Hogfather

     'Oh.' Ridcully shrugged. 'Anyway ... what was  I saying ... yes  ... no one's ever heard of a Verruca Gnome until tonight.'

     'That's  right,'  said the  gnome. 'Even  I've never  heard of me until tonight, and I'm me.'

     'We'll  see  what   we  can  find  out,  Archchancellor,'  said  Ponder diplomatically.

     'Good man.' Ridcully put the gnome  back in his pocket and looked up at Hex.

     'Amazin','  he said  again. 'He  just looks  as  though  he's thinking, right?'

     'Er ... yes.'

     'But he's not actually thinking?'

     'Er ... no.'

     'So ... he just gives the impression of thinking but really it's just a show?'

     'Er ... yes.'

     'Just like everyone else, then, really,' said Ridcully. 

     '... something,' he added. 'This here chappie is the Verruca Gnome ...'

     'Hello,' said the Verruca Gnome shyly.

     ' ... who seems to have popped  into existence to be with us here tonight. And,  you  know, I thought:  this is  a  bit odd. Of course,  there's always something a bit unreal about Hogswatchnight,'  said Ridcully. 'Last night of the year  and so on. The Hogfather whizzin' around and so forth. Time of the darkest  shadows and so on.  All the  old  year's  occult rubbish pilin' up. Anythin' could  happen. I just thought you  fellows might check up  on this. Probably nothing to worry about.'

     'A Verruca Gnome?' said Ponder.

     The gnome clutched his sack protectively.

     'Makes about  as much  sense  as  a lot  of  things, I  suppose,'  said Ridcully. 'After  all, there's a Tooth Fairy, ain'  there? You might as well wonder why we have a God of Wine and not a God of Hangovers...'

     He stopped.

     'Anyone else hear that noise just then?' he said.

     'Sorry, Archchancellor?'

     'Sort of glingleglingleglingle? Like little tinkly bells?'

     'Didn't hear anything like that, sir.'

     'Oh.' Ridcully shrugged. 'Anyway ... what was  I saying  ... yes ... no one's ever heard of a Verruca Gnome until tonight.'

     'That's  right,'  said the  gnome.  'Even I've never heard of  me until tonight, and I'm me.'

     'We'll  see  what  we  can   find  out,  Archchancellor,'  said  Ponder diplomatically.

     'Good man.' Ridcully put the gnome back in his pocket and looked  up at Hex.

     'Amazin','  he  said  again. 'He  just  looks as though  he's thinking, right?'

     'Er ... yes.'

     'But he's not actually thinking?'

     'Er ... no.'

     'So ... he just gives the impression of thinking but really it's just a show?'

     'Er ... yes.'

     'Just like everyone else, then, really,' said Ridcully.

     The  boy  gave the Hogfather an appraising stare as  he sat down on the official knee.

     'Let's be absolutely clear. I know  you're just someone dressed up,' he said. 'The Hogfather is a biological and  temporal impossibility.  I hope we understand one another.'

     AH. SO I DON'T EXIST?

     'Correct. This  is just a bit of  seasonal frippery  and,  I  may  say, rampantly  commercial. My mother's already bought my  presents. I instructed her as to the right ones, of course. She often gets things wrong.'

     The Hogfather glanced briefly at the smiling, worried image of maternal ineffectiveness hovering nearby.

HOW OLD ARE YOU, BOY?

     The  child rolled his eyes. 'You're not supposed to say that,' he said. 'I have done this before, you know. You have to start by asking me my name.'

     AARON FIDGET, 'THE PINES', EDGEWAY ROAD, ANKHMORPORK.

     'I expect someone told you,' said Aaron. 'I expect these people dressed up as pixies get the information from the mothers.'

     AND YOU  ARE  EIGHT,  GOING  ON  ...  OH,  ABOUT  FORTY-FIVE, said  the Hogfather.

     'There's forms to fill in when they pay, expect,' said Aaron.

     AND YOU WANT WALNUT'S INOFFENSIVE REPTILES OF THE STO PLAINS, A DISPLAY CABINET, A COLLECTOR'S ALBUM, A KILLING  JAR AND A LIZARD PRESS.  WHAT IS  A LIZARD PRESS?

     'You can't glue  them in  when they're still fat,  or  didn't you  know that? I expect she told you about  them when I was momentarily distracted by the  display of pencils. Look, shall  we end this charade? just give  me  my orange and we'll say no more about it.'

I CAN GIVE FAR MORE THAN ORANGES.

     'Yes, yes, I saw all that. Probably  done in collusion with accomplices to  attract gullible customers. Oh dear, you've  even got a  false beard. By the way, old chap, did you know that your pig...'

YES.

     'All done by mirrors and string and pipes, I expect. It all looked very artificial to me.'

     The Hogfather snapped his fingers.

     'That's  probably a  signal,  I expect,'  said  the boy,  getting down. 'Thank you very much.'

     HAPPY HOGSWATCH, said the Hogfather as the boy walked away.

     Uncle Heavy patted him on the shoulder.

     'Well done, master,' he said. 'Very patient. I'd have given him a clonk athwart the earhole, myself.'

     OH,  I'M SURE HE'LL SEE THE ERROR  OF HIS WAYS.  The red hood turned so that only Albert could see into its depths. RIGHT AROUND THE TIME HE OPENS THOSE BOXES HIS MOTHER WAS CARRYING ... HO. HO. HO.

     'Don't tie it so tight! Don't tie it so tight!'

SQUEAK.

     There  was  a bickering behind Susan as she sought along the shelves in the canyons of Death's huge library, which was so big that clouds would form in it if they dared.