Hogfather

     'He's got  time for his friends,' said Medium Dave bitterly. 'For gods' sakes, someone get me a clean rag or something...

     'OK, but... but he can't look everywhere.'

     Medium Dave  shook his  head. He'd  been through AnkhMorpork's very own university  of  the  streets  and  had  graduated   with  his  life  and  an intelligence made all the keener by constant  friction. You only had to look into Teatime's mismatched  eyes to know  one thing, which was  this: that if Teatime wanted to find  you  he would not look everywhere. He'd look in only one place, which would be the place where you were hiding.

     'How come your brother likes him so much?'

     Medium  Dave grimaced. Banjo had always done what  he was told,  simply because Medium Dave had told him. Up to now, anyway.

     It must have been  that  punch in  the bar. Medium Dave didn't like  to think  about it.  He'd  always  promised their mother that  he'd look  after Banjo,[21] and Banjo had gone back like a falling tree. And when Medium Dave had  risen from  his  seat to  punch Teatime's  unbalanced  lights out  he'd suddenly found the Assassin already behind him, holding a knife. In front of everyone. It was humiliating, that's what it was

     And then Banjo had sat up, looking puzzled, and spat out a tooth

     'If it wasn't for  Banjo going  around with him  all the  time we could gang up on him,' said Catseye.

     Medium Dave looked up, one hand clamping a handkerchief to his eye.

     'Gang up on him?' he said.

     'Yeah, it's all your fault,' Chickenwire went on.

     'Oh, yeah? So it wasn't you who said, wow, ten thousand dollars,  count me in?'

     Chickenwire backed away. 'I didn't know there was going to  be all this creepy stuff! I want to go home!'

     Medium  Dave hesitated, despite his pain and  rage. This  wasn't normal talk for  Chickenwire,  for  all  that he  whined  and  grumbled. This was a strange place, no lie about that, and all that business  with the teeth  had been  very... odd, but  he'd  been out with Chickenwire  when  jobs had gone wrong and both the Watch and the Thieves' Guild had been after them and he'd been as cool as anyone. And if  the Guild had been the  ones  to  catch them they'd have nailed their ears to  their ankles and thrown them in the river. In Medium Dave's book, which was a simple book and largely written in mental crayon, things didn't get creepier than that.

     'What's  up with you?' he  said. 'All  of you you're acting like little kids!'

     'Would he deliver to apes earlier than humans?'

     'Interesting  point, sir.  Possibly you're referring to my theory  that humans  may  have in fact  descended from apes, of  course,' said Ponder. 'A bold hypothesis which ought to sweep away the ignorance of centuries if the grants committee could just see their way clear to letting me hire a boat and sail around to the islands of ... '

     'I just thought he might deliver alphabetically,' said Ridcully.

     There was a patter of soot in the cold fireplace.

     'That's presumably him now, do you think?' Ridcully went on. 'Oh, well, I thought we should check ...'

     Something landed in  the ashes. The  two wizards stood  quietly  in the darkness while the figure picked itself up. There was a rustle of paper.

LET ME SEE NOW

     There was a click as Ridcully's pipe fell out of his mouth.

     'Who the hell are you?' he said. 'Mr Stibbons, light a candle!'

     Death backed away.

     I'M THE HOGFATHER, OF COURSE. ER. HO. HO.  HO. WHO WOULD YOU  EXPECT TO COME DOWN A CHIMNEY ON A NIGHT LIKE THIS, MAY I ASK?

     'No, you're not!'

     I AM. LOOK, I'VE GOT THE BEARD AND THE PILLOW AND EVERYTHING!

     'You look extremely thin in the face!'

     I'M... I... I'M NOT WELL. IT'S ALL... YES,

     IT'S ALL THIS SHERRY. AND RUSHING AROUND. I AM A BIT ILL.

     'Terminally, I  should say.'  Ridcully grabbed  the beard.  There was a twang as the string gave way.

     'It's a false beard!'

     NO IT'S NOT, said Death desperately.

     'Here's the  hooks for the ears,  which must have  given  you  a bit of trouble, I must say!'

     Ridcully flourished the incriminating evidence.

     'What were you  doing coming down  the chimney?' he  continued. 'Not in marvellous taste, I think.'

     Death waved a small grubby scrap of paper defensively.

     OFFICIAL  LETTER  TO THE  HOGFATHER. SAYS  HERE... he  began,  and then looked at  the paper again. WELL, QUITE A LOT, IN FACT.  IT'S A  LONG  LIST. LIBRARY STAMPS, REFERENCE BOOKS, PENCILS, BANANAS...

     'The Librarian  asked the Hogfather  for those  things?' said Ridcully. 'Why?'

     I DON'T  KNOW, said  Death.  This was a  diplomatic answer. He kept his finger over  a  reference to the Archchancellor. The  orang-utan for 'duck's bottom' was quite an interesting squiggle.

     'I've got plenty in my desk drawer,'  mused Ridcully. 'I'm  quite happy to give them out  to any  chap provided he can  prove  he's  used up the old one.'

THEY MUST SHOW YOU AN ABSENCE OF PENCIL?

     'Of course. If he needed essential materials  he need only have come to me. No man can tell you I'm an unreasonable chap.'

     Death checked the list carefully.