Hogfather

     YES, THAT DOES SPOIL IT, DOESN'T IT? Death leaned forward. GO AWAY.

     To the kings's own surprise his body took over  and marched him out  of the door.

     Albert patted the page on the shoulder. 'And you can run along too,' he said.

     '... I didn't mean to go upsetting anyone,  its just that I never asked no one for nothing ...' mumbled the old man, in a small humble world of his own, his hands tangling themselves together out of nervousness.

     'Best if you leave this one  to  me, master,  if you don't mind,'  said Albert.  'I'll  be back in  just  a tick.' Loose ends, he thought, that's my job. Tying up loose ends. The master never thinks things through.

     He caught up with the king outside.

     'Ah, there  you are,  your sire,' he said.  'Just before  you go, won't keep you a minute, just a minor  point ...' Albert leaned dose to the stunned monarch. 'If anyone was  thinking  about  making a mistake, you  know,  like maybe sending the guards down here tomorrow,  tipping the old man out of his hovel, chuckin' him in prison, anything like that ... werrlll ... that's the kind of mistake he ought to treasure on account of it being the last mistake he'll ever make. A word to  the wise men, right?' He  tapped the side of his nose conspiratorially. 'Happy Hogswatch.'

     Then he hurried back into the hovel.

     The feast  had vanished. The old  man was  looking blearily at the bare table.

     HALF-EATEN LEAVINGS, said Death.  WE  COULD  CERTAINLY DO  BETTER  THAN THIS. He reached into the sack.

     Albert grabbed his arm before he could withdraw his hand.

     'Mind taking a bit of advice,  master? I was  brung  up in a place like this.'

DOES IT BRING TEARS TO YOUR EYES?

     'A box of matches to me hand, more like. Listen

     The old man was only dimly aware of some whispering. He sat hunched up, staring at nothing.

WELL, IF YOU ARE SURE ...

     'Been there, done that, chewed the  bones,' said Albert. 'Charity ain't giving people what you wants to give, it's giving  people what they need  to get.'

VERY WELL.

     Death reached into the sack again.

HAPPY HOGSWATCH. HO. HO. HO.

     There was a string of sausages. There was a side of  bacon. And a small tub of  salt  pork. And a mass of chitterlings wrapped up in greased  paper. There was a black pudding. There  were several  other tubs of disgusting yet savoury porkadjacent items highly prized in any pig-based economy. And, laid on the table with a soft thump, there was...

     'A pig's head,' breathed the old  man. 'A whole one! Ain't had brawn in years! And a basin of pig knuckles! And a bowl of pork dripping!'

HO. HO. HO.

     'Amazing,' said Albert. 'How did you  get the head's expression to look like the king?'

     I THINK THAT'S ACCIDENTAL.

     Albert patted the old man on the back.

     'Have  yourself a ball,' he  said. 'In fact, have two. Now  I  think we ought to be going, master.'

     They left the old man staring at the laden board.

     WASN'T THAT NICE? said Death, as the hogs accelerated.

     'Oh, yes,' said Albert, shaking  his  head. 'Poor old  devil. Beans  at Hogswatch? Unlucky, that. Not a night for a man to find a bean in his bowl.'

I FEEL I WAS CUT OUT FOR THIS SORT OF THING, YOU KNOW.

     'Really, master?'

     IT'S NICE TO DO A JOB WHERE PEOPLE LOOK FORWARD TO SEEING YOU.

     'Ah,' said Albert glumly.

     THEY DON'T NORMALLY LOOK FORWARD TO SEEING ME.

     'Yes, I expect so.'

EXCEPT IN SPECIAL AND RATHER UNFORTUNATE CIRCUMSTANCES.

     'Right, right.'

AND THEY SELDOM LEAVE A GLASS OF SHERRY OUT.

     'I expect they don't, no.'

I COULD GET INTO THE HABIT OF DOING THIS, IN FACT.

     'But you won't need to, will you, master?' said Albert  hurriedly, with the horrible prospect of  being a permanent Pixie Albert looming in his mind again. 'Because we'll get the Hogfather back.. right?  That's what you  said we were going to do, right? And young Susan's probably bustling around ...

YES. OF COURSE.

     'Not that you asked her to, of course.'

     Albert's jittery ears didn't detect any enthusiasm.

     Oh dear, he thought.

I HAVE ALWAYS CHOSEN THE PATH OF DUTY.

     'Right, master.'

     The sleigh sped on.

I AM THOROUGHLY IN CONTROL AND FIRM OF PURPOSE.

     'No problem there, then, master.' said Albert.

NO NEED TO WORRY AT ALL.

     'Pleased to hear it, master.'

     IF I HAD A FIRST NAME, 'DUTY' WOULD BE MY MIDDLE NAME.

     'Good.'

NEVERTHELESS ...

     Albert strained his ears  and  thought  he  heard, just  on the edge of hearing, a voice whisper sadly.

HO. HO. HO.

     There was a party going on. It seemed to occupy the entire building.

     'Certainly  very  energetic  young men,'  said the  oh  god  carefully, stepping over a wet towel. 'Are women allowed in here?'

     'No,'  said Susan. She stepped through a wall into the superintendent's office.

     A group of young men went past, manhandling a barrel of beer.

     'You'll  feel bad about it in the morning,' said Bilious. 'Strong drink is a mocker, you know.'

     They set it up on a table and knocked out the bung.