Feet of Clay

‘And Snori Glodssonsunclesson said he had Rat Surprise last night and he’ll swear there were chicken bones in it!’

Carrot let go of the dwarf. ‘You stay here,’ he said to Angua and, head bowed, stepped inside Gimlet’s Hole Food Delicatessen.

An axe spun towards him. He caught it almost absent-mindedly and tossed it casually aside.

‘Ow!’

There was a mêlée of dwarfs around the counter. The row had already gone well past the stage when it had anything much to do with the subject in hand and, these being dwarfs, now included matters of vital importance such as whose grandfather had stolen whose grandfather’s mining claim three hundred years ago and whose axe was at whose throat right now.

But there was something about Carrot’s presence. The fighting gradually stopped. The fighters tried to look as if they’d just happened to be standing there. There was a sudden and general ‘Axe? What axe? Oh, this axe? I was just showing it to my friend Bjorn here, good old Bjorn’ feel to the atmosphere.

‘All right,’ said Carrot. ‘What’s all this about poison? Mr Gimlet first.’

‘It’s a diabolical lie!’ shouted Gimlet, from somewhere under the heap. ‘I run a wholesome restaurant! My tables are so clean you could eat your dinner off them!’

Carrot raised his hands to stop the outburst this caused. ‘Someone said something about rats,’ he said.

‘I told them, I use only the very best rats!’ shouted Gimlet. ‘Good plump rats from the best locations! None of your latrine rubbish! And they’re hard to come by, let me tell you!’

‘And when you can’t get them, Mr Gimlet?’ said Carrot.

Gimlet paused. Carrot was hard to lie to. ‘All right,’ he mumbled. ‘Maybe when there’s not enough I might sort of plump out the stock with some chicken, maybe just a bit of beef—’

‘Hah! A bit?’ More voices were raised.

‘That’s right, you should see his cold room, Mr Carrot!’

‘Yeah, he uses steak and cuts little legs in it and covers it with rat sauce!’

‘I don’t know, you try to do your best at very reasonable prices and this is the thanks you get?’ said Gimlet hotly. ‘It’s hard enough to make ends meet as it is!’

‘You don’t even make ’em of the right meat!’

Carrot sighed. There were no public health laws in Ankh-Morpork. It would be like installing smoke detectors in Hell.

‘All right,’ he said. ‘But you can’t get poisoned by steak. No, honestly. No. No, shut up, all of you. No, I don’t care what your mothers told you. Now, I want to know about this poisoning, Gimlet.’

Gimlet struggled to his feet.

‘We did Rat Surprise last night for the Sons of Bloodaxe annual dinner,’ he said. There was a general groan. ‘And it was rat.’ He raised his voice against the complaining. ‘You can’t use anything else — listen — you’ve got to have the noses poking through the pastry,^{73} all right? Some of the best rat we’ve had in for a long time, let me tell you!’

‘And you were all ill afterwards?’ said Carrot, taking out his notebook.

‘Sweating all night!’

‘Couldn’t see straight!’

‘I reckon I know every knothole on the back of the privy door!’

‘I’ll write that down as a “definitely”,’ said Carrot. ‘Was there anything else on the dinner menu?’

‘Vole-au-vents and Cream of Rat,’ said Gimlet. ‘All hygienically prepared.’

‘How do you mean, “hygienically prepared”?’ said Carrot.

‘The chef is under strict orders to wash his hands afterwards.’

The assembled dwarfs nodded. This was certainly pretty hygienic. You didn’t want people going around with ratty hands.

‘Anyway, you’ve all been eating here for years,’ said Gimlet, sensing this slight veer in his direction. ‘This is the first time there’s been any trouble, isn’t it? My rats are famous!’

‘Your chicken’s going to be pretty famous, too,’ said Carrot.

There was laughter this time. Even Gimlet joined in. ‘All right, I’m sorry about the chicken. But it was that or very poor rats, and you know I only buy from Wee Mad Arthur. He’s trustworthy, whatever else you may say about him. You just can’t get better rats. Everyone knows that.’

‘That’ll be Wee Mad Arthur in Gleam Street?’ said Carrot.

‘Yes. Not a mark on ’em, most of the time.’

‘Have you got any left?’

‘One or two.’ Gimlet’s expression changed. ‘Here, you don’t think he poisoned them, do you? I never did trust that little bugger!’

‘Enquiries are continuing,’ said Carrot. He tucked his notebook away. ‘I’d like some rats, please. Those rats. To go.’ He glanced at the menu, patted his pocket and looked questioningly out through the door at Angua.

‘You don’t have to buy them,’ she said wearily. ‘They’re evidence.’

‘We can’t defraud an innocent tradesman who may be the victim of circumstances,’ said Carrot.

‘You want ketchup?’ said Gimlet. ‘Only they’re extra with ketchup.’

***