Hogfather

‘Always the same ole mottars,’ said the dog. ‘Someone slap Ron on the back, will you? If he laughs any more he’ll — oh, he has. Oh well, nothing new about that.’

The beggars spent a few more minutes picking up hams, jars and bottles that had settled on the snow. They packed them around Arnold on his trolley and set off down the street.

‘How come we got all this?’

‘’s Hogswatch, right?’

‘Yeah, but who hung up their stocking?’

‘I don’t think we’ve got any, have we?’

‘I hung up an old boot.’

‘Does that count?’

‘Dunno. Ron ate it.’

I’m waiting for the Hogfather, thought Ponder Stibbons. I’m in the dark waiting for the Hogfather. Me. A believer in Natural Philosophy. I can find the square root of 27.4 in my head.[21] I shouldn’t be doing this.

It’s not as if I’ve hung a stocking up. There’d be some point if …

He sat rigid for a moment, and then pulled off his pointy sandal and rolled down a sock. It helped if you thought of it as the scientific testing of an interesting hypothesis.

From out of the darkness Ridcully said, ‘How long, do you think?’

‘It’s generally believed that all deliveries are completed well before midnight,’ said Ponder, and tugged hard.

‘Are you all right, Mr Stibbons?’

‘Fine, sir. Fine. Er … do you happen to have a drawing pin about you? Or a small nail, perhaps?’

‘I don’t believe so.’

‘Oh, it’s all right. I’ve found a penknife.’

After a while Ridcully heard a faint scratching noise in the dark.

‘How do you spell “electricity”, sir?’

Ridcully thought for a while. ‘You know, I don’t think I ever do.’

There was silence again, and then a clang. The Librarian grunted in his sleep.

‘What are you doing?’

‘I just knocked over the coal shovel.’

‘Why are you feeling around on the mantelpiece?’

‘Oh, just … you know, just … just looking. A little … experiment. After all, you never know.’

‘You never know what?’

‘Just … never know, you know.’

‘Sometimes you know,’ said Ridcully. ‘I think I know quite a lot that I didn’t used to know. It’s amazing what you do end up knowing, I sometimes think. I often wonder what new stuff I’ll know.’

‘Well, you never know.’

‘That’s a fact.’

High over the city Albert turned to Death, who seemed to be trying to avoid his gaze.

‘You didn’t get that stuff out of the sack! Not cigars and peaches in brandy and grub with fancy foreign names!’

YES, IT CAME OUT OF THE SACK.

Albert gave him a suspicious look.

‘But you put it in the sack in the first place, didn’t you?’

NO.

‘You did, didn’t you?’ Albert stated.

NO.

‘You put all those things in the sack.’

NO.

‘You got them from somewhere and put them in the sack.’

NO.

‘You did put them in the sack, didn’t you?’

NO.

‘You put them in the sack.’

YES.

‘I knew you put them in the sack. Where did you get them?’

THEY WERE JUST LYING AROUND.

‘Whole roast pig does not, in my experience, just lie around.’

NO ONE SEEMED TO BE USING THEM, ALBERT.

‘Couple of chimneys ago we were over that big posh restaurant …’

REALLY? I DON’T REMEMBER.

‘And it seemed to me you were down there a bit longer than usual, if you don’t mind me saying so.’

REALLY.

‘How exactly were they just inverted comma lying around inverted comma?’

JUST … LYING AROUND. YOU KNOW. RECUMBENT.

‘In a kitchen?’

THERE WAS A CERTAIN CULINARINESS ABOUT THE PLACE, I RECALL.

Albert pointed a trembling finger.

‘You nicked someone’s Hogswatch dinner, master!’

IT’S GOING TO BE EATEN, said Death defensively. ANYWAY, YOU THOUGHT IT WAS A GOOD IDEA WHEN I SHOWED THAT KING THE DOOR.

‘Yeah, well, that was a bit different,’ said Albert, lowering his voice. ‘But, I mean, the Hogfather doesn’t drop down the chimney and pinch people’s grub!’

THE BEGGARS WILL ENJOY IT, ALBERT.

‘Well, yes, but—’

IT WASN’T STEALING. IT WAS JUST … REDISTRIBUTION. IT WILL BE A GOOD DEED IN A NAUGHTY WORLD.

‘No, it won’t!’

THEN IT WILL BE A NAUGHTY DEED IN A NAUGHTY WORLD AND WILL PASS COMPLETELY UNNOTICED.

‘Yeah, but you might at least have thought about the people whose grub you pinched.’

THEY HAVE BEEN PROVIDED FOR, OF COURSE. I AM NOT COMPLETELY HEARTLESS. IN A METAPHORICAL SENSE. AND NOW — ONWARDS AND UPWARDS.

‘We’re heading down, master.’

ONWARDS AND DOWNWARDS, THEN.

There were … swirls. Binky galloped easily through them, except that he did not seem to move. He might have been hanging in the air.

‘Oh, me,’ said the oh god weakly.

‘What?’ said Susan.

‘Try shutting your eyes—’

Susan shut her eyes. Then she reached up to touch her face.

‘I’m still seeing …’

‘I thought it was just me. It’s usually just me.’

The swirls vanished.

There was greenery below.

And that was odd. It was greenery. Susan had flown a few times over countryside, even swamps and jungles, and there had never been a green as green as this. If green could be a primary colour, this was it.

And that wiggly thing—

‘That’s not a river!’ she said.

‘Isn’t it?’

‘It’s blue!’

The oh god risked a look down.

‘Water’s blue,’ he said.

‘Of course it’s not!’

‘Grass is green, water’s blue … I can remember that. It’s some of the stuff I just know.’