Heads You Win

“True, but Evelyn made a mistake when she cast you as nanny on this occasion.”

“How come?”

“She told me you’d left the house before she woke on the morning after the party, despite the fact that she joined me for breakfast at around eight thirty.”

“You’ve lost me.”

“But you hadn’t left, because you asked Caxton to call a cab around that time to take you back to your hotel. Much as I admire your nerve, courage, chutzpah, call it what you will, Alex, even you wouldn’t have the gall to walk out of the house with a Warhol under your arm and expect the butler to hold open the door of a taxi for you.”

Alex laughed. “So what are you going to do about your sister?”

“I’ll wait for her to make her next mistake,” said Lawrence, “which, given her past record, shouldn’t be too long.”

25

SASHA

London

“I now pronounce you man and wife,” said the vicar. “You may kiss the bride.”

Sasha took Charlie in his arms and kissed her as if they were on a first date. The congregation of nearly a hundred people burst into applause.

The bride and groom progressed slowly down the aisle and out into the churchyard, where a photographer, tripod already set up, awaited them. The first picture he took was of the new Mr. and Mrs. Karpenko, followed by group shots with their parents, the rest of the bride’s family, and finally with the best man and the ushers.

The newlyweds were then driven back to Barn Cottage in a Rolls-Royce. On the way, Sasha admitted to his wife that he was a little nervous about his speech.

“I’d be a lot more nervous about Ben’s speech, if I were you,” said Charlie. “When I heard him rehearsing it in the kitchen before supper last night, I felt quite sorry for you.”

“That bad?” said Sasha. When they arrived back at the house, they were surprised to find Elena already checking the canapés.

“How did she get here before us?” whispered Charlie as she straightened her husband’s tie, and removed a hair from his jacket.

“Silly question,” said Sasha, as the guests began to arrive in dribs and drabs before making their way through to the marquee for lunch.

Sasha quite forgot about the speeches until the plates had been cleared, coffee had been served, and Ben rose to deliver his offering.

“My lords, ladies and gentlemen,” he began.

“Where are the lords?” shouted one of the ushers.

“Just thinking ahead,” said Ben, placing a hand on Sasha’s shoulder.

“Hear, hear!” cried some of his Cambridge Union contemporaries.

“You may ask,” said Ben, “how a pathetic illegal immigrant from Leningrad could possibly have captured the heart of a beautiful English girl. Well, he didn’t. The truth is that Charlie, being a good-hearted thing, took pity on him when they first met at a party given at my home to celebrate the end of our school days. Because Charlie is a liberal and therefore a supporter of lost causes, Sasha was in with a chance. But even I didn’t think he’d get that lucky, and end up marrying such a bright and beautiful creature.

“But there’s a downside, Sasha, that I must warn you about. Charlie was captain of hockey at Fulham High School, and I’m reliably informed that with stick in hand she thought nothing of mowing down any opponent within reach. So stick to chess, old friend. And don’t forget that while the queen can range freely around the board, the king can only move one square at a time.”

Ben waited for the laughter and applause to die down before he continued. “To say I was proud to be invited to act as Sasha’s best man would be an understatement, because I have known for some time that I was destined to walk in this man’s shadow, and just occasionally be allowed to bask in his limelight. I have watched in awe as he won a scholarship to Cambridge, became president of the Union, captained the varsity chess team, and ended his time at Trinity with a starred first. But put all of those things together, and still they’re nothing compared to capturing the heart of Charlie Dangerfield. Because with her by his side, it will be possible for him to scale even higher mountains. But then, behind every great man … is a surprised mother-in-law.”

Once again, Ben waited for the laughter to die down before he said, “But I have not entirely given up hope for myself, as none of you can have failed to notice the four beautiful bridesmaids who accompanied Charlie down the aisle. I’ve already asked three of them out.”

“And all three turned you down!” shouted another usher.

“True,” said Ben, “but don’t forget there are four, so I still live in hope.”

“Not if she’s got any sense!”

“Despite that, I ask you to rise and toast the health of Sasha and Charlie.”

Everyone stood, raised their glasses, and cried, “Sasha and Charlie!”

“Would you be kind enough to remain standing,” continued Ben, “so that I can always remind Sasha in the years to come, that when I gave the best man’s speech at his wedding, I received a standing ovation.”