Forty Words for Sorrow

"That's good. These chords will sound good on piano. They're not great for guitar. Too many flats." It was easy to talk when he was feeling so free. Having a prisoner available enabled him to chat with people just like Alan and Carl did. Eric tore off the receipt and taped it to the bag. "Good luck with this now. Let us know if there's any other music you're looking for."

"Oh, thanks. That's great." Sprinkling of acne, mouthful of braces. Amazing. Just a week ago, I'd have been too upset to speak to her, too gripped. My heart would have been pure thunder, and terrible images would have blotted out the cash register.

Now Eric could watch her flick that long straight hair without a trace of nerves. This was control.

Jane, his foster sister, had had long straight hair like that, except Jane's was blond. It used to fascinate him. She was always playing with it, too. Twirling a strand unconsciously while she watched TV, squinting at it cross-eyed looking for split ends. Sometimes Eric would touch it and she wouldn't even know. If she was sitting in the front of the car, say, and he was sitting in the back, he could touch that golden sweet-smelling stuff and she'd be none the wiser.

He daydreamed about Jane for a while. All the things he would have done to her, if he'd had the chance. Eventually Alan Troy told him things were looking pretty slow, he could take the rest of the night off.

"You sure, Alan? I can hang around for a while, if you want."

"No, that's okay. Carl's here to close up."

Eric had his coat on and was just about out the door when on an impulse he asked, "How much you figure an Ovation's worth, secondhand?"

Alan didn't look up from the register, where he was counting money. "Why, Eric? You have one to sell?"

"Some guy tried to sell me one the other day. Wanted three hundred for it."

"Well, it depends on the model, of course. You can't get an Ovation new for under eight hundred, though, so it sounds like a good deal- depending on the action and so forth."

"Seemed pretty good. I'm not exactly an expert, though."

"Why don't you bring it in, if the guy'll let you. I'll check it out. Give you a mechanic's report, so to speak."

"Maybe I'll do that. I think the guy left town, though. 'Night, Alan."

"Goodnight, Eric."

"Be careful driving home. It's turning into slush city out there."

Alan gave him an amused, assessing look. "You're in a good mood these days."

"Am I?" Eric thought about it. "Yeah, I guess I am. Had some good news from home. My sister just got her pharmacy degree."

"Hey, that's great. Good for her."

"Yeah. Jane's a good kid."

ERIC had not in fact heard from his foster sister for over fourteen years. He had always figured he would get tossed out of the foster home because of the fire he started next door, but they never caught him for that. Never caught him for the wretched series of parties he had with the dog and cat that went missing, either. In the end they got him for something completely stupid. In the end they got him for nothing at all.

Thirteen-year-old Jane had been the cause of it. If she had not been so stuck up, things would have gone smoother, he would have settled in better, he would have been able to relax. But she was always working him up, the way she flicked her hair at him, the way she ignored him. When he had kidnapped her dog, he had found himself strangely free of yearning for Jane. He could talk to her. He could even comfort her, when she cried for her lost pet.

But less than a week after the dog was dead, Eric was tormented again with a ferocious aching in his chest. Jane had gone back to ignoring him, treating him as if he were a clod of dirt under her heel. He swallowed his pain until he could stand it no more, until finally he determined that- for one night, at least- Jane would pay attention. Beyond this, he did not really know what he was going to do. He was going to play it by ear.

He stayed awake one night until his foster father's grizzly-sized snores shook the walls of the house. Then he put on his jeans and a shirt- even his socks- and tiptoed down the hall to Jane's door. The door had no lock, he knew, none of the bedrooms had locks.

Sometimes Jane stayed awake reading or listening to her pink plastic radio, but there was no light under her door now. Eric did not even pause. He turned the knob, stepped right into her room, and closed the door. His eyes were already adapted to the dark, and he could clearly see the outline of Jane's hip beneath the covers. She was curled up facing the wall, her features hidden behind a curtain of blond hair.

The room smelled of running shoes and baby oil. Eric stood perfectly still for a long time, watching the rise and fall of Jane's rib cage, listening to the soft swell of her breath. She's fast asleep, Eric thought. I can do anything I want.