself. We’re not trying to leave you out, believe me.”

“I know,” said Beverly. “You’re just trying to protect me, both of you. But I wish it had happened to me. I wish I could have been there!”

Sarah looked at her uneasily. “No you don’t,” she said. “Believe me—you don’t ever want that to happen to you. Stay away from the house, Bev. It couldn’t have helped any of us if Jade had attacked you, too.”

“No, I suppose not. But then at least I’d know. I’d understand what Peter is going through. I know it’s selfish of me, but—I want to share everything with Peter. I feel so cut off from him now, Sarah! I look at him, and I see the pain in his eyes—and then he looks away from me, and I have no idea what he’s feeling, why he’s suffering so! I don’t know how to help him—maybe I can’t help him.”

“Just accept it, Bev,” Sarah said quickly. “Just be there for him. That’s a help. It helped me, to have you and Pete caring about me. It would have helped more if—”

“I know.” Beverly took one hand from the wheel to touch Sarah’s arm. “It’s just that being here feels too much like doing nothing. I hate to see Peter in pain, but the worst part is that I don’t understand it. It’s so hard to accept. I mean, demons . . .” She cast Sarah an apologetic glance, then looked back at the road.

“It does sound crazy,” Sarah admitted. “I’m grateful for your belief—it’s more than I could have expected. I didn’t believe my own experience, at first. I thought I was going crazy, because that made more sense than the idea of evil spirits at large. But I experienced Jade’s power at firsthand. You’ve had to accept it all on faith.”

“I never thought you were crazy, Sarah,” Beverly said earnestly. “I believed everything you told us.”

“Pete didn’t. He had to experience it for himself before he could believe. My word wasn’t enough.”

“Peter’s like that,” Beverly said. “He can’t take anything on faith—he always wants to see the proof.”

“Well, it nearly destroyed him this time,” Sarah said. “I hope it was worth it to him.”

Beverly pulled up behind Sarah’s house. Her face was tense and unhappy. “I don’t like leaving you here,” she said.

“Don’t worry, I’m not going inside. I don’t want to give Jade another chance. Although . . . I’ll have to go in to get my things when I move. I wonder if he’ll let me go, or try to stop me?”

“We’ll come with you then,” said Beverly.

“No!” Sarah looked at Beverly uneasily and then managed to smile. “I’d be more worried about you than about myself, you see. Jade would see you as a new victim. Or he might try to use us against each other, to hurt ourselves. It’ll be a problem, moving out, but I think it would be best if I did it all myself.”

“But the furniture . . . you couldn’t move that couch by yourself.”

“All right. We’ll talk about it later. Maybe there’s still something we can do . . .” She glanced up at the house and twitched her shoulders uneasily. Then she leaned across to give Beverly a hug. “You go on now. Don’t worry about me—I’m not going in there. I’ll probably be out late, so don’t bother fixing dinner for me. I’ll get a bite to eat somewhere and then probably head over to the library.”

“You’ve still got your key?”

“Yeah, so don’t wait up for me, Mom.” Sarah gave Beverly a big, mocking grin as she got out of the car and was pleased when her friend returned it. Still, it was a relief to watch Beverly drive away. In conversation with her, Sarah had felt she was walking a mine field, afraid at any moment a chance word would set off an explosion of insecurity. It was obvious that Beverly had picked up reverberations of Pete’s guilt, and knew, without understanding, that he was hiding something from her.

Sarah stopped as she was about to mount the wooden steps leading to the back porch. Preoccupied with thoughts of Beverly, she had walked towards the house unconsciously, realizing what she was doing just in time to stop herself from going in.