Household Gods

“I thought that might be the case,” Nicole said. “Frank wouldn’t even think of holding up a bank, and God forbid he should walk off with a wallet someone dropped on the sidewalk in front of him, but when it comes to stiffing me – well, that’s not really a bad thing, is it? I’ve got my job, after all. It’s not like I’m starving. And it’s so difficult to come up with the money some weeks, what with the trips to Cancun and the payments on the Acura. And it really gets inconvenient, you know?”

Herschel Falk laughed shortly. “Believe me, Ms. Gunther-Perrin, I do know. And we’ll do our best to teach him that one doesn’t just obey some of the laws some of the time.” He added dryly, “And, of course, we’ll do it for nothing: your tax dollars at work. Quite a bit less of a bite than your own attorney’s two hundred dollars an hour.”

“Two-fifty,” Nicole said. “Yes, that does enter into it. Ironic, isn’t it? If he’d been paying up, I’d be able to afford the fees.”

“Life’s little ironies, yes,” Falk said. “All right, then. I’ll call and see what Mr. Perrin has to say for himself. If he doesn’t dispute the facts, we’ll go from there. If he does… well, we’ll see. May I have your number, please, so that I can reach you when I have something to report?”

Nicole gave him her office and home numbers. “I don’t think Frank will dispute the facts,” she said. “He’s in computer science – he knows what’s real and what isn’t. Sometimes he just does his best to ignore it.”

“Maybe this call will do some good, then,” Falk said in a neutral tone. “We can but hope. Good day, Ms. Gunther-Perrin.”

“Good day,” Nicole said, and fought an urge to giggle. His slightly old-fashioned style had infected her. It was appealing, really. Even though, as a confirmed governmental cynic, she wasn’t sure he really would do as he promised, or do it in any kind of timely fashion, she still felt good about the call. Finally she was doing something about a long and frustrating problem.

She went back to her analysis with a lighter heart, and a sense that she should have done this a long time ago. There were legal mechanisms in place here, and they would work in her favor, even if they took a while. She wouldn’t have to beard an Emperor in his den, and then rely on his goodwill, to get what was rightfully hers.

The calls from well-wishers had tapered off, but they still kept coming. Her patience was wearing thin by the time Frank added himself to the list. Obviously he hadn’t heard from Herschel Falk, or he’d have been screaming in her ear. The good Mr. Falk must have been operating in lawyer time when he promised to call this afternoon. No doubt he meant some afternoon this week, or possibly some afternoon this month.

Then, at about a quarter to four, Cyndi rang in to report, “I have your ex-husband on the line, Ms. Gunther-Perrin.” Her tone had a slight hint of question, and an edge of warning.

Nicole smiled and shoved the environmental impact report to one side. “Really? Good, then, I’ll talk with him.” She waited for the small click that meant the secretary had transferred the incoming call, then spoke in her sweetest, most reasonable tones: “Hello, Frank.”

“Nicole!” Frank sounded neither sweet nor reasonable. “What the hell are you doing? I just got off the phone with this crazy bastard from the DA’s office, and he says – “

“What am I doing?” Nicole broke in. “I’m doing what I’m legally entitled to do, and what I should have done the first time you missed a payment. You’re violating a court order, Frank. It’s just as much against the law as knocking over a liquor store.”

“Oh, give me a break,” her ex snarled.

“I’ve given you too many breaks already,” Nicole snapped. “So many breaks that I’m broke. I need the money you owe me. If you pay up, Mr. Falk goes away. If you don’t, he goes after your assets. I can tell him – I will tell him – where a lot of those are, and I’m sure he can find any I’m not aware of. People in the District Attorney’s office have all sorts of interesting connections, and their software is getting better all the time.”

She didn’t know how true that last was, but it certainly rattled Frank’s cage. He howled a suggestion that sounded a lot like Falk’s last name. Then he calmed down a bit, or at least got his voice under control. “That bastard says I owe you some ridiculous amount. I may have missed once or twice, but – “

“Shall I e-mail you the dates of all the checks you missed?” Nicole asked sweetly. “You can add them all up and figure the interest due on each one. If your number doesn’t match the one Mr. Falk gave you, I’m sure he’ll be happy to discuss the discrepancy.”

Glum silence on the other end of the line. At length, Frank said, “I find Woodcrest for you, I pay for the first month, and you go and do this to me. Thanks a hell of a lot, Nicole.”