Harry Potter and the Cursed Child

DOLORES UMBRIDGE: I am the headmistress, and however important your family may be — it doesn’t give you an excuse to dillydally, to mess about.

SCORPIUS: There’s a boy in this lake. You need to get help. I’m looking for my friend, Miss. Professor. Headmaster. One of Hogwarts’s students, Miss. I’m looking for Albus Potter.

DOLORES UMBRIDGE: Potter? Albus Potter? There’s no such student. In fact, there hasn’t been a Potter at Hogwarts for years — and that boy didn’t turn out so well. Not so much rest in peace, Harry Potter, more rest in perpetual despair. Total troublemaker.

SCORPIUS: Harry Potter’s dead?

Suddenly from around the auditorium, the feel of a breath of the wind. Some black robes arise around people. Black robes that become black shapes. That become dementors.

Flying dementors through the auditorium. These black deadly shapes, these black deadly forces. They are everything to be feared. And they suck the spirit from the room.

The wind continues. This is hell. And then, right from the back of the room, whispering around everyone.

Words said with an unmistakable voice. The voice of VOLDEMORT . . .

Haaarry Pottttter.

HARRY’s dream has come to life.

DOLORES UMBRIDGE: Have you swallowed something funny in there? Become a Mudblood without any of us noticing? Harry Potter died over twenty years ago as part of that failed coup on the school — he was one of those Dumbledore terrorists we bravely overthrew at the Battle of Hogwarts. Now come along — I don’t know what game you’re playing but you’re upsetting the dementors and entirely ruining Voldemort Day.

And the Parseltongue whispers grow louder and louder. Grow monstrously loud. And giant banners with snake symbols upon them descend over the stage.

SCORPIUS: Voldemort Day?

We cut to black.

PART TWO

ACT THREE

ACT THREE, SCENE ONE

HOGWARTS, HEADMISTRESS’S OFFICE

SCORPIUS enters the office of DOLORES UMBRIDGE. He is dressed in darker, blacker robes. He has a pensive look on his face. He remains coiled and alert.

DOLORES UMBRIDGE: Scorpius. Thank you so much for coming to see me.

SCORPIUS: Headmistress.

DOLORES UMBRIDGE: Scorpius, I’ve thought for a long time that you have Head Boy potential, as you know. Pure-blooded, a natural leader, wonderfully athletic . . .

SCORPIUS: Athletic?

DOLORES UMBRIDGE: No need to be modest, Scorpius. I’ve seen you on the Quidditch pitch, there’s rarely a Snitch you don’t catch. You are a highly valued student. Valued by the faculty. Valued especially by me. I’ve positively glowed about you in dispatches to the Augurey. Our work together flushing out the more dilettante students has made this school a safer, purer place —

SCORPIUS: Has it?

There is the sound of a scream from off. SCORPIUS turns towards it. But he dismisses the thought. He must and he will control himself.

DOLORES UMBRIDGE: But in the three days since I found you in that lake on Voldemort Day, you’ve become . . . odder and odder. In particular, this sudden obsession with Harry Potter . . .

SCORPIUS: I don’t . . .

DOLORES UMBRIDGE: Questioning everyone you can about the Battle of Hogwarts. How Potter died. Why Potter died. And this ludicrous fascination with Cedric Diggory. Scorpius, we’ve checked you for hexes and curses — there were none we can see — so I’m asking if there’s anything I can do — to restore you to what you were . . .

SCORPIUS: No. No. Consider me restored. Temporary aberration. That’s all.

DOLORES UMBRIDGE: So we can continue our work together?

SCORPIUS: We can.

She puts her hand to her heart, and touches her wrists together.

DOLORES UMBRIDGE: For Voldemort and Valor.

SCORPIUS (trying to copy): For — um — yes.

ACT THREE, SCENE TWO

HOGWARTS, GROUNDS

KARL JENKINS: Hey, Scorpion King.

SCORPIUS is high-fived, it’s painful, he takes it.

YANN FREDERICKS: We’re still on, right, tomorrow night?

KARL JENKINS: Because we are ready to spill some proper Mudblood guts.