Gwendy’s Final Task

They wait. The minutes drain away (the way my mind is draining away, Gwendy can’t help thinking). At T-minus 40, Becky tells them the service structure is retracting on its gigantic rails. At T-minus 35, Becky announces, “Fuel loading has commenced. All systems remain nominal.”

Once upon a time—actually just ten or twelve years ago, but things move fast in the twenty-first century—the fuel was loaded before the human cargo, but SpaceX changed that, and a lot of other things. There are no more flight controls, just the ubiquitous touch screens, and Becky is really running the show (Gwendy just hopes the Beckster isn’t a female version of HAL-9000). Lundgren and Drinkwater are basically just there for what Kathy calls “the dreaded holy-shit moment.” Dave Graves is actually more important; if Becky has a nervous breakdown, he can fix it. Probably. Hopefully.

“Helmets,” Sam Drinkwater says, putting on his. “Let me hear your roger.”

One by one they respond. For a moment Gwendy can’t remember where the catches are, but then it comes to her and she locks down.

“T-minus 27,” Becky informs. “Systems nominal.”

Gwendy glances at Winston, and is meanly pleased to see that some of his rich-guy bonhomie has evaporated. He’s looking out his porthole at blue sky and a corner of the Mission Control building. There’s a red patch on the fleshy cheek Gwendy can see, but otherwise he looks pale. Maybe thinking this wasn’t such a good idea, after all.

As if catching her thought, he turns to her and gives her a thumbs-up. Gwendy returns the gesture.

“Got your special box all secure?” Winston asks.

Gwendy has it beneath one knee, where it won’t fly away unless she does. And she’s secured with a five-point harness, like a jet fighter pilot.

“Good to go.” And then, although she’s no longer sure what it means—if it means anything: “Five-by-five.”

Winston grunts and turns back to the window.

On her left, Adesh has closed his eyes. His lips are moving slightly, almost certainly in prayer. Gwendy would like to do the same, but it’s been a long time since she had any real confidence in God. But there is something. That she’s sure of, because she cannot believe that any power on earth made the strange device currently hidden inside a steel container that can only be opened with a seven-digit code. Why it has ended up in her hands again is a question to which she supposes she knows the answer, or at least part of it. Why she’s saddled with it while suffering the first stages of early-onset Alzheimers is less understandable. It’s also hideously unfair, not to mention absurd, but since when did questions of fairness ever enter into human events? When Job cried out to God, the Almighty’s response was mighty cold: Were you there when I made the world?

Never mind, Gwendy thinks. Third time is the charm, last time pays for all. I’ll do what I have to do, and I’ll hold onto my mind long enough to do it. I promised Farris, and I keep my promises.

At least she always has.

If not for the innocent people with me, she thinks, for the most part good people, brave people, dedicated people (maybe with the exception of Gareth Winston), I’d almost wish we’d blow up on the launching pad or fifty miles downrange. That would take care of everythi—

Except it wouldn’t; that’s something else that’s slipped her increasingly unreliable mind. According to Richard Farris, the author of all her misery, it wouldn’t take care of everything, any more than weighting the goddamned button box down with rocks and dropping it into the Marianas Trench would take care of everything.

It had to be space. Not just the final frontier but the ultimate wasteland.

Give me strength, Gwendy prays to the God whose existence she highly doubts. As if in response, Becky—the god of Eagle Heavy—tells them they are now at T-minus 10 minutes, and all systems remain green.

Sam Drinkwater says, “Visors down and locked. Let me hear your roger.”

They snap down their visors, firing off their responses. At first everything looks dark to Gwendy, and she remembers her polarizing visor also came down. She shoves it up with the heel of her gloved hand.

“Initiate oxygen flow, let me hear your roger.”

The valve is somewhere on her helmet, but she can’t remember where. God, if only she could get to her notebook! She looks at Adesh in time to see him twist a knob on his helmet’s left side, just above the pressure suit’s high collar. Gwendy copies him and hears the soft shush of air into her helmet.