Happy Birthday: A Novel

“I’m sorry I was such an asshole at the doctor’s,” Mike said simply. She nodded and didn’t look up at him. She didn’t really want to see him. But her heart was beating faster as she walked along beside him. And the baby was kicking like crazy. She had noticed that it did that whenever she got upset or excited about something, good or bad.

“It’s all right,” she said quietly. “I shouldn’t have asked you to come. You took me to dinner once, and all of a sudden, I wanted you to see our … the baby.” She didn’t want to offend him by calling the child theirs. It wasn’t. It was only hers now. She wanted it. He didn’t. Or she had accepted the baby, and she knew he never would. He had made that clear at the doctor’s and in his text message after, and his disappearance and silence since.

“I wanted to see it. That’s why I went,” he said as they stopped walking and sat down on a stoop. She looked him in the eye then for the first time, and it nearly tore her heart out. “And it was so real when I saw the sonogram, that it scared the hell out of me,” he continued. “It just seemed like more than I could handle.”

“I know,” she said quietly. “I’m sorry.”

“No, I’m sorry,” he said, suddenly looking agitated. “That’s what I came here today to say. I’ve been thinking about it for two months, and I know we didn’t want this, either of us, but it happened. Maybe it was meant to be. Maybe it’s destiny. I thought you were terrific the night I met you, even as drunk as I was. That’s why I went to bed with you. And I think I was starting to fall in love with you when I got to know you better and met your family. And that scared the hell out of me too. You’re everything I’ve avoided all my life. I spent five years with a woman and never really loved her, even though I said I did. That’s why I wouldn’t marry her and have kids with her. And you haven’t asked me for a goddamn thing. Nothing. When I walked out on you, which was rotten of me, you didn’t call, you didn’t plead, or beg or whine. You didn’t send me nasty emails and tell me what a jerk I am. You just went on with your life, dealing with this all alone. That’s pretty goddamn brave. You have more decency and integrity than anyone I know. I’ve thought of you constantly for the last two months, and our baby. And yes, it is our baby. It’s as much mine as yours, even if I ran away and was a coward. I was so goddamn scared we’d turn into my parents one day. And it took me two months to figure out that that’s never going to happen. You’re not my mother, you’re nothing like her. You’re everything she wasn’t and couldn’t be. And thank God, I’m not my father. And this baby isn’t going to be like my brother, dead at fifteen, because nobody ever took care of him or loved him. This is a whole different ballgame. April, you’re a wonderful woman. And I don’t know if I’m worthy of you, but I’d like to try to be. I’d like to see if we can make this relationship work. It’s a little bit ass-backward starting out with a baby, and then trying to figure out if we like each other. But if we do, maybe we can be a family one day. And even if we can’t, whatever happens, I’m this baby’s father. And who knows, maybe it’ll turn out to be the best thing that ever happened. I’m sorry it took me so long to get here, but if I promise not to be a shit and run out on you again, would you be willing to see me and see how this works for a while, and maybe we can figure out what we’re doing?”

“You don’t have to do that,” she said softly. “You don’t owe me anything. We were both stupid that night in September.”

“You were less stupid than I was. You thought you had the pregnancy thing covered.”

“I still forgot a pill or two, even without the effect of the antibiotic.”

“Then we were both stupid.” He smiled at her. “And even if I don’t have to do this, I want to. I want to get to know you, and the baby.” He looked nervous then, and she looked unsure about what he was saying. She had given up on him by then, and he could see it in her eyes. “Will you let me? I don’t deserve another shot at it, but I’d like to try. And if it scares the shit out of me and I can’t handle it, I’ll tell you. I won’t just run out on you like I did last time. I’ve been seeing a therapist, and I think that might make a difference.” She was impressed by the lengths he had gone to, to try to face this with her. His going to the therapist seemed like a major step to her and almost made her want to try, but she wasn’t sure. She wondered if he was capable of making a real commitment and staying involved.

“Did you come to see me because your therapist told you to, or because you wanted to?” She looked up at him with big wounded green eyes that ripped his heart out.