Frog

A middle-aged man in a wrinkled grey suit and red tie, a fountain pen in his pocket and a briefcase under his arm enters quietly.

HAO DASHOU: (head down) What are you doing here again, Tadpole?

TADPOLE: (flatteringly) You’re a wizard, Hao Dashou. You knew it was me just by the sound.

HAO DASHOU: Not the sound, the smell.

QIN HE: A dog’s sense of smell is thousands of times keener than a man’s.

HAO DASHOU: Was that meant for me?

QIN HE: Did I say that? I was only talking about a dog’s sense of smell.

HAO DASHOU: That was meant for me. (quickly twists the clay in his hand into the image of Qin He’s face, shows it to Tadpole and Qin, then flings it to the floor) I’ve just flattened a face that knows no shame!

QIN HE: (taking up the challenge, twists a clay replica of Hao’s face, shows Tadpole, then flings it to the floor) I’ve just flattened an old dog!

TADPOLE: Hold your temper, Uncle Hao, you too, Uncle Qin. Stop it, both of you. The two images you just created were works of art. What a shame to flatten them.

HAO DASHOU: Butt out! Be careful I don’t make you, then flatten you.

TADPOLE: Make one of me, I beg you. But don’t flatten it afterward. When my play is finished, I’ll put that on the cover.

HAO DASHOU: I already told you that your aunt would rather watch ants climb a tree than read your trashy play.

QIN HE: Why are you writing plays instead of working in the field? If you actually manage to write your play, I’ll eat this ball of clay.

TADPOLE: (modestly) Uncle Hao, Uncle Qin, Gugu is getting old and her eyesight is failing. I wouldn’t dare ask her to read it herself. I plan to read it to her and to you at the same time. I’m sure you both know Cao Yu and Lao She. Well, they both went to the theatre to read their plays to actors and directors.

HAO DASHOU: But you’re not Cao Yu, and you’re not Lao She.

QIN HE: And we’re not actors, and we’re definitely not directors.

TADPOLE: But you are characters in my play! I worked hard to enhance your images. You’ll be sorry if you don’t listen, but if you do, and there are parts you’re unhappy with, I can change them. Otherwise, the play will be staged and will be published as a libretto, and then it will be too late for you to do anything about it. (suddenly sad) I’ve worked on this play for ten years and have gone through everything I owned. I even sold off the rafters in my house. (with his hands on his chest, he coughs painfully) For the sake of this play, I smoked cheap tobacco, and when I had none of that, I smoked the leaves of locust trees — countless sleepless nights, deteriorating health, my very life drained, all for what? Fame? Fortune? (shrilly) No, and no! For Gugu’s love, to give permanent recognition to Northeast Gaomi Township’s very own goddess. If you won’t listen to me read, I’ll kill myself in front of you.

HAO DASHOU: Who are you trying to scare? How do you plan to do it? Rope? Poison?

QIN HE: It actually sounds slightly moving. I think I’d like to hear it.

HAO DASHOU: You can read your play if you want to, but not in my house.

TADPOLE: First and foremost, this is Gugu’s house; only after that is it yours.

Gugu crawls out from the cave.

GUGU: (lazily) Who’s talking about me?

TADPOLE: It’s me, Gugu.

GUGU: I know it’s you. What are you doing here?

TADPOLE: (hastily opens his briefcase and takes out a manuscript; reads quickly) Gugu, it’s me, Tadpole from Two Counties Village. (Qin and Hao exchange puzzled looks) Yu Peisheng is my father, Sun Fuxia is my mother, I was one of the ‘sweet potato kids’ and the first child you ever delivered. You also delivered my wife, Tan Yu’er. Her father is Tan Jinhai, her mother is Huang Yueling…

GUGU: Stop there. You’ve changed your name to be a playwright? And your date of birth? Your parents, the name of your village, and your wife?