Hogfather

     +++ People Were Believing In Something Else Query? +++

     Ridcully looked at the other wizards. They shrugged.

     'Could  be,' he  said  guardedly. 'People can only believe  in so  many things.'

     ... It  Follows That If A Major  Focus Of Belief Is Removed, There Will Be Spare Belief ...

     Ridcully stared at the words.

     'You mean ... sloshing around?'

     The big wheel  with the ram skulls on it began to turn ponderously. The scurrying ants in the .glass tubes took on a new urgency.

     'What's happening?' said Ridcully, in a loud whisper.

     'I think Hex is looking up  the word "sloshing",' said  Ponder. 'It may be in long-term storage.'

     A large hourglass came down on the spring.

     'What's that for?' said Ridcully.

     'Er ... it shows Hex is working things out.'

     'Oh. And that buzzing noise? Seems to be coming from the other side  of the wall.'

     Ponder coughed.

     'That is the long-term storage, Archchancellor.'

     'And how does that work?'

     'Er ... well, if you think of memory as a series of  little shelves or, or, or holes, Archchancellor, in which you can put things, well, we found  a way of making a sort  of memory which, er, interfaces  neatly with the ants, in fact, but more  importantly  can expand its size depending on how much we give it to remember and, er, is possibly a bit slow but...'

     'It's a very loud buzzing,' said the Dean. 'Is it going wrong.

     'No, that shows it's working,' said Ponder. 'It's, er, beehives.'

     He coughed.

     'Different  types of pollen, different thicknesses  of honey, placement of the eggs ... It's actually amazing how much information you can store on one honeycomb.'

     He  looked at their faces. 'And it's  very secure because anyone trying to tamper with it will get stung  to death  and Adrian believes that when we shut it down in the summer holidays we should get a nice lot of honey, too.' He coughed again. 'For our ... sand ... wiches,' he said.

     He felt himself getting smaller and hotter under their gazes.

     Hex came to his rescue. The hourglass  bounced away  and  the quill pen was jerked in and out of its inkwell.

     +++ Yes. Sloshing Around. Accreting +++

     'That  means forming around new centres,  Archchancellor,' said  Ponder helpfully.

     'I  know that,' said Ridcully.  'Blast.  Remember  when we had all that life force all over  the place? A man couldn't call his trousers his own! So ... there's spare belief sloshing around, thank you, and these little devils are taking advantage of it? 'Coming back? Household gods?'

     +++ This Is Possible +++

     'All right, then, so what are people not believing in all of a sudden?'

     +++ Out Of Cheese Error +++ MELON MELON MELON +++ Redo From Start +++

     'Thank you. A simple "I  don't know" would have been sufficient,'  said Ridcully, sitting back.

     'One of the major gods?' said the Chair of Indefinite Studies.

     'Hah, we'd soon know about it if one of those vanished.'

     'It's Hogswatch,' said the Dean. 'I suppose the Hogfather is around, is he?'

     'You believe in him?' said Ridcully.

     'Well, he's for kids, isn't he?' said  the Dean. 'But I'm sure they all believe in him. I certainly did. It wouldn't be  Hogswatch when I was  a kid without a pillowcase hanging by the fire ...'

     'A pillowcase?' said the Senior Wrangler, sharply.

     'Well, you can't get much in a stocking,' said the Dean.

     'Yes, but a whole pillowcase?' the Senior Wrangler insisted.

     'Yes. What of it?'

     'Is it just me, or is  that a  rather greedy and selfish way to behave? In my family we just hung up very small socks,' said the Senior Wrangler. 'A sugar  pig, a toy soldier, a couple of  oranges and that was it.  Hah, turns out people with whole pillowcases were cornering the market, eh?'

     'Shut up and stop squabbling, both  of you,' said Ridcully. 'There must be a simple way to check up. How can you tell if the Hogfather exists?'

     'Someone's  drunk  the sherry,  there's sooty footprints on the carpet, sleigh tracks on the roof and your pillowcase is full of presents,' said the Dean.

     'Hah, pillowcase,' said the Senior Wrangler darkly. 'Hah. I expect your family were the stuck-up  sort  that  didn't  even  open  their  presents  until  after Hogswatch dinner, eh? One  of them with a big snooty  Hogswatch tree in  the hall?'

     'What if ...' Ridcully began, but he was too late.

     'Well?' said the Dean. 'Of course we waited until after lunch...'

     'You know, it really  used to wind  me right up, people with big snooty Hogswatch  trees.  And  I  just  bet  you  had one  of  those  swanky  fancy nutcrackers  like a big thumbscrew,' said the Senior  Wrangler. 'Some people had to make do with the coal hammer out of the  outhouse, of course. And had dinner in the middle  of the  day  instead  of lah-di-dah posh dinner in the evening.'

     'I can't help it if my family had money,' said the Dean, and that might have defused things a bit had he not added, 'and standards.'

     'And  big pillowcases!'  shouted the  Senior Wrangler, bouncing up  and down in rage. 'And I bet you bought your holly, eh?'