Going Postal

‘Oh, yes. You were hanged,’ said Vetinari. ‘A very precise science, hanging. Mr Trooper is a master. The slippage and thickness of the rope, whether the knot is placed here rather than there , the relationship between weight and distance… oh, I’m sure the man could write a book. You were hanged to within half an inch of your life, I understand. Only an expert standing right next to you would have spotted that, and in this case the expert was our friend Mr Trooper. No, Albert Spangler is dead, Mr Lipwig. Three hundred people would swear they saw him die.’ He leaned forward. ‘And so, appropriately, it is of angels I wish to talk to you now.’

Moist managed a grunt.

‘The first interesting thing about angels, Mr Lipwig, is that sometimes, very rarely, at a point in a man’s career where he has made such a foul and tangled mess of his life that death appears to be the only sensible option, an angel appears to him, or, I should say, unto him, and offers him a chance to go back to the moment when it all went wrong, and this time do it right . Mr Lipwig, I should like you to think of me as… an angel.’

Moist stared. He’d felt the snap of the rope, the choke of the noose! He’d seen the blackness welling up! He’d died!

‘I’m offering you a job, Mr Lipwig. Albert Spangler is buried, but Mr Lipwig has a future . It may, of course, be a very short one, if he is stupid. I am offering you a job, Mr Lipwig. Work, for wages. I realize the concept may not be familiar.’

Only as a form of hell, Moist thought.

‘The job is that of Postmaster General of the Ankh-Morpork Post Office.’

Moist continued to stare.

‘May I just add, Mr Lipwig, that behind you there is a door. If at any time in this interview you feel you wish to leave, you have only to step through it and you will never hear from me again.’

Moist filed that under ‘deeply suspicious’.

‘To continue: the job, Mr Lipwig, involves the refurbishment and running of the city’s postal service, preparation of the international packets, maintenance of Post Office property, et cetera, et cetera—’

‘If you stick a broom up my arse I could probably sweep the floor, too,’ said a voice. Moist realized it was his. His brain was a mess. It had come as a shock to find that the afterlife is this one.

Lord Vetinari gave him a long, long look.

‘Well, if you wish,’ he said, and turned to a hovering clerk. ‘Drumknott, does the housekeeper have a store cupboard on this floor, do you know?’

‘Oh, yes, my lord,’ said the clerk. ‘Shall I—’

‘It was a joke!’ Moist burst out.

‘Oh, I’m sorry, I hadn’t realized,’ said Lord Vetinari, turning back to Moist. ‘Do tell me if you feel obliged to make another one, will you?’

‘Look,’ said Moist, ‘I don’t know what’s happening here, but I don’t know anything about delivering post!’

‘Mr Moist, this morning you had no experience at all of being dead, and yet but for my intervention you would nevertheless have turned out to be extremely good at it,’ said Lord Vetinari sharply. ‘It just goes to show: you never know until you try’

‘But when you sentenced me—’

Vetinari raised a pale hand. ‘Ah?’ he said.

Moist’s brain, at last aware that it needed to do some work here, stepped in and replied: ‘Er… when you… sentenced… Albert Spangler—’

‘Well done. Do carry on.’

‘—you said he was a natural born criminal, a fraudster by vocation, an habitual liar, a perverted genius and totally untrustworthy!’

‘Are you accepting my offer, Mr Lipwig?’ said Vetinari sharply.

Moist looked at him. ‘Excuse me,’ he said, standing up, ‘I’d just like to check something.’

There were two men dressed in black standing behind his chair. It wasn’t a particularly neat black, more the black worn by people who just don’t want little marks to show. They looked like clerks, until you met their eyes.

They stood aside as Moist walked towards the door which, as promised, was indeed there. He opened it very carefully. There was nothing beyond, and that included a floor. In the manner of one who is going to try all possibilities, he took the remnant of spoon out of his pocket and let it drop. It was quite a long time before he heard the jingle.

Then he went back and sat in the chair.

‘The prospect of freedom?’ he said.

‘Exactly,’ said Lord Vetinari. ‘There is always a choice.’

‘You mean… I could choose certain death?’

‘A choice, nevertheless,’ said Vetinari. ‘Or, perhaps, an alternative. You see, I believe in freedom, Mr Lipwig. Not many people do, although they will of course protest otherwise. And no practical definition of freedom would be complete without the freedom to take the consequences. Indeed, it is the freedom upon which all the others are based. Now… will you take the job? No one will recognize you, I am sure. No one ever recognizes you, it would appear.’

Moist shrugged. ‘Oh, all right. Of course, I accept as natural born criminal, habitual liar, fraudster and totally untrustworthy perverted genius.’